The Year Begins to Turn
You might think me a bit of a Scrooge, as Christmas is one of my least favorite holidays. Besides the snow and cold, it the obligatory visiting and retelling the same stories, all the noisy kids running amok, the needing of table manners and structure. Did I mention, it's NOISY?! Add to all of that, the smells, the tastes, the feeling of having eaten more than you should have, or if you abstain, the feeling like you've somehow missed out...ugh! It's a wonder we survive this holiday, isn't it?
But never fear, New Year's with its anticipation and resolutions is right around the corner! I am already hearing talk about resolutions and it has got me thinking about the year ahead. On the genealogy front, I have some goals, these I have already loosely defined and I know I will work dilligently on them because I am naturally passionate about that right now. I am seeing weight loss goals starting to crop out. Get down to 120 lbs, lose 50,75,150 pounds, eat healthier, exercise more. I have come to realize that, even when I put up some front about not having a weight loss goal in mind for the new year, every year when New Year's Eve comes around, I am reflecting on how I am not where I wish I would be with my weight. This year will not be an exception. I feel less attractive than I have in years. I know a good deal of that is emotional, because in my mind,not dieting means I must be a huge disaster, when in reality, I haven't gained any weight since last December when I had my physical exam. Still, 195 is not exactly where I want to stick indefinitely. I don't feel great at this weight. My stomach gets in my way of even something as simple as pulling on my boots or tying my shoes. I can do these things but it is harder to breathe because I'm squishing my fat belly when I do that. I will admit, I am thinking about doing a bit of a keto resart to help myself lose the cravings for sweets. I don't think they are genuine, I am eating them because the visual cue tells me it's the time of year, that this is part of the celebration, and that I can always pull back when it's all over. I have also been drinking more alcohol this year than I had in the past. It has been a really stressful year at work, probably my most difficult year in the 17 years I have been at my profession, and I didn't really think anything of having a beer (sometimes two) after work, a few times a week. That hasn't helped with how I look or feel. And I have come to realize that, aside from a gentle little 'relax-buzz', I don't really feel that great when I drink. If it doesn't make me bloated then I get heartburn, or it leaves that sugar-phlegm or cotton mouth. My husband is cutting back on alcohol as his resolution in 2018, because we have been partners in crime lately. I will have a beer or glass of wine to reduce my work stress and he'll join in just because, or vice-versa. I have literally found myself drinking when I don't really feel like it, just because he is. And he, the man with amazing willpower, has confessed that drinking, even a small amount, makes him a lot less inhibited about what he eats. This is no great piece of revolutionary news, but for someone who does not ever eat emotionally and has no problem eating stuff he doesn't like because he sees food as a tool, it was a big statement. He is not super-human, he is prone to the same psychological stuff as I am, just to a much smaller scale.
So, what are my goals for 2018? I want to drink less alcohol, for one. I am going to get some kava tea, known for its relaxing properties, and on those nights when I feel like having alcohol, I will have some kava tea instead. The nice thing about that is I can add some stevia to it and make it sweeter if I want, unlike beer. I also want to be more in control of my eating in general, not necessarily restriction, but being more mindful of what I'm doing. I want to break the after-groceries binge and the idea that the weekends are just 'freebies' to eat all day. I want to get a good haircut. Seriously, it has been more than a year since I have had someone cut my hair the way I like it, and I am spending so much money on trying to get it right, but I think 2018 will be my year. But mostly, and this may fall under many different subdivisions, I want to start treating my body like I care about it. All the aches and pains, dull skin, all the stiffness and the little muscle tweaks doing standard stuff, the being out of breath over small tasks, the tight muscles, the largely unsettled mind, the hurt child inside, the weak relationships with family...there are so many things that go into treating my body/self as though I care. I know that it will come somewhat at a cost of other stuff, getting off my phone more, less time spent on genealogy, maybe even waking earlier to get something more done in my day. To me, focusing so much attention on myself makes me feel much like receiving a gift, a little guilty and embarrassed. I guess that's an area I need to work on. I am turning 45 this Friday, and that number seems so surprising to me. I mean, where did the last 10 years go? Still, I do feel like life has continually gotten better over the years and I have no doubt it will keep feeling that way. As I age, I am finding that the low parts in between the highs can been filled in with warm nostalgia; it wraps around me like the coziest blanket on a windy winter day. Now, all I need is some kava tea and I'll be just about right!
