Answers

I have been trying to meditate nightly, or at least go to the dark corners of mind to do a little searching.  I think I was trying too hard to make it an other-worldly thing.  Last night, I got really vivid imagery of metal spires twisted out from the top of my head, getting thinner and sharper as they formed a conical meeting about a foot from my head.  I tried hard to bring my contemplation into focus, but I was distracted by this imagery and soon fell asleep.

Tonight was a little more successful as I didn't try to go too deep, but simply cine to a point of relaxation and start asking myself questions.  I answered without thinking, and was a little surprised at how easily my mind answered the question which lead directly to the next.  It was sort of like free-association.  Here are some of the questions I asked myself and the answers I got.

Why are you stuck?

Because I'm not allowed to be OK

Who is disallowing it?

My mother.  She's not OK so I can't be

What if you were OK?

She would feel betrayed or belittled, in her mind it would highlight the fact that that I am better than her or that she's broken.

Your mother was unavailable emotionally sometimes, what did she need from you?

To be left alone, understanding, sympathy.

And what did you need from her?

attention, warmth, interaction, hugs

Did you get those things ever?

yes, but it stopped way before I was ready for it to

What changed to make it stop?

I feel like she withdrew when I got a little older,like 8.  I wasn't a baby anymore.  In her own family, the kids were encouraged to be tough and independent as soon as possible.  But I needed more, but I didn't feel like I could ask for it.

What did you think would happen if you did?

she would think I'm being a baby or that I'm weak.  She would be ashamed of me, and think I was too needy. 

What about your Dad?

my dad worked hard, which meant I didn't see much of him.  He worked overnight and we had to be quiet during the day.  When he was awake and not working, many times he was in the garage with his buddies, drinking and working on cars.  

How would you describe your relationship with him growing up?

Like living with a stranger.  

 What did he need from you?

For me to not take after him and his mistakes

What did you need from him?

Patience, interaction, sobriety, guidance, to not feel like a burden to both of my parents.

Is that how you think THEY felt?  

Sometimes.  They were too young and too poor and I didn't understand that when I was young.  I might have gotten a negative reaction from a request or something I did because we were struggling financially or because they had both been through so much already by the time they became teen parents.  But it made me feel like I was too much and wanted too much.

What about your sister?

I have some really nice memories with her, but I also felt like I was a burden to her too.  She was often forced to let me come along with her when she'd hang out with her friends, when she really didn't want to.  She was older, popular, pretty and in my perception, didn't have to exert much effort into getting good grades.  And, she wasn't fat.  I always felt like I would never measure up to her in my parents eyes.

What did she need from you?

Company, a confidant, when she felt like she was voiceless or powerless, she had me she could boss around.

What did you need from her?

someone I could talk to about our parents and how the world made me feel, someone to be silly with (and we were silly lots of times).  Someone who would hear me without judgments or advice.  

Who put you in this cage?

I put myself here.  I locked myself away from the anti-bliss.  I did it to protect myself from other people's dispair, so I can't be the scapegoat or try to fix them or cheer them up when they care so little about what it's doing to me.

That's what I got through in tonight's session.  I wanted to blog it so that I don't forget and also to share and get it out of me.  It's not fun going to these dark places, but I feel a little stronger everytime I do.