Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Gut(s)

Forgive me if the photo goes in a wierd place, the Blogger app for iPhone doesn't allow as many options as using a PC.
I almost didn't have the guts to post this photo. Me, the one who posted very unflattering photos of myself at the beginning of my journey, and more along the way. I am ashamed that I let all my hard work slip away, as if it were meaningless, let my life overtake me, let my health take a backseat to everything else. Truth is, ever since I started School in fall, I have been overwhelmed and under-inspired. When I came down with Shingles on Thanksgiving it caused me to reexamine my stress levels, and the way I was interpreting my daily challenges. It was only a day or two later that my knee became excessively swollen, and was diagnosed as bursitis even though no injury or stress occurred to the knee. I lived with it for more than two months, limping like a cripple, unable to play with my kids or work out, and I began shoving garbage into my mouth to try and cope with everything. I felt like so much was out of my control, so instead of making an effort to make things better, I checked out of my own best interests and began taking care of everyone else's needs. I'm a great caretaker when it comes to everyone else.
I have been "off the wagon" before and have rebounded quite easily. I've been yo-yoing up and down the scale, my clothes running the gamut from fitting well and flattering me, to "wow! If I gain any more weight, I'll need to start shopping for bigger sizes again. This past weekend I was painfully reminded which end of the spectrum I'm currently on, as I noticed that when I lift my arms up with my winter jacket on, it stays stuck against my too-fat body, barely zipping over my shirt and sweater. For a second, I thought of the fate of having to wear Big Red again, shudder.
Why do we let things go? Why do we let life overwhelm us? Why do we stop caring as much about our health as we do about others, or about how yummy that chocolate or chips will taste? Why am I not there for myself?
I was thinking about my kids, and how I would make almost any sacrifice for them, and then I was sad when I thought of what their life would be like if I passed on. The fat, low self esteem self sees it as that I'm putting their needs before mine. But in reality, eating crap and not trying to live a healthy life is really selfish, and if I died from a preventable disease, I would not blame them for resenting me.
I took this photo on Sunday. When I weighed in mid-afternoon, the scale said 182. The negative way to look at it: that's just ten pounds less than I weighed when I started this whole thing. The positive way to look at it? That's ten pounds I don't have to re-lose. Last week I went to a new Dr. to have her look at my knee and see if she could tell me why the swelling wasn't going away, and why it came in the first place. She put me in an NSAID prescription and told me she will refer me to an orthopedic specialist if the drugs don't work. It is a little better, the swelling has gone down, but my knee is still catching and stiff. I'm thinking I might have a meniscus tear from my fat but trying to run. I have used my knee as an excuse for the past 2 and a half months. I told myself, "I can't do cardio so I'll just take some time off." And that put me in the prime mindset for just letting everything go.
But now spring is starting to pulsate beneath the snow, the days are slowly getting longer, the light feels so good to me, and thinking about hot sticky summer days has me dreading what I've let myself become. I know this happens to so many dieters. I also know that the ones who never give up, usually make it stick. I haven't failed, I simply got lost, and that felt really good for a while, but now I need to find my way back so I can continue to move forward. When darkness surrounds you, you have a choice to succumb to it, or to be your own light. I think I'll chose the latter.
Nice to be back. Hope you are well!

4 comments:

  1. Amy, don't beat yourself up too much about this. We live in world where large corporations peddle salty, fatty, industrially processed food and when these make us gain weight huge corporations then try and sell us diet cures. The odds are stacked against us and these foods act like a drug and create cravings in us.
    You don't look bad at all, you may have gained a bit of weight and you will be harsh to yourself. I'm on your side and have faith in you. You will prevail.

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    1. It amazes me how supportive you are, through this roller coaster I'm on. It means a lot to me. I believe I will lick this thing at some point, and I will be cyber- high-fiving you for being there for the whole journey.
      You're right about the corporations and their agendas. But we have to have self-control despite, and I have been letting that slide way too long.

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  2. I'm staying around 174. *(That is what I was at when I lost 4 lbs eating low carb, during my bout w/ Gestational Diabetes.) I have put off going to the doc...w/ everything recently going on w/ external family issues. I KNOW, when I go, she will run a battery of tests, I had already been putting off...for the last few years. (I use to go every year; &, now I haven't gone in like 3... :/ You're putting yourself down; 'cause, smaller clothes you suceeded to before...are now "snug." No way. Be proud...that you're "STILL" UNDER where you began...&, keep truckin'! ;) It is never a lost cause...*1 of these days, I will begin. With all my stress, I honestly..."think" I've lost/stayed here; (not healthily, for the most part...) I hate to THINK, where I could be...if, I was monitoring?!? (How I know, I could/should be...*But, I WILL not..."get DOWN on myself." It NEVER helps ANYTHING!

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    1. Honestly, the scale is so insignificant compared to what is happening to our blood. You know very well that there is never going to be a time when you don't have sufficient stress to let it be a reason not to. I know what you are going through right now is a kind of stress most don't have to contend with, but wouldn't it feel better to have more energy and a positive mindset to help you overcome that? This is the best time to start, there will be a huge change in your body and health by summer, and imagine how good you would feel when May comes and you are sharing space with someone I know you would love to feel good around. ;) I know you can't start until you are ready, but just know that I am here to go through it with you when you decide it's time. :)

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