Revolution
Confession time. Dieting is hard, we all know that, but so is not dieting. Whenever I would start a new diet, there was an overwhelming sense of determination and hope and a lift in my mood just dreaming of the posibilities. With eating more mindfully, not so much. It is a S-L-O-W process and in the mean time I can feel how much rounder and giggly I have gotten. Things are not as comfortable such as bending over to tie my shoes and we won't even talk about trying to cross my legs like a lady, for now I just cross at the ankles. I feel like I get winded easier and clothes look a lot less attractive on me. And, my winter jacket doesn't have a lot of room left to spare. My knee-jerk reaction is to feel bad, to worry, to think about how to get that stuff reversed ASAP. But gosh, if those things worked I wouldn't be sitting here typing these words anyway.
And it's hard, because a lot of people around me are busy losing weight on this diet and that, eating the salads all the time and running,running,running like they love it. Maybe they do. I know my body is closer to menopause than it was at the start of the year, there are physical changes happening, and I also know that after menopause there is a greater risk of heart attack because estrogens actually protect our heart, and when we go through menopause, they typically drop considerably. But to watch others having some success inspires me and I find myself considering doing something restrictive. Of course a lower-carb diet has worked well in the past, but obviously I can't sustain it long-term because I keep "going off" and rebounding with a binge or continued compulsive eating. So, to settle my mind a little bit, I am deciding, good or bad, to continue with what I'm doing with the idea that, if I ever truly want to go back on a low-carb diet, I might be more successful if I get this part figured out first. I am finally starting to be aware of old, set in habits and make the active choice to think through my seemingly automatic actions in order to not eat/stop eating when I am not physically hungry. I reminded myself that the foundation of what caused me to adapt these bad habits needs to be fixed because a diet is just a band-aid, so slapping that band-aid on without fixing the other stuff is going to keep having the same result as in the past. And the yo-yoing is horrible for my body and my mind.
I am also having to remind myself that thinner doesn't mean all my problems go away, so in the same vein of mindfulness I have been trying to learn acceptance of what is. I am not a normal size. I do not have a perfectly manicured life. I do not have fitness on my side right now. Or youth. But that's OK because sometimes letting go of chasing all that brings the most wonderful, warm, peaceful awarness of the awesome things I do have in my life. Too many to list. If I were sick, or homeless, or addicted to drugs ( or a multitude of other things) I know I wouldn't believe that my happiness depends on my weight or how I look in a certain outfit. Life is so much bigger and richer than all this nonsense about my figure. Yes, I do like how I feel when I have less fat on me, I move easier and have more stamina, but it doesn't directly equate to happiness. So, my slightly bummed out mood lately over my weight, is something that I am willing to carry around for a while longer until I get my mind fixed a little. I think it will naturally lead me to eating fresher things, as I am learning I do actually enjoy, I have just been so obssessed with those tasty little morsels that we love to hate that I ignored the fact that I really love the taste of fresh bell peppers and a handful of juicy grapes. A bonus to those things is that they remind me of summer, which also makes me happy!
So I am going to check back in with myself in March to see if there has been any progress as far as fixing the knee-jerk want to eat foods that I don't particularly even enjoy just for the rebellion of it or the hope that it can change my mood. Then, if I think I want to make dietary changes it will be with a good foundation. I have a feeling, if I stick with this, I won't need to make dietary changes, but only time will tell. I am committed to thinking more and eating less habitually. It may seem unpopular but I have to try this. I don't know how many more years my body would've tolerated the yo-yoing. So maybe this is not that interesting of a post, a lot of words to say that I am staying the course, but it honestly took a lot of thought and grit to arrive at this decision. My emotional brain wants me to go on a diet and try to lose some of this belly. My emotional brain wants me to set yet another New Year's resolution because I am turning 45 in a few short weeks. My emotional brain is telling me I will have everything I ever thought would make me happy if I lose weight. This is the same emotional brain that tells me that some mac and cheese would really soothe me after a really stressful day at work. Good thing I'm starting to question the things my emotional brain tells me. And that is why I'm not going back on another diet.
And it's hard, because a lot of people around me are busy losing weight on this diet and that, eating the salads all the time and running,running,running like they love it. Maybe they do. I know my body is closer to menopause than it was at the start of the year, there are physical changes happening, and I also know that after menopause there is a greater risk of heart attack because estrogens actually protect our heart, and when we go through menopause, they typically drop considerably. But to watch others having some success inspires me and I find myself considering doing something restrictive. Of course a lower-carb diet has worked well in the past, but obviously I can't sustain it long-term because I keep "going off" and rebounding with a binge or continued compulsive eating. So, to settle my mind a little bit, I am deciding, good or bad, to continue with what I'm doing with the idea that, if I ever truly want to go back on a low-carb diet, I might be more successful if I get this part figured out first. I am finally starting to be aware of old, set in habits and make the active choice to think through my seemingly automatic actions in order to not eat/stop eating when I am not physically hungry. I reminded myself that the foundation of what caused me to adapt these bad habits needs to be fixed because a diet is just a band-aid, so slapping that band-aid on without fixing the other stuff is going to keep having the same result as in the past. And the yo-yoing is horrible for my body and my mind.
I am also having to remind myself that thinner doesn't mean all my problems go away, so in the same vein of mindfulness I have been trying to learn acceptance of what is. I am not a normal size. I do not have a perfectly manicured life. I do not have fitness on my side right now. Or youth. But that's OK because sometimes letting go of chasing all that brings the most wonderful, warm, peaceful awarness of the awesome things I do have in my life. Too many to list. If I were sick, or homeless, or addicted to drugs ( or a multitude of other things) I know I wouldn't believe that my happiness depends on my weight or how I look in a certain outfit. Life is so much bigger and richer than all this nonsense about my figure. Yes, I do like how I feel when I have less fat on me, I move easier and have more stamina, but it doesn't directly equate to happiness. So, my slightly bummed out mood lately over my weight, is something that I am willing to carry around for a while longer until I get my mind fixed a little. I think it will naturally lead me to eating fresher things, as I am learning I do actually enjoy, I have just been so obssessed with those tasty little morsels that we love to hate that I ignored the fact that I really love the taste of fresh bell peppers and a handful of juicy grapes. A bonus to those things is that they remind me of summer, which also makes me happy!
So I am going to check back in with myself in March to see if there has been any progress as far as fixing the knee-jerk want to eat foods that I don't particularly even enjoy just for the rebellion of it or the hope that it can change my mood. Then, if I think I want to make dietary changes it will be with a good foundation. I have a feeling, if I stick with this, I won't need to make dietary changes, but only time will tell. I am committed to thinking more and eating less habitually. It may seem unpopular but I have to try this. I don't know how many more years my body would've tolerated the yo-yoing. So maybe this is not that interesting of a post, a lot of words to say that I am staying the course, but it honestly took a lot of thought and grit to arrive at this decision. My emotional brain wants me to go on a diet and try to lose some of this belly. My emotional brain wants me to set yet another New Year's resolution because I am turning 45 in a few short weeks. My emotional brain is telling me I will have everything I ever thought would make me happy if I lose weight. This is the same emotional brain that tells me that some mac and cheese would really soothe me after a really stressful day at work. Good thing I'm starting to question the things my emotional brain tells me. And that is why I'm not going back on another diet.
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| sorry, not mine. From Pinterest and man is it awesome! |
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