A Little Lost

I haven't had much quiet time with which to blog lately.  I read another book by Geneen Roth last week, called "Appetites: On the Search for True Nutrition".  I have a bizarre emotional response to this author.  I believe what she says because some of the things she says feel like she was reading my mind.  And then my dieter-for-life mentality thinks, 'what the #*%+???!! One paragraph she's telling me to eat chocolate because it is what I truly want, in another she's telling me that I need to really want to eat healthy because to honestly want the chocolate means I want food instead of health.'  Sounds like a diet to me.  But I really like how she writes; how she describes the tortures we subject ourselves to and in some of her books (Breaking Free from Emotional Eating) she explains ways to work through some of those things.  I am still struggling with eating mindfully.  I do try to figure out exactly what I want; to smell it, feel it's texture in my mouth, really taste it, enjoy it and be satisfied.  And then I dive in and eat it until I can't taste it anymore.  I have discovered that I am particularly vaulnerable to the "not enough" syndrome.  Yesterday is a prime example.  One of the drug company reps catered in a lunch for our office, exotic pastas, salad and a gigantic (and I mean 4 servings per) cookies and rice crispy treats.  I ate some pasta and salad and I was satisfied, but another girl from my office came in and grabbed a rice crispy treat and said something to the effect that they were phenomenal and I needed to try one.  So I did.  And a quarter of the way through it, I had had enough, my jaws were even getting tired, but I kept eating, losing more and more interest all along, but eating until it was gone.  My gut was so full, but still I was plotting to take two of those big cookies ( I was the last one to eat and there was quite a bit of leftovers).  I didn't immediately take them, but as the afternoon went on, I noticed the cookies were starting to disappear.  So I grabbed two, telling myself they were for my kids.  My kids were acting bad last night so I didn't give them the cookies.  I inhaled one last night while my husband was at the gym and my kids were distracted playing games.  I didn't enjoy it, I was too worried about getting caught.  I ended up feeling overfull, sweeted-out and full but still empty.  If there were a bunch of cookies left over, I probably would have just passed them up, but because I saw them starting to dwindle, I had this sense of urgency to act.  Silly little mind games. But, discovering the triggers we are sensitive to is a huge step toward breaking the behaviors.

I will leave with a few excepts from "Appetites" by Geneen Roth.  These were parts that had a lot of meaning and depth for me.  Hope you're finding your way through your own personal jungle, or getting lost in it if that's your journey!