Suicide Scare

Sooooo, last week went way WAY off the rails.  It started out fine, and I was watching my Fitbit like a maniac, then my 12 year old son confessed to me that he wants to kill himself but he's "not ready yet".  You can imagine I have been a wreck, and I have been trying to comfort with food.  My body feels so awful, I literally loathe how I feel eating and drinking all the stuff I have been since he said that.  He is autistic and very sensitive, but he also likes to get a reaction, but this is not something I would ever take a chance on.  I went with him to see a counselor this morning and he was very open and honest even when it was hard to admit things.  In these moments, no matter who you are, you feel like a failure as a parent.  You play things in your head that you could have/should have handeled better.  You wonder if your own mental health issues have been passed along.  You wonder about a million things that could or should be done different.  Ultimately, he said he only feels like killing himself when he's in physical pain but we did expose an anxiety issue during our talk today.  For now, he is not considered at risk for suicide, but it'll take us, as a family, a while to feel normal again. 
I have been really lazy since that incident too, opting not to take my dog for walks or do more than I have to.  I ended up getting 53,000 steps which was about 23 miles last week.  To be honest, I just didn't care, it wasn't a focus or priority at all, and it was so easy to slip into that mode for me.  My brain was tired and my body was absolutely drained. 
This week the goal is to get back to at least a moderate menu.  I have complex carbs built in for breakfast ( a bagel) but salad and veggie burger for my other meals.  Nothing to write home about.  My husband and I are going on a mini vacation this weekend while the kids go on an adventure with their grandparents, so I am not going to try and be squeaky clean on vacation but I don't plan on pigging out either.  My husband is really disciplined and eats clean all the time, so I don't really enjoy eating pure crap when I'm with him.  He lets his gaurd down a little on vaca so we may end up having one or two indulgent meals on vacation.
My lower body is hurting more than ever today, and after agreeing to get appointments set up for my kids for miscellaneous things, I am starting to consider seeing a chiropractor finally.  I promised my son if it wasn't better by the end of summer I would look into it.  I still have a month left before they start school so I will need to make a better effort to help myself feel better. I have information about stretches and strengthening exercises I can do for piriformis and sciatica and I have been LaZy!!  So when I have these aches, like this morning, I have to remind myself that it is my own fault, but also it is something I can potentially fix on my own.  I told myself, as I finished my walk with my dog this morning, that most back injuries are preventable.  My lower back was hurting along with my tight, tired hips and butt, and that hasn't been a factor before so I think my body's trying to tell me I better step up or I'm going to regret it. 
With summer winding down soon, I feel like a deadline is quickly approaching.  Soon my free time to fuss over these things is going to dwindle and I be left with a little time at the extreme end of my night or the weekends.  Ugh.  Fall is always so busy it seems, and I have already started noticing the change in the natural light and noticed myself feeling the tug of sadness in the summer being over.  It is so bittersweet.  I am not one of those moms who gets all happy and celebrates when the kids go back to school, it is much the opposite for me. With two kids with autism, both of them now teenager'ish (12 and 14), school weeks come with praying the phone doesn't ring telling me they kids are acting up/can't be handled/need to be picked up/emergency meetings need to be held/ etc.  Then there's the nightly battle over homework and trying to get them to go to bed at a decent time so the horror that is the morning wake-up and getting ready to school can actually go smoothly enough to have them at school on time.  But maybe I just need to tackle it with a better attitude.  If what we've just gone through with my son taught me anything it is that we can weather any storm if we ride the boat together.  Life is not always smooth.  Sometimes it takes a little wake up call to remind you what you're made of.  I will think of last week as a hiccup, keep it in mind and move along.  Life is too short to keep looking behind you for sticks you can beat yourself up with.  Heaven knows I have beat myself up for enough to fill entire lifetimes, and it's time for my own self-care to kick in because I can't be good for anyone else if I am a complete mess.  So, this family is going to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and focus on having a little more fun and being less serious, and hey, we might just fix a few things along the way that no one knew were broken.  I feel like I need to change my own mental energy and lighten up a little.  What better time than the present?!
Happy New Week! Feels like a fresh start.  Hope it's a good one!


  1. Hello,

    I read your blog from time to time and of course this post struck a cord with me about your son.
    My beautiful, handsome nephew killed himself last year. It is the most heart wrenching moment of our entire lives. With no warning, just a dreaded phone call that he was dead. He is older but still the same feeling.
    You can't go out on walks with your dog because you fear what will happen if you are not with your son 100 % of the time. The "what" ifs are horrible.
    You are lucky he came to you about this.
    Getting help is the first step and being honest on your feelings is the number 1 thing you have in your corner and his.

    I wish you a lot of luck and love.
    Rose :)

    1. Thank you for you thoughts and love, Rose. I'm so sorry for what your family has gone through.


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