Blue Pebbles
Once again, I have been feeling like there are a lot of thoughts I want to work through and process but I can't seem to find time or energy. I feel like there is always so much noise, figuratively and literally, blanketing me always, and the quiet moments where I can think things through are so few and far between. But I've been a little blue lately. Not hide-in-the-closet-hoping-no one-finds-me-blue but just a little less happy and peppy. Could be a multitude of things, weather and sunlight changes, the post-Halloween blues, the release of the build up to my exciting Georgia trip, my boss being grouchy, or maybe just that I haven't felt like I've had a lot of quiet time to think and things feel a little jammed up inside me.
I have caught myself feeling shameful, unworthy and less-than a lot lately. Geneen Roth refers to that kind of inner chatter as "the crazy aunt in the attic" and I don't think mine is as nice as an aunt. I think mine is kind of cutting and mean like my mother. I thought that I had a better handle on this but maybe a whole slew of things lately have made me have a lot more self-doubt and that always leads to beating myself up. I don't feel really attractive. I got my hair cut and it's somewhat cute but it's really short (short enough to spike in some spots) and I just don't feel as feminine with it. Yeah, it's just hair but it makes a huge difference in how I look overall, and then, naturally, affects how I feel about myself. That was my first red flag today. Then I always take my boss's grouchy mood as him being irritated with me personally, but today he finally expressed some of why he's been grouchy and it has nothing to do with me. My accepting responsibility for someone else's mood has been a learned response that I really need to put an end to. I have always been sensitive to others' moods, and many times that means I'm concerned anytime someone isn't happy that: 1. it's because of me, or 2: I need to somehow fix what's wrong with their life. So how much of my energy should I devote to doing that for someone else when it's a compromise for taking care of my own needs? I have been allowing too much of it to happen out of guilt or low self-esteem and that is like giving my power away.
And nothing makes me feel less attractive than feeling ashamed of myself in some manner, even if nothing ever called for me to feel that way.
But there's that attractiveness thing again, and this is what I noticed today. I am allowing the focus to shift from my health and feeling good toward wanting to look good, which, if we are being honest, all boils down to positive attention, right? Why am I seeking it so much right now? So many times I want to be invisible so I can be left alone to do the things I like doing without inconveniencing anyone, but now I just want to be "not-ugly." Un-ugly. I don't totally feel like I am ugly, but I do feel like I am not really losing weight anymore and it bothers me way more than I thought it would or should at this point. Which means I got off track somewhere. I was doing good measuring my blood pressure and focusing on things that would make my bloodwork come out better, hopefully stave off diabetes and high cholesterol and eventually get off blood pressure meds. Somewhere between my last doctor appointment in mid-Oct and now, that focus shifted. I felt a lot happier when my health was the focus; leaving my feelings of self-worth up to how I think I look is a recipe for disaster because I am always so critical of everything about me. I need to find my way back to self-loving and leave all that superficial appearence-based garbage behind me. Sure, everyone wants to feel like they at least look presentable, but I have been putting too much emphasis on trying to compare myself to everyone else, even old photos of myself, and I am really just making myself feel bad. So there is still a lot of garbage I need to fix. It's funny, I feel such a great source of pride when researching my family lineage, but I somehow forget that I am a part of that lineage. The royalty, the witches, the common men and beautiful women, immigrants who turned nothing into a pleasant living via hard work...I am them and they are me. It helps to remember who I came from but I also have to address the other stuff and throw out all the ridiculous rulers I've been trying to measure myself against out of habit. I did find myself measuring myself up to my cousins over the weekend, and I feel like at least one (but maybe more) of them didn't/doesn't like me, we rub each other the wrong way. To be fair, the one in question is really hard to get along with, and this I already knew from several people, there was something dark in her past that she has not moved past and she is not very mature about how she deals with it. We made nice, just like we do on Facebook, but I can tell she doesn't really like and accept me like her sibblings. Then again, why should people pretend? I'm on the fence about that. Anyway, that is part of it, I'm sure, but all I can do is keep contact with the ones who I did feel a connection with. The other one(s) are going through their own battles that are not my business and I will be gracious to them but not at my own expense. Blah blah blah. I feel blue today. I don't like the shirt I'm wearing, but whenever I look at myself in the mirror it really looks fine. My hair does too. My crazy aunt in the attic must be singing loud today, that's all. I hope I can mute her soon so I can get back to my happier self. Had sweets today, not proud of it, didn't help my mood or make my garbage in my mind go away. Tonight I am planning some self-pampering with a hot bubble bath and mud-mask facial with candles and maybe a good long meditation session to express gratitude for all the great things I have in my life. I think it could lift my spirits.
