Week Off has me “Off”

This week I am off work, which should have me calm, relaxed and on my way to total rejuvenation.  Except it doesn’t.  What’s that saying about idle hands?  This always happens to me when I have time off, whether it is a few hours or a whole week, I plan to conquer everything I, my family and my house have ever needed in the history of existence and then I get stressed out that no matter how great I try to manage my time, I am not superhuman.  Then my mood sinks and time goes fast and before I know it I am heading back to work for more of the monotony.  Why can’t I just revel in the moment of having extra time to myself to do whatever I want?  Probably because I spend so much time thinking about the future, which if you didn’t know, is a characteristic of someone who has anxiety!  I  actually don’t feel anxious about anything in particular but this week I am ultra aware of how quickly time passes and I don’t feel like I’ve spent much time just relaxing, my down time has been spent planning what else I can complete and when.  Packages to send, ancestors to hunt, furniture to fix, cupboards and closets to clean and organize and oh so many letters to write, not to mention working on the application for getting my church on the historic register.  No wonder I’m a little frazzled!  I have already put in some really dirty work, cleaning out the bird feeder, unclogging a bathroom drain, and cleaning out the vacuum to name a few.
In my mind, I was going to use the time to get some thinking done about what I’m doing and where I’m going and figure out what stuff will get me there.  I haven’t really taken any quiet time to reflect until today, and at that there were a million interruptions, social media notifications, friends and family messaging and my dog and kids needing this and that.  When I finally sank into a bath I found a little peace and realized that sometimes I need to make myself be unavailable if I’m going to have sanity.  Turn my phone all the way off, no vibrations pleading for my attention, no information blasting at me and me not expending my own energy entertaining, soothing, giving advice, encouraging or even helping others with their genealogy research.  Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy all of that to a point, but so many times I answer a message when I just want to relax or yesterday I was chasing down information for someone in a genealogy group on Facebook whom I’ve never met and an hour or so into it I thought to myself, I should be relaxing and enjoying this time before bed instead of getting frustrated trying to track someone else’s family!  I have to learn to say no more.  It’s not something I’ve ever been good at, but then I get to that point where I feel like I will lash out if one more person needs one more thing from me.  It’s not everyone rlse’s fault, I just don’t notice what I’m doing until I’m already frustrated.
I haven’t been saying no to myself lately either. I have been eating poorly this week and tonight as I sat in the bath, recalling the week I realized that I have not been keeping up with basic self-care either.  I have pretty much been living in my lounge clothes, my hair a dirty mess.  Yesterday morning as I was waking my kids for school the fire alarm went off in our building.  The neighbor’s clothes dryer started on fire.  With the alarm blasting we quickly dressed, got the dog and