Thursday, March 26, 2015

Fresh Air

*from 3/15/15
Tonight, when my everything came to the part where we turn down the lights and bring the quiet back to our day, I cracked my window open and let the smell of fresh air flood over me. I was cooling off from the copious loads of laundry I've been doing, but somehow the fresh air at night always makes me nostalgic.  I think back to my youth, nights spent out on the town with friends, dreaming about boys or chasing them or avoiding certain ones.  Laughing, dancing and doing pretty much whatever we wanted.  That kind of carefree attitude came at the price of heavy drama, but it still felt good. 
When I closed the window, I realized that I am sad today.  Not tired, not stresses, sad.  It sneaked in through the open window.  I am sad because I'm not young anymore, because my life isn't very exciting.  I'm sad because even though I could physically walk several miles all around the wildlife sanctuary, my hips were aching nearly the whole time.  I'm sad because I didn't even care that my hair looked dirty when I left the house.  I'm sad because at the end of a night where I only ate two meals plus 2 snacks all day, I feel miserably bloated and uncomfortable.  I'm sad because these issues are fixable and I care so little about myself that I choose not to fix them.  Stretching and strengthening my hips would make walking for long periods much more comfortable and help me avoid having more knee issues.  And I don't do it.  I ate low carb most of the week last week, then Friday came and my kids and I had the day off and I just let it all fall apart, and kept it going all weekend.  Wine, sugary treats, pizza.  It's not so much about what I ate as it is about how it makes me feel, and the message that sends to my brain.  It's like my stomach and tongue are at war.  It tastes so good but it makes me feel bad.  I know this is part of the learning curve, where I listen to my body.  I know one thing for sure, my body can't process certain things as well.  We ended up at Applebee's for post-wildlife sanctuary meal.  Their menu is definitely designed for carnivores.  I wasn't in the mood for Mac and cheese or Alfredo, so I had a chicken dish that was set on a bed of tortilla strips.  That was hours ago and I am still full (or bloated, hard to tell).  I hate this feeling.  
So I think my lesson for today is that the price I pay for eating certain things just isn't worth it.  I hope I can remember this feeling next time I want to eat things that make me feel this way. 

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