I don't remember when I started comfort-eating, but I do remember comments, meant to help or control, my mother questioning how I could eat as much as I did, sometimes comparing my plate to my dad's, always making me feel guilty and greedy and insatiable. On a surface level, I understand why she did it. Her own family had been very poor, and we were not well off either. She was probably thinking then, what I wonder about my two sons now, how are we going to afford to feed this family if these kids don't let up on the volume?! Sometimes my 9 year old eats and eats until his stomach looks disdended and horifically uncomfortable, but he goes back to the fridge in search for more. I worry about what that means because he is like me in so many ways. I am keeping my eye on this, but I'm also sharing some of the things I'm learning, and I think he will benefit from it.
Tonight's attempt at meditation was short-lived due to complete lack of focus. My boys were being noisy on the other side of our shared wall, and people outsides were laughing and yelling at dogs and lighting off firecrackers. All that came to me was that image of my sad, 6 year old self, sitting on the steps, covering up my hurt with a little song.
I'm still learning what this all means, I know that hurt little girl has some answers for me and a few other images. I may try to meditate again now that it's quieter. I'm focusing on fixing the hurt, showing that little girl that sometimes being alone is uplifting. Sometimes moms push us away without meaning it because they are dealing with something bigger than we can understand. Sometimes moms don't have all the answers and sometimes we react emotionally when we wish we wouldn't.
Sometimes we have to go back in time and be our own mom, reaching out to our hurt memories to show them that it doesn't mean what we think it means; that we are being loved in so many ways we don't recognize at that moment, that we are going to be OK despite that little incident. That life will rush into us one day and when the time is right, and we are open to it, we will receive it with our entirety.