Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Wellness

I am still here, still working and delving into the dark, and you know what?  The more times I go to the dark, the more I feel the grip of my past loosening.  I'm losing my anger, my hurt, my feelings of loneliness and smallness.  I'm learning that how I felt about things that happened to me as a child were things I was only seeing from one side, and through the eyes of a child.  But I'm not a hurt little girl anymore.  I am a smart, funny woman and people enjoy being around me.  I have a family who loves me to the moon and back.  I have a bestie I can tell anything to and get to make people feel good about buying eyeglasses.  I have a pretty sweet life.
Meditation (and I am using that term very loosely) or as Geneen Roth calls it, 'inquiring' has been helpful.  If I ask myself a question in the normal state, I am never guaranteed an answer, but when I'm in a dark, quiet(ish) place and am focused on the images taking me to the place where I get the answers (it feels like I'm asking them to a wise sage) I get very short, Precise answers to questions is often can't figure out by thinking about them in passing.  I don't write them down because the question and it's answer are relevant to that moment and that situation.  As I learn and grow, I would imagine it gets easier.  
It's amazing, I am as heavy as ever, but have a lot more peace working internally. The thought of never going on another diet for the rest of my life doesn't sound like manic binge-eating things I've been denying myself, it feels like I am allowing myself some peace.  It's been a long time coming; I've tortured myself long enough.  Now I know what I've been dying to understand for so many years, it was never about food or dieting or willpower.  I was using that as a cover-up for the deep stuff I didn't want to face.  Now that I'm getting into all that muck, I am starting to feel a certain calmness and freedom I've been searching for.  I wish I could share it with everyone struggling right now.  
Just wanted to update you.  Good things are happening.  Hope you are well too.

1 comment:

  1. Amy that is really wonderful. I am working on the same kind of thing myself, plus learning to meditate. I don't think it was every really about the weight.

    Take care.

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