Time Off
I am constantly writing blog posts in my head, I know I can't be the only one. Then when I get in front of the computer I go blank and if I blog at all it just feels like babble. Maybe that's the point, because that's how my mind feels most of the time, micro-managing a million different tasks at once, never fully completing a thought or task before the next one slides in.
I am on a much-needed week off of work. I planned this week a year ago, when I also had the first week of my kids summer break off. Last year we built a bookshelf out of wooden crates, planted flowers and spent long days at the local pool. I felt so good and relaxed and went back to work absolutely rejuvenated. This year? Not so much. We had a project planned, to build my son a privacy canopy for his bed, using PVC pipe and some old curtains we had laying around. Sounded simple, it wasn't as smooth as it should have been. My Monthly Meany is on the way soon and it is hot and humid and Oh! Woe is me! My thyroid medicine doesn't seem to be working, and I am one big ball of exhausted headache mixed with crabby-mom-syndrome!
I have been wondering why I am having such a hard time enjoying my time off. I have stolen a few moments away just for me, when the kids are sleeping in or when they are quietly occupied, and I just read on the patio and listen to the songbirds singing so sweetly, and the gentle sway of the trees in the warm summer breeze. I have slept in and sipped iced coffee, even had ice cream and soda. Something is missing. I should feel more blissful. Especially since work has been particularly stressful with us getting a new operating system and forcing it to launch even though important pieces of the puzzle are missing. But this week has left me feeling a little flat, faced with the reality that as a mom, a wife, and a pet owner, there isn't really such a thing as "time off". There will always be demands on my time. Most of the time, I feel I rise to the occasion with grace, albeit begrudgingly at times. Maybe it's hormones (or lack of) and the fact that I have totally neglected taking my vitamins for the last little while, which includes vitamin D3 of which I am deficient. But I think it is something deeper. I feel unfulfilled, insatiable in the appreciation and joy factors. I feel like I'm seeking out a deeper connection but can't seem to find what it is.
I belong to a Spiritualist church, which sounds mysterious and maybe creepy to some, but in reality we do healing meditations to help us let go of fear, anger, feelings of guilt or lack, and pain. We also try (through guided meditation) get symbols from the universe and converse with spirits of our loved ones who have passed on. Reverend Mary is a psychic channel who gives messages, but it's not some stage show, dramatic thing. The messages are usually pertaining to how to live a fuller life. For one person, it may be their mother telling them to laugh more and plant more flowers, for another it might be a grandparent letting them know that they want them to chase that dream they are afraid to take a risk on, etc. When Mary gave me a reading a couple weeks ago she said that I have a guardian angel over me, but they can see that I am in a weakened state due to my feelings of lack, guilt, and an unhappy childhood (these things I have never told her, she always tells me I seem so peaceful and happy). I started crying. She told me that I need to stop with the "shoulds" and let all of that stuff go and start to realize that I am powerful, worthy and capable of connecting with people.
Whether or not you believe in psychic abilities or even in church, the message was pretty deep for me. On one hand, I wanted to recoil a bit because the idea of fixing what is broken seems overwhelming. Like the idea of losing weight, all the mind tricks we have to play in order to keep our head in the game, all the hard work and fighting against nature...fixing my weight was a cover up though, for this deeper work that lies under the whole food issue in the first place. Feeling unworthy. This, I am discovering, can be expressed in a multitude of ways, but one that I am particularly guilty of is not saying no, or worse yet, caving when I've said no already but someone keeps insisting. Our last church session was about mantras and decrees. It is said that simply by repeating a mantra over and over to yourself every day, can actually have a positive effect. Kind of like that book "The Secret", the meaning that you should put out the energy into the universe that parallels what you want to have come back to you. For instance, if you are struggling financially, your mantra might be, "I have more than enough money to live comfortably." We learned that it can be even more transformative to say, "I am now moving from a place of financial lack, to a place of financial burden" symbolizing the pattern of moving or growing into a desired place. OK, it can seem hokey, but let me ask this, how many times does the negative, self-abusive voice burst through your brain every day? What if we replaced that negative voice with positives, in a sort of fake-it-til-you-make-it manner? For me, in my meditations of late, I feel like I am being drawn to nature. I feel like it is and will be therapeutic and I can use it as a tool. Of course I was thinking of a mantra that centered around worthiness because of Mary's message to me, but for it to be my own thing I knew it had to include nature as that is my current mind theme. So I made a mantra that feels grounding, powerful and graceful while incorporating my own power and grace. You can change your mantra as often as needed, or say more than one type of mantra throughout the day. I may need to add a compassion or patience mantra for work, since that is more pressing during those hours.