It's early, but Happy New Year!
But never fear, New Year's with its anticipation and resolutions is right around the corner! I am already hearing talk about resolutions and it has got me thinking about the year ahead. On the genealogy front, I have some goals, these I have already loosely defined and I know I will work dilligently on them because I am naturally passionate about that right now. I am seeing weight loss goals starting to crop out. Get down to 120 lbs, lose 50,75,150 pounds, eat healthier, exercise more. I have come to realize that, even when I put up some front about not having a weight loss goal in mind for the new year, every year when New Year's Eve comes around, I am reflecting on how I am not where I wish I would be with my weight. This year will not be an exception. I feel less attractive than I have in years. I know a good deal of that is emotional, because in my mind,not dieting means I must be a huge disaster, when in reality, I haven't gained any weight since last December when I had my physical exam. Still, 195 is not exactly where I want to stick indefinitely. I don't feel great at this weight. My stomach gets in my way of even something as simple as pulling on my boots or tying my shoes. I can do these things but it is harder to breathe because I'm squishing my fat belly when I do that. I will admit, I am thinking about doing a bit of a keto resart to help myself lose the cravings for sweets. I don't think they are genuine, I am eating them because the visual cue tells me it's the time of year, that this is part of the celebration, and that I can always pull back when it's all over. I have also been drinking more alcohol this year than I had in the past. It has been a really stressful year at work, probably my most difficult year in the 17 years I have been at my profession, and I didn't really think anything of having a beer (sometimes two) after work, a few times a week. That hasn't helped with how I look or feel. And I have come to realize that, aside from a gentle little 'relax-buzz', I don't really feel that great when I drink. If it doesn't make me bloated then I get heartburn, or it leaves that sugar-phlegm or cotton mouth. My husband is cutting back on alcohol as his resolution in 2018, because we have been partners in crime lately. I will have a beer or glass of wine to reduce my work stress and he'll join in just because, or vice-versa. I have literally found myself drinking when I don't really feel like it, just because he is. And he, the man with amazing willpower, has confessed that drinking, even a small amount, makes him a lot less inhibited about what he eats. This is no great piece of revolutionary news, but for someone who does not ever eat emotionally and has no problem eating stuff he doesn't like because he sees food as a tool, it was a big statement. He is not super-human, he is prone to the same psychological stuff as I am, just to a much smaller scale.
So, what are my goals for 2018? I want to drink less alcohol, for one. I am going to get some kava tea, known for its relaxing properties, and on those nights when I feel like having alcohol, I will have some kava tea instead. The nice thing about that is I can add some stevia to it and make it sweeter if I want, unlike beer. I also want to be more in control of my eating in general, not necessarily restriction, but being more mindful of what I'm doing. I want to break the after-groceries binge and the idea that the weekends are just 'freebies' to eat all day. I want to get a good haircut. Seriously, it has been more than a year since I have had someone cut my hair the way I like it, and I am spending so much money on trying to get it right, but I think 2018 will be my year. But mostly, and this may fall under many different subdivisions, I want to start treating my body like I care about it. All the aches and pains, dull skin, all the stiffness and the little muscle tweaks doing standard stuff, the being out of breath over small tasks, the tight muscles, the largely unsettled mind, the hurt child inside, the weak relationships with family...there are so many things that go into treating my body/self as though I care. I know that it will come somewhat at a cost of other stuff, getting off my phone more, less time spent on genealogy, maybe even waking earlier to get something more done in my day. To me, focusing so much attention on myself makes me feel much like receiving a gift, a little guilty and embarrassed. I guess that's an area I need to work on. I am turning 45 this Friday, and that number seems so surprising to me. I mean, where did the last 10 years go? Still, I do feel like life has continually gotten better over the years and I have no doubt it will keep feeling that way. As I age, I am finding that the low parts in between the highs can been filled in with warm nostalgia; it wraps around me like the coziest blanket on a windy winter day. Now, all I need is some kava tea and I'll be just about right!
It's early, but Happy New Year!
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