I am still here, still working and delving into the dark, and you know what? The more times I go to the dark, the more I feel the grip of my past loosening. I'm losing my anger, my hurt, my feelings of loneliness and smallness. I'm learning that how I felt about things that happened to me as a child were things I was only seeing from one side, and through the eyes of a child. But I'm not a hurt little girl anymore. I am a smart, funny woman and people enjoy being around me. I have a family who loves me to the moon and back. I have a bestie I can tell anything to and get to make people feel good about buying eyeglasses. I have a pretty sweet life.
Meditation (and I am using that term very loosely) or as Geneen Roth calls it, 'inquiring' has been helpful. If I ask myself a question in the normal state, I am never guaranteed an answer, but when I'm in a dark, quiet(ish) place and am focused on the images taking me to the place where I get the answers (it feels like I'm asking them to a wise sage) I get very short, Precise answers to questions is often can't figure out by thinking about them in passing. I don't write them down because the question and it's answer are relevant to that moment and that situation. As I learn and grow, I would imagine it gets easier.
It's amazing, I am as heavy as ever, but have a lot more peace working internally. The thought of never going on another diet for the rest of my life doesn't sound like manic binge-eating things I've been denying myself, it feels like I am allowing myself some peace. It's been a long time coming; I've tortured myself long enough. Now I know what I've been dying to understand for so many years, it was never about food or dieting or willpower. I was using that as a cover-up for the deep stuff I didn't want to face. Now that I'm getting into all that muck, I am starting to feel a certain calmness and freedom I've been searching for. I wish I could share it with everyone struggling right now.
Just wanted to update you. Good things are happening. Hope you are well too.