Where did August go? Where did summer go? I can't believe it's almost time for the kids to go back to school already and I feel so unprepared for the anticipated chaos that comes along with having extra responsibility. Even with the more carefree days of summer, I feel like there's not enough time to get all the things on my list done. Will I ever feel caught up?
Just two short weeks ago I was getting ready for a weekend getaway with my husband and I even took a day off beforehand for appointments and packing and such. Wouldn't you know, up until the moment we got in the car and left, I was feeling all scattered, constantly thinking of one more thing that should be done before we go, one more thing we should pack just in case we need it. My mind is so seldom at rest, it drives me crazy! No wonder I'm so tired all the time! I thought I may have ADD but in talking to other women, particularly moms, this just comes along with the teritory! It's exhausting being a woman sometimes!
We did have a nice trip. The island is so low-key, it really harkens back to a much simpler time where nature is the entertainment and people wave at passsersby just because it's the neighborly thing to do. We had some excellent eats and a ton of beach time, and a few drinks too.
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| Lots of laughs on the beach |
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| Our B&B had gourmet food, most of it grown by the owners |
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| I LOVE trees and the island is loaded with them! |
The whole feeling of letting go of the daily grind, letting go of the have-to's, total liberation from responsibility was a feeling I could get used to! But until I win the lottery, I have to return to the real world after a weekend in bliss. I have a pretty wonderful life but I do feel weighed down by responsiblity a lot. I usually grin and bear it, but last week when my son had a huge meltdown and blamed me for messing up when his orientation week at school began and started to swear about me out of frustration and anger, I let it go a little telling him (my husband heard it too) that the entire family makes me plan and schedule and coordinate everything and I'm old and tired and human and it's not fair. It won't do any good other than me venting, but part of me felt good for saying it because I usually don't show my frustration as easily or as much as I feel it.
With everything going on around me, my kids' things that are cropping up lately, and getting ready for school, applying for a new job, etc. I just haven't felt I have the mental energy to think about food or doing healthy things. Oh, I do buy healthier food when I shop on the weekend, but whether or not it gets eaten will be seen. Already there was an issue with my breakfast this morning, supposed to be a low-carb egg "tortilla" burrito. My youngest was half-sleeping in the living room and dislikes the smell of eggs so much that it will make him throw up. I try to only cook eggs when he's asleep in his room, but today with him stirring and waking at my breakfast time, I just opted for a bagel. Things like this, it's really hard for me to take an extra hard path just to eat those eggs. I don't have the mental energy to fight that battle so I took the path of lesser resistance. I keep thinking things will "fall into place" at some point, that it will be easier, that I'll be inspired more at some point by some mysterious thing. I lose my focus, I allow myself to get caught up in everything else so that I don't have much left for caring for myself the way I should. Lets be honest, it takes a lot of time and energy to not only plan, but prep and keep the mind focused enough to do something. When I was most successful was when I was out of work. I guess it's good that I am keeping my hopes up that I will eventually lead a healthy lifestyle, but in a way it makes me feel bad that I'm not really trying that hard right now, and expecting some miraculous change in the future doesn't mean it's going to come. I think I need to revisit my Geneen Roth books and learn how to be happy without dieting because really all this "eating more prodcutivly" or lower carb stuff truly is dieting and I keep rebelling against the structure of I can't eat that, it has more than 9g of sugar per serving! I have done well on lower-carb diets many times, but somehow always feel like it's all or nothing, and once the door opens to some sugary carbs, I have a hard time pulling myself together.
So all these words to say that I don't have anything figured out. But, and this is a big But(t) I will never give up. I will begin climbing the moutain a million times even if I don't ever make it to the top. It's worth it, and I'm worth it. Back to the drawing board, and hopefully I will come out with a new sense of direction!
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