In giving up the shoulds, I am making the rule for this summer to be physically comfortable, which might be a little uncomfortable mentally. For example, I have already mentioned that I am going to go sleeveless when I am hot. I have already begun to do this. Yes, my arms are a part of my body that make me cringe the hardest, but man does it feel good to go sleeveless on a hot day. So, I told myself that I am going to live like I am already comfortable with my body. This morning as I walked the dog, I found myself wanting to take off my sweater, which would have revealed a tank top underneath. I hesitated for a minute, then I pretended in my head that I was just one of those totally cool, confident people who wears whatever they want and feels great. It was such a relief to take that sweater off and get a light breeze on my sun-soaked self. I continued the day in a tank-dress and I feel confident and cool and proud that I'm not letting this get to me. I have been miserably hot in past summers, having felt that the entire top portion of my arms must be covered, to the elbow if possible, just to hide my arms. No more! No more shoulds. No more making myself uncomfortable for the perceived comfort of others. I plan to read more things that uplift me and meditate much more consistently, and repeat mantras throughout the day. Part of me has been wanting to try focusing on working out and being more active and eating uber-healthy but now I know that my mind is trying to make me focus on the easy-to-change (at least for a while) surface stuff instead of the big-picture stuff that is causing me to eat compulsively and excessively in the first place. It's a defense mechanism, when one thing seems too unbearable or difficult, my mind can distract itself with other noise. Yes, I would like to be healthier but my mind is the root of the problem. I have a sneaking suspicion that fixing this stuff is going to fix a lot.
I have also taken my healthcare into my own hands and scheduled a follow up on my thyroid with a totally different health clinic. The physician assistant I saw for my physical was so horrible at following through with my care, and told me to wait 6 months before returning, and we would discuss my high blood pressure then, but I decided I don't want to spend all summer feeling drained and having headaches, so I am going to go see a doctor to make sure the physical body is humming along well while I work on the mental stuff. I deserve that. I cannot really plan to be more active when doing so makes me feel like a zombie.
I am also nearing the end of all my dental woes as well. After a 12 year hiatus I am finally getting caught up, and the wicked tooth that cost me so much money and required 4 different professionals do work on it, is finally going to get a beautiful, long lasting gold crown on it and insurance covers almost all of it so I am over the moon! One more visit and I am in maintenance mode. That is such a relief, it was a long time coming!
When the year was changing I got a really strong sense that something big and permanent was going to happen for me in 2018 and I still feel that I am on my way to permanent, good changes. I think I am ready to go into the dark places in my mind in to fight to get to the sunlight again. My will is strong and my heart is soft. I don't have a road map but I am going to share what I learn. I still have a couple days off to relax and enjoy not being at work. I am going to start these days with my mantra and that will hopefully start my day off on a positive, powerful note.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a nice shady spot waiting for me and a book out on the patio. The birds are already singing happily in my favorite tree as it sways ever so slightly with the warm summer breeze. Have a good rest of your week, friends!
I am on a much-needed week off of work. I planned this week a year ago, when I also had the first week of my kids summer break off. Last year we built a bookshelf out of wooden crates, planted flowers and spent long days at the local pool. I felt so good and relaxed and went back to work absolutely rejuvenated. This year? Not so much. We had a project planned, to build my son a privacy canopy for his bed, using PVC pipe and some old curtains we had laying around. Sounded simple, it wasn't as smooth as it should have been. My Monthly Meany is on the way soon and it is hot and humid and Oh! Woe is me! My thyroid medicine doesn't seem to be working, and I am one big ball of exhausted headache mixed with crabby-mom-syndrome!
I have been wondering why I am having such a hard time enjoying my time off. I have stolen a few moments away just for me, when the kids are sleeping in or when they are quietly occupied, and I just read on the patio and listen to the songbirds singing so sweetly, and the gentle sway of the trees in the warm summer breeze. I have slept in and sipped iced coffee, even had ice cream and soda. Something is missing. I should feel more blissful. Especially since work has been particularly stressful with us getting a new operating system and forcing it to launch even though important pieces of the puzzle are missing. But this week has left me feeling a little flat, faced with the reality that as a mom, a wife, and a pet owner, there isn't really such a thing as "time off". There will always be demands on my time. Most of the time, I feel I rise to the occasion with grace, albeit begrudgingly at times. Maybe it's hormones (or lack of) and the fact that I have totally neglected taking my vitamins for the last little while, which includes vitamin D3 of which I am deficient. But I think it is something deeper. I feel unfulfilled, insatiable in the appreciation and joy factors. I feel like I'm seeking out a deeper connection but can't seem to find what it is.
I belong to a Spiritualist church, which sounds mysterious and maybe creepy to some, but in reality we do healing meditations to help us let go of fear, anger, feelings of guilt or lack, and pain. We also try (through guided meditation) get symbols from the universe and converse with spirits of our loved ones who have passed on. Reverend Mary is a psychic channel who gives messages, but it's not some stage show, dramatic thing. The messages are usually pertaining to how to live a fuller life. For one person, it may be their mother telling them to laugh more and plant more flowers, for another it might be a grandparent letting them know that they want them to chase that dream they are afraid to take a risk on, etc. When Mary gave me a reading a couple weeks ago she said that I have a guardian angel over me, but they can see that I am in a weakened state due to my feelings of lack, guilt, and an unhappy childhood (these things I have never told her, she always tells me I seem so peaceful and happy). I started crying. She told me that I need to stop with the "shoulds" and let all of that stuff go and start to realize that I am powerful, worthy and capable of connecting with people.
Whether or not you believe in psychic abilities or even in church, the message was pretty deep for me. On one hand, I wanted to recoil a bit because the idea of fixing what is broken seems overwhelming. Like the idea of losing weight, all the mind tricks we have to play in order to keep our head in the game, all the hard work and fighting against nature...fixing my weight was a cover up though, for this deeper work that lies under the whole food issue in the first place. Feeling unworthy. This, I am discovering, can be expressed in a multitude of ways, but one that I am particularly guilty of is not saying no, or worse yet, caving when I've said no already but someone keeps insisting. Our last church session was about mantras and decrees. It is said that simply by repeating a mantra over and over to yourself every day, can actually have a positive effect. Kind of like that book "The Secret", the meaning that you should put out the energy into the universe that parallels what you want to have come back to you. For instance, if you are struggling financially, your mantra might be, "I have more than enough money to live comfortably." We learned that it can be even more transformative to say, "I am now moving from a place of financial lack, to a place of financial burden" symbolizing the pattern of moving or growing into a desired place. OK, it can seem hokey, but let me ask this, how many times does the negative, self-abusive voice burst through your brain every day? What if we replaced that negative voice with positives, in a sort of fake-it-til-you-make-it manner? For me, in my meditations of late, I feel like I am being drawn to nature. I feel like it is and will be therapeutic and I can use it as a tool. Of course I was thinking of a mantra that centered around worthiness because of Mary's message to me, but for it to be my own thing I knew it had to include nature as that is my current mind theme. So I made a mantra that feels grounding, powerful and graceful while incorporating my own power and grace. You can change your mantra as often as needed, or say more than one type of mantra throughout the day. I may need to add a compassion or patience mantra for work, since that is more pressing during those hours.
In giving up the shoulds, I am making the rule for this summer to be physically comfortable, which might be a little uncomfortable mentally. For example, I have already mentioned that I am going to go sleeveless when I am hot. I have already begun to do this. Yes, my arms are a part of my body that make me cringe the hardest, but man does it feel good to go sleeveless on a hot day. So, I told myself that I am going to live like I am already comfortable with my body. This morning as I walked the dog, I found myself wanting to take off my sweater, which would have revealed a tank top underneath. I hesitated for a minute, then I pretended in my head that I was just one of those totally cool, confident people who wears whatever they want and feels great. It was such a relief to take that sweater off and get a light breeze on my sun-soaked self. I continued the day in a tank-dress and I feel confident and cool and proud that I'm not letting this get to me. I have been miserably hot in past summers, having felt that the entire top portion of my arms must be covered, to the elbow if possible, just to hide my arms. No more! No more shoulds. No more making myself uncomfortable for the perceived comfort of others. I plan to read more things that uplift me and meditate much more consistently, and repeat mantras throughout the day. Part of me has been wanting to try focusing on working out and being more active and eating uber-healthy but now I know that my mind is trying to make me focus on the easy-to-change (at least for a while) surface stuff instead of the big-picture stuff that is causing me to eat compulsively and excessively in the first place. It's a defense mechanism, when one thing seems too unbearable or difficult, my mind can distract itself with other noise. Yes, I would like to be healthier but my mind is the root of the problem. I have a sneaking suspicion that fixing this stuff is going to fix a lot.
I have also taken my healthcare into my own hands and scheduled a follow up on my thyroid with a totally different health clinic. The physician assistant I saw for my physical was so horrible at following through with my care, and told me to wait 6 months before returning, and we would discuss my high blood pressure then, but I decided I don't want to spend all summer feeling drained and having headaches, so I am going to go see a doctor to make sure the physical body is humming along well while I work on the mental stuff. I deserve that. I cannot really plan to be more active when doing so makes me feel like a zombie.
I am also nearing the end of all my dental woes as well. After a 12 year hiatus I am finally getting caught up, and the wicked tooth that cost me so much money and required 4 different professionals do work on it, is finally going to get a beautiful, long lasting gold crown on it and insurance covers almost all of it so I am over the moon! One more visit and I am in maintenance mode. That is such a relief, it was a long time coming!
When the year was changing I got a really strong sense that something big and permanent was going to happen for me in 2018 and I still feel that I am on my way to permanent, good changes. I think I am ready to go into the dark places in my mind in to fight to get to the sunlight again. My will is strong and my heart is soft. I don't have a road map but I am going to share what I learn. I still have a couple days off to relax and enjoy not being at work. I am going to start these days with my mantra and that will hopefully start my day off on a positive, powerful note.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a nice shady spot waiting for me and a book out on the patio. The birds are already singing happily in my favorite tree as it sways ever so slightly with the warm summer breeze. Have a good rest of your week, friends!
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