Ice Cream for Dinner

This week, as I continue not dieting, I am noticing my lack of desire for food.  I have suspected my hunger signal is "broken" before, but kept eating on the clock, every 3 hours to "keep my metabolism revved up."  That's great if I am doing any kind of physical activity whatsoever, but I'm really not. 
What I have been noticing is a sensation that reminds me of when I was pregnant; I get feelings of nausea a few times a day.  Like, uncomfortable, don't-want-to-eat nausea.  But last night, after having restless sleep the night before, I made myself eat a snack before bed.  Tuna on Triscuits, it was so good.  And the most magnificent thing happened, that nausea turned to a wonderful buzzing feeling; a comfortble food-buzz.  That was a bit of a lightbulb moment, that nausea I was feeling is really hunger.  I am so used to the sharp, acidic hunger sensation that this nausea was concerning me, so I'm really glad I figured it out! 
I feel like I haven't eaten much lately, partially because of the "nausea" but also, I am getting much better at catching myself when I think I should eat when I'm not physically hungry.  Last night I had ice cream for dinner.  That is what life is like when you give up dieting; but it wasn't the same as before when I was just "on a break" or having a bad day.  I had one drumstick and a small condiment-sized dish of a different flavor before bringing the dog out.  As I was walking the dog I was planning ahead what I should have for dinner since I'd not eaten since lunch.  Then I stopped the thought and realized that I was not hungry.  I think, it feels more natural to consider the ice cream an "extra".  I thought, that's not really a meal, I don't feel full.  But the question is not whether I'm full, but whether I'm hungry.  And I wasn't hungry, so that indeed was my meal for last night.  When I was hungry, I ate exactly what I wanted, stopped when I was satisfied, and went about my night.  I ate that tuna before bed and felt so good.  By the way, I did note that the food buzz came from the tuna but I didn't have that same feeling with the ice cream, and unfortunately, I didn't feel like the ice cream tasted as good as I was expecting it to.  All of these things are helping me to break old patterns that have failed me.  It is getting easier and I am not really having to exert myself much, just be more aware. 
The stopping when I feel satisfied is actually starting to get easier too, which is a pleasant surprise.  The food used to have so much power over me, I would almost feel possessive over it, didn't want to share or have any less than all of it, but now I can tell when I have had a perfect amount, and I am actually surprised how much more I was eating just out of the habit of not leaving stuff unfinished.  This week I have discovered that half a bagel feels about right, and I have been eating the whole thing for years, as if I am obligated to finish the whole thing, or even to toast and eat both halves.  Why would it be so strange to only eat one half of a bagel?  I just habitually eat the whole thing.  So there is one habit that is starting to break. 
I guess it's true what Geneen Roth says, it is really about questioning.  Questioning why I do what I do or why I want to.  That is guiding me to challenging the old, worn-out ways I have done things that have gotten me, and held me, to 195 pounds.  I love that I can have ice cream for dinner, and I love that I don't feel bad about doing it.  This is actually kind of fun(!) relearning eating.   It's not the same as the 'atta girl' I used to give myself for eating the things that the fitness models in magazines told me I should eat, this is so liberating and I honestly think, for the most part, I even have more self-esteem now, even though I look the same, just because I am not bowing to someone else's ideals.  It's just me, making my way, and feeling pretty darn good!


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