Sorry to be such a downer today, I guess that's the ebb and flow of life. It won't last so I know it's not a big deal in the longrun; just a pebble in my path.
I have caught myself feeling shameful, unworthy and less-than a lot lately. Geneen Roth refers to that kind of inner chatter as "the crazy aunt in the attic" and I don't think mine is as nice as an aunt. I think mine is kind of cutting and mean like my mother. I thought that I had a better handle on this but maybe a whole slew of things lately have made me have a lot more self-doubt and that always leads to beating myself up. I don't feel really attractive. I got my hair cut and it's somewhat cute but it's really short (short enough to spike in some spots) and I just don't feel as feminine with it. Yeah, it's just hair but it makes a huge difference in how I look overall, and then, naturally, affects how I feel about myself. That was my first red flag today. Then I always take my boss's grouchy mood as him being irritated with me personally, but today he finally expressed some of why he's been grouchy and it has nothing to do with me. My accepting responsibility for someone else's mood has been a learned response that I really need to put an end to. I have always been sensitive to others' moods, and many times that means I'm concerned anytime someone isn't happy that: 1. it's because of me, or 2: I need to somehow fix what's wrong with their life. So how much of my energy should I devote to doing that for someone else when it's a compromise for taking care of my own needs? I have been allowing too much of it to happen out of guilt or low self-esteem and that is like giving my power away.
And nothing makes me feel less attractive than feeling ashamed of myself in some manner, even if nothing ever called for me to feel that way.
But there's that attractiveness thing again, and this is what I noticed today. I am allowing the focus to shift from my health and feeling good toward wanting to look good, which, if we are being honest, all boils down to positive attention, right? Why am I seeking it so much right now? So many times I want to be invisible so I can be left alone to do the things I like doing without inconveniencing anyone, but now I just want to be "not-ugly." Un-ugly. I don't totally feel like I am ugly, but I do feel like I am not really losing weight anymore and it bothers me way more than I thought it would or should at this point. Which means I got off track somewhere. I was doing good measuring my blood pressure and focusing on things that would make my bloodwork come out better, hopefully stave off diabetes and high cholesterol and eventually get off blood pressure meds. Somewhere between my last doctor appointment in mid-Oct and now, that focus shifted. I felt a lot happier when my health was the focus; leaving my feelings of self-worth up to how I think I look is a recipe for disaster because I am always so critical of everything about me. I need to find my way back to self-loving and leave all that superficial appearence-based garbage behind me. Sure, everyone wants to feel like they at least look presentable, but I have been putting too much emphasis on trying to compare myself to everyone else, even old photos of myself, and I am really just making myself feel bad. So there is still a lot of garbage I need to fix. It's funny, I feel such a great source of pride when researching my family lineage, but I somehow forget that I am a part of that lineage. The royalty, the witches, the common men and beautiful women, immigrants who turned nothing into a pleasant living via hard work...I am them and they are me. It helps to remember who I came from but I also have to address the other stuff and throw out all the ridiculous rulers I've been trying to measure myself against out of habit. I did find myself measuring myself up to my cousins over the weekend, and I feel like at least one (but maybe more) of them didn't/doesn't like me, we rub each other the wrong way. To be fair, the one in question is really hard to get along with, and this I already knew from several people, there was something dark in her past that she has not moved past and she is not very mature about how she deals with it. We made nice, just like we do on Facebook, but I can tell she doesn't really like and accept me like her sibblings. Then again, why should people pretend? I'm on the fence about that. Anyway, that is part of it, I'm sure, but all I can do is keep contact with the ones who I did feel a connection with. The other one(s) are going through their own battles that are not my business and I will be gracious to them but not at my own expense. Blah blah blah. I feel blue today. I don't like the shirt I'm wearing, but whenever I look at myself in the mirror it really looks fine. My hair does too. My crazy aunt in the attic must be singing loud today, that's all. I hope I can mute her soon so I can get back to my happier self. Had sweets today, not proud of it, didn't help my mood or make my garbage in my mind go away. Tonight I am planning some self-pampering with a hot bubble bath and mud-mask facial with candles and maybe a good long meditation session to express gratitude for all the great things I have in my life. I think it could lift my spirits.
Sorry to be such a downer today, I guess that's the ebb and flow of life. It won't last so I know it's not a big deal in the longrun; just a pebble in my path.
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