Internal Spring

Last week was a good week.  It started with doubt and uncertainty, I wasn't sure I should be starting this thing over when I wasn't convinced I could stick to it.  But I have been so unhappy being off plan, seeing the weight come back, complete with some stretch marks (!) that I had to try.  The week began somewhat slow and uninspired, and I didn't even blog every day, because I was just going through the motions of getting back on track.  It only took one day to break the carb addiction, though time of the month probably had a lot to do with that.  But as the biological factors kicked in, I started to feel a positive lift in spirits that I haven't had in so long.  There were a few positives unrelated to my weight that happened as well, news and communication with friends I hope to see in May, both of whom I haven't seen in more than nine years.  That alone fires me up to get back on track.  And my family decided today where we are going on our first official out-of-state vacation, that got us all excited.  Every day it's sunny out I feel like spring just has to be right around the corner, and now that I am back on track, I don't dread the thought of my horrible body trying to survive a hot, humid summer in layers of unwanted clothes, because I'm too ashamed to show my body.
I started to plan out some goals that I want to work on, to form some new healthy habits.  One of them revolves around Fridays, and weekends in general.  I have been treating Fridays as party time where food was concerned, and eating whatever I want starting Friday at lunch, and going straight through Sunday, only to begin again on Monday, constantly rehashing the same few pounds over and over.  So Fridays, at least, have to be considered part of the week, not part of the weekend, and reigned in.  I have been saying I need to do this for probably more than a year now, but I haven't committed to the mindset and always looked at it as a sacrifice and challenge I wasn't ready to face.  It seems that I have a hard time finding the middle ground between not wanting to do anything off-plan and wanting to go completely off the rails.
This Friday, I actually wanted to go out to a restaurant, as this is our family habit.  But the kids were excited that a friend of theirs wanted to play a game with them on-line, and didn't want to leave the house.  And, as often happens to us, no one could agree where to go.  I really just wanted a burger with a salad on the side, I figured that was a decent, middle-of-the-road choice.  But alas, we didn't end up going out.  I wasn't too disappointed, I had been entertaining myself with a go at Angry Birds, my secret addiction, and was content to fix my normal dinner-homemade bean burrito (low-carb tortilla of course) and get a little relaxation time.  My sons have started eating tuna wraps and homemade bean burritos with me, that is really good to see them adopting some of my healthier choices.
Saturday would have been an easy time to cheat and eat all kinds of crazy stuff, as my husband was working, and I was at home with my sons alone.  This is usually when we would go to the store and get a bunch of junk food and indulge in it with no one to judge us.  What a horrible thing I was teaching my kids!  But instead of falling into bad patterns, I decided Saturday wasn't going to be about food at all.  I did some much-needed spring cleaning, donating a whole ten bags/boxes of clothes, shoes, books and toys.  Some of the things donated were my "fat" clothes.  I fished one back out to try it on, a size 22-24 funky dress, and it was simply too big.  It hung like a rectangle tent, even with the built-in belt tied as tight as it would go.  That was a personal victory.  After spending some time catching up on reading some blogs, and doing a little more cleaning, we did indeed go out to dinner.  I had my burger with guacamole that I'd been craving, and instead of fries I had a cup of chicken and rice soup on the side.  I ate a few tortilla chips (less than ten) and a few oyster crackers, and I when I was finished with my meal, I was so satisfied and full.  My family enjoyed some apple and cherry turnovers afterword, but I didn't even want any.  I know what that would do to my blood sugars and my mind!  There is a time and a place for that sort of indulgence, but I'm not in the mindset to let the "devil" in just yet.  My son's birthday is next weekend, I will have to decide what to do by then, I know one stinking piece of cake could totally derail me.  I am approaching this with new eyes, realizing that the choice to ignore what I've learned is always there, that moderation has to happen, and that the less sugar I eat, the better luck I will have at seeing this thing through.
Today, despite my husband being at work again, I stayed on track and did some more spring cleaning and blog reading.  It feels really good to not be a slave to thoughts about food.  It leaves a lot of room for other, more important and uplifting thoughts.
Tomorrow I am going to get my butt back into the gym.  It has been so long I have stepped foot in there.  It is going to feel amazing to get the blood back in my muscles.  I am so happy to have the desire back.  I'm not thrilled that I let things go so far off track, but I have learned much from my mistakes.  And if I can't see that for the gift that it is, then I am a blind fool.
Hope you had a great weekend and are ready to rev up your Monday!


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