Monday, August 19, 2013

This is How it Should Feel

This is a post from last week.
Yesterday was the second day in recent time that I slept straight through my alarm, before that, it had been years since that's happened to me.  So I didn't get a chance to workout at all.  The extra sleep felt necessary and good.  I made sure to set my alarm a lot louder today, to avoid having the same thing happen, and even though I got less than six hours sleep, I went to the gym anyway.  I trained chest and shoulders today, and it turns out I was able to really push myself, and as my workout progressed, I found myself wanting  to push harder, one more set, one more move.  My shoulders were so dead by the time I was finished, that pushing the door open to leave the gym felt like a chore.  And that happy, post workout buzz hit me on the drive home, like an affirmation that this is how I should feel after working out.  I was still tired, and still am, but being tired from a reduced amount of sleep is a way better feeling than being exhausted because your body doesn't have what it needs to function properly.  
I have been going through a lot emotionally.  I was a little upset when my coworker got fired, but I got over it.  Other than not being able to take any time off, it is just a downer that he is now looking for a job in this crappy economy. There is a lady who works the reception area in my office, who was showing signs of a heart attack, so she had it checked out, got a stint put in, and came back to work.  She was fine, except for a nagging head/neck ache.  The next day they found bleeding in her brain, and after an operation she was kept from recovering by several seizures and a stroke.  Now 3 weeks after this all began, she is finally able to start rehab, but can't walk or talk well at all.  She is 63, and the main caretaker of her 52 year old husband who has advanced stages of Parkinson's disease.  It has been weighing on my heart so heavily, more than one comfort food sessions has happened because of it.  There are other things happening too, my kids acting out and breaking expensive things at the babysitter's house, having to clean up decaying baby birds that have fallen from the nest in our patio rafters, and the second cancer scare of the year for me.  I had my first mammogram ever on Monday, and they called me back Tuesday to say they discovered an area of calcification and needed more X-rays.  This news came less than an hour after my husband opened up a conversation about the gap between us.  So I went in for more photos, this is no big deal, I didn't experience any pain like so many women do, but the waiting for the results nearly killed me.  I reexamined my life and thought about what my life would be like if the results were not good.  I thought about my kids a lot.  And when the nurse came back in, she didn't have an answer, but needed still more photos.  And after more photos, they had to call a second nurse in to help get the position right.  They said what they were looking at was so tiny, and sometimes it is on the skin instead of in the tissue.  They finally got acceptable photos I guess, and a nurse came in to tell me that my calcification has "characteristics of being benign", and to have a nice day and schedule another in a year so they could compare the results.  I felt releif and doubt simultaneously, but my coworker made a good point about liability.  If they were uncertain, they would have ordered still more tests.  So I am breathing a sigh of relief, and hoping things start changing for the positive.  Other than a cholesterol screening in December, I don't have any more Dr appointments to contend with.   The iron and vitamin D supplements seem to finally be starting to work and I'm staring to sleep really good and have more energy during the day.  My diet is on-point again.  The hormonal cravings are still something I contend with EVERY SINGLE MONTH, not just craving salt, sugar and fat, but just craving eating in general.  The good thing is, it doesn't last forever.  
I've been really happy that my husband's schedule hasn't fluctuated too much yet, and I'm secretly hoping it stays this way. Despite not enjoying waking up so early, I do like having my workout behind me so early in the day.  It is getting noticeably darker in the mornings, and I'm dreading moving into the time when the lack of light and the cold drive me indoors for my cardio, but I'm lucky to have options other than walking up and down my hallway in my apartment!  This has been a wild, wild journey.  It makes me laugh at times, and sometimes it'd like to make me cry in frustration, but it is Never ever boring!
Happy Thursday!

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