Wading through it and AHA!
Last night, in all my angsty restlessness, I decided to start re-reading the latest Geneen Roth book.
When I first got the book, I devoured it and I remember being disappointed that it wasn't more about weight issues, which is what she is known for and which the majority of her books are based around. In reality, I think I wasn't in the right frame of mind when I first read it. I was waiting for something, a new answer to an old question. As I started reading it again last night I found myself getting choked up, even reading something like this :
"We don't know what we're feeding, but we know we want more. We're not sure what the sadness is about or why we feel inconsolable, but we're sure the solution is to take more, have more, eat more. As if the answer to everything that makes us uncomfortable is more. As if it's a choice between having more of what we don't want or nothing at all." (pg 15-16)
This time reading this book I found every page to have a gem of wisdom and I really drank it all in. In an area where she is talking about boundaries a sentence that really hit me was: "For power to be authentic, the obstacles to it must be named." (pg 57)
I was thinking about these things this morning as I was outside walking my dog. We live on a conservancy, chock full of all kinds of nature, winged, four-legged and green or flowering. Overcast days have a tendency to make me feel more open mentally, and mornings outside tend to make me pensive. I had a bit of an aha(!) moment this morning. Part of the reason I am feeling so stuck, restless, angsty, is because I am forever waiting for someone to answer the questions for me that only I can answer. No book is going to tell me how to fix my demons because they are so very specific to me. No book is going to tell me how to achieve my life/aging goals because again, they are specific to my background, my genetics, my will. Someone outside of me cannot tell me what my purpose in life should be, because how could anyone else know what will fulfill me but me? And the biggie, no one can tell me the ingredients that are going to make me produce joy. I'm that little girl waiting for her mom to do something for her that she doesn't understand she is capable of herself. Maybe that's the secret that has been eluding me all along. I have to figure these things out for myself. Books help, meditation helps, having a mentor would be fantastic, but in reality, I have to do the work. I have to decide what I want the rest of my life to look like and figure out what is preventing me from making that a reality. I knew I was right about my discovery because it immediately made me feel independently strong and smart and gave me a jolt of energy. I have to write my own self-help book to and for myself. My journey may be intertwined with people I adore and admire, but it's still my journey. That is the work I will continue to do. After having this realization I read this passage that sort of confirmed what I was thinking, "Why not make the effort to discover what enhances your aliveness and vitality? Because when you do, you become less and less fascinated with those foods, activities, and people that don't." And I would add, you gain the power to say no because you know it would detract from your vitality instead of add to it. So today, as my husband was taking care of something in the kitchen where I was toasting my morning bagel, I could sense a irritation in his mood and my normal reaction would be to be out of his way so as not to further annoy him, but today I claimed my space. I didn't move to appease him, I finished preparing my breakfast, made myself an iced coffee drink and ate my breakfast on the patio, enjoying the beauty of the unfolding day. A robin I have been befriending ( mainly by putting out raisins for it) came to happily nosh just feet away from me, and when I talked to it in a gentle voice it turned its head to listen and slowly closed it's eye as if it were enjoying the encounter as much as I was. My husband's mood eventually broke, and the morning was quite nice. I feel like something powerful has already begun to open up, knowing that I have all the tools I need already at my disposal.
I will leave you with one more beautiful passage that I know myself I will revisit many times as a reminder.
Modern dancer and choreographer Martha Graham wrote, "There is a vitality, a life force, and energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open." Since that uniqueness needs a vehicle of expression, and since the vehicle we've been given is our body, we do what we can to keep the channel open. When you stuff or starve it, your body shuts down. It cannot reveal its purpose or creativity or wisdom to you. (page 65)
At first blush, I can see how I originally thought about this book being 'not enough about weight loss' but in reality, this is the deep, nitty gritty stuff behind the weight issue that needs to be realized and dealt with in order to make food just food and not a drug.
So its Friday, go out and have yourself a terrific weekend!
"We don't know what we're feeding, but we know we want more. We're not sure what the sadness is about or why we feel inconsolable, but we're sure the solution is to take more, have more, eat more. As if the answer to everything that makes us uncomfortable is more. As if it's a choice between having more of what we don't want or nothing at all." (pg 15-16)
This time reading this book I found every page to have a gem of wisdom and I really drank it all in. In an area where she is talking about boundaries a sentence that really hit me was: "For power to be authentic, the obstacles to it must be named." (pg 57)
I was thinking about these things this morning as I was outside walking my dog. We live on a conservancy, chock full of all kinds of nature, winged, four-legged and green or flowering. Overcast days have a tendency to make me feel more open mentally, and mornings outside tend to make me pensive. I had a bit of an aha(!) moment this morning. Part of the reason I am feeling so stuck, restless, angsty, is because I am forever waiting for someone to answer the questions for me that only I can answer. No book is going to tell me how to fix my demons because they are so very specific to me. No book is going to tell me how to achieve my life/aging goals because again, they are specific to my background, my genetics, my will. Someone outside of me cannot tell me what my purpose in life should be, because how could anyone else know what will fulfill me but me? And the biggie, no one can tell me the ingredients that are going to make me produce joy. I'm that little girl waiting for her mom to do something for her that she doesn't understand she is capable of herself. Maybe that's the secret that has been eluding me all along. I have to figure these things out for myself. Books help, meditation helps, having a mentor would be fantastic, but in reality, I have to do the work. I have to decide what I want the rest of my life to look like and figure out what is preventing me from making that a reality. I knew I was right about my discovery because it immediately made me feel independently strong and smart and gave me a jolt of energy. I have to write my own self-help book to and for myself. My journey may be intertwined with people I adore and admire, but it's still my journey. That is the work I will continue to do. After having this realization I read this passage that sort of confirmed what I was thinking, "Why not make the effort to discover what enhances your aliveness and vitality? Because when you do, you become less and less fascinated with those foods, activities, and people that don't." And I would add, you gain the power to say no because you know it would detract from your vitality instead of add to it. So today, as my husband was taking care of something in the kitchen where I was toasting my morning bagel, I could sense a irritation in his mood and my normal reaction would be to be out of his way so as not to further annoy him, but today I claimed my space. I didn't move to appease him, I finished preparing my breakfast, made myself an iced coffee drink and ate my breakfast on the patio, enjoying the beauty of the unfolding day. A robin I have been befriending ( mainly by putting out raisins for it) came to happily nosh just feet away from me, and when I talked to it in a gentle voice it turned its head to listen and slowly closed it's eye as if it were enjoying the encounter as much as I was. My husband's mood eventually broke, and the morning was quite nice. I feel like something powerful has already begun to open up, knowing that I have all the tools I need already at my disposal.
I will leave you with one more beautiful passage that I know myself I will revisit many times as a reminder.
Modern dancer and choreographer Martha Graham wrote, "There is a vitality, a life force, and energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open." Since that uniqueness needs a vehicle of expression, and since the vehicle we've been given is our body, we do what we can to keep the channel open. When you stuff or starve it, your body shuts down. It cannot reveal its purpose or creativity or wisdom to you. (page 65)
At first blush, I can see how I originally thought about this book being 'not enough about weight loss' but in reality, this is the deep, nitty gritty stuff behind the weight issue that needs to be realized and dealt with in order to make food just food and not a drug.
So its Friday, go out and have yourself a terrific weekend!
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