Doctors, Ugh!
For the second time in 2 years, I have lost my doctor. And I really liked this one. She is taking on a more senior role at the hospital and is no longer seeing patients in clinic. Is it me? ha ha. Finding a doctor who I can really feel comfortable with is not easy for me. Being overweight and going to the doctor takes on its own little anxiety-invoking issues that average weight people just don't understand. Sure, most people have some level of discomfort going to the doctor, no matter their size, because we all have something that makes us feel vulnerable, don't we? Tell me it's not just me.
So in my ponderings about finding a new doctor I considered skipping my physical exam this year, which was scheduled for mid-December. Then the voices in my head start to argue. Yes, I know it will make it even more uncomfortable when I do go back because they will ask why I didn't keep up with my care. Because I am embarassed by how flabby I am all over and I don't think a doctor will understand giving myself a free pass to eat anything I want as "healing myself". The other excuse I was giving myself is that if I wait a year, or even six months, it will give me time to have lost a little weight so I can at least say that I am doing "better than six months ago." Yet, whenever I go to the dentist (yes I know) my blood pressure is high. So am I really doing myself any favors by ignoring what could be an issue building, or more accurately, resurfacing? I am stuck between knowing this is the right way for me to move forward, this not dieting, and fighting the ingrained diet thoughts that I am not trying hard enough and I am a miserable failure. There are parts of me that are finding moments of joy that have nothing to do with my weight or appearance, even parts that find joy with my appearance, and there are parts that still call myself names in my head and try to shame myself into being harder on myself. It's not the easiest place to be but there are positive changes happening.
For instance, last night on my way home from work I was thinking about what I was going to eat when I get home, because that is an immediate response to me getting home. Ingrained. Then I asked myself if I was truly physically hungry and for maybe the first time ever, I reached into my mind and thought about what I would have if I could have anything and it was if my body was screaming at me WATER!!! So, I have heard that many times when we think we are hungry we are actually thirsty but I've never experienced it first hand. At least, I have never recognized it. So that was kind of a big deal. I have been more thirsty with all the dry air and heaters. I gulped down a bunch of icy cold water (which I rarely drink without flavoring) straight from the fridge and felt so satisfied. It took about another hour before I was physically hungry and I ate a nice meal. I was thinking about fruits and veggies and how little of that I am eating. Usually when I have some I really enjoy it as a side, but it's not my first go-to for planning meals or grabbing what I'm craving. So I will put on my thinking hat to try and encorporate more produce in my day as sides or snacks. I can still have whatever I want, but I should also have that. Every little bit of nutrient-dense stuff helps! I did sign myself up for an annual "health" challenge at my work. The goal is to weigh myself now and then in January. If I do not gain more than 2 pounds in that time I earn points which eventually add up to cash. I was surprised to see my weight (mid-day with my shoes and clothes on, mind you) is 195, the same as it was last December after being on low-carb diet for 3 months. I cringed at the thought of taking my weight, because I didn't want it to affect my mood, but it will be good to see if, after 6 weeks or so, if my weight has any change with this new lifestyle.
Another thing that this way of eating and being has done is helped me cut back on caffeine intake. Before, a 12-pk of Diet Coke would last me about 4 days. Now, it lasts me about a week and a half. I have been drinking more water because when I really listen to my body, that's what it's asking for, not soda. I was also trying to figure out if my morning caffeine pill was causing me heartburn, so I stopped taking it for a bit, and had a couple cups of iced coffee with sugar-free creamer in the morning. I actually felt so much better, more energy, happier mood, so I kept going without it. I have taken it a couple times in the morning to test if I'd get heartburn again and determined that it didn't really make me feel that much more awake like I'd expected. So, I have it on days when I am really sleep-deprived or irritable, but most days I skip it and just have a little coffee and maybe one soda at work. Much improved, and not really a challenge because I'm not telling myself I have to give this stuff up. Not restricting, just doing the detective work to see what my body prefers. It is not this type of thing:
I've tried all that, I'm tired of the noise. So even if it takes years to get my body to it's "natural weight" by not dieting, I'm OK with that. It is making me happier than dieting ever did because I am discovering where happiness and contentment live, and it's not inside my dress size.
So, do you think a medical doctor who sees an obese woman is going to understand all that? Hmmm, December might have some interesting twists and turns but I am not one to back down from a challenge.
So in my ponderings about finding a new doctor I considered skipping my physical exam this year, which was scheduled for mid-December. Then the voices in my head start to argue. Yes, I know it will make it even more uncomfortable when I do go back because they will ask why I didn't keep up with my care. Because I am embarassed by how flabby I am all over and I don't think a doctor will understand giving myself a free pass to eat anything I want as "healing myself". The other excuse I was giving myself is that if I wait a year, or even six months, it will give me time to have lost a little weight so I can at least say that I am doing "better than six months ago." Yet, whenever I go to the dentist (yes I know) my blood pressure is high. So am I really doing myself any favors by ignoring what could be an issue building, or more accurately, resurfacing? I am stuck between knowing this is the right way for me to move forward, this not dieting, and fighting the ingrained diet thoughts that I am not trying hard enough and I am a miserable failure. There are parts of me that are finding moments of joy that have nothing to do with my weight or appearance, even parts that find joy with my appearance, and there are parts that still call myself names in my head and try to shame myself into being harder on myself. It's not the easiest place to be but there are positive changes happening.
For instance, last night on my way home from work I was thinking about what I was going to eat when I get home, because that is an immediate response to me getting home. Ingrained. Then I asked myself if I was truly physically hungry and for maybe the first time ever, I reached into my mind and thought about what I would have if I could have anything and it was if my body was screaming at me WATER!!! So, I have heard that many times when we think we are hungry we are actually thirsty but I've never experienced it first hand. At least, I have never recognized it. So that was kind of a big deal. I have been more thirsty with all the dry air and heaters. I gulped down a bunch of icy cold water (which I rarely drink without flavoring) straight from the fridge and felt so satisfied. It took about another hour before I was physically hungry and I ate a nice meal. I was thinking about fruits and veggies and how little of that I am eating. Usually when I have some I really enjoy it as a side, but it's not my first go-to for planning meals or grabbing what I'm craving. So I will put on my thinking hat to try and encorporate more produce in my day as sides or snacks. I can still have whatever I want, but I should also have that. Every little bit of nutrient-dense stuff helps! I did sign myself up for an annual "health" challenge at my work. The goal is to weigh myself now and then in January. If I do not gain more than 2 pounds in that time I earn points which eventually add up to cash. I was surprised to see my weight (mid-day with my shoes and clothes on, mind you) is 195, the same as it was last December after being on low-carb diet for 3 months. I cringed at the thought of taking my weight, because I didn't want it to affect my mood, but it will be good to see if, after 6 weeks or so, if my weight has any change with this new lifestyle.
Another thing that this way of eating and being has done is helped me cut back on caffeine intake. Before, a 12-pk of Diet Coke would last me about 4 days. Now, it lasts me about a week and a half. I have been drinking more water because when I really listen to my body, that's what it's asking for, not soda. I was also trying to figure out if my morning caffeine pill was causing me heartburn, so I stopped taking it for a bit, and had a couple cups of iced coffee with sugar-free creamer in the morning. I actually felt so much better, more energy, happier mood, so I kept going without it. I have taken it a couple times in the morning to test if I'd get heartburn again and determined that it didn't really make me feel that much more awake like I'd expected. So, I have it on days when I am really sleep-deprived or irritable, but most days I skip it and just have a little coffee and maybe one soda at work. Much improved, and not really a challenge because I'm not telling myself I have to give this stuff up. Not restricting, just doing the detective work to see what my body prefers. It is not this type of thing:
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| from Mannahealth.com |
I've tried all that, I'm tired of the noise. So even if it takes years to get my body to it's "natural weight" by not dieting, I'm OK with that. It is making me happier than dieting ever did because I am discovering where happiness and contentment live, and it's not inside my dress size.
So, do you think a medical doctor who sees an obese woman is going to understand all that? Hmmm, December might have some interesting twists and turns but I am not one to back down from a challenge.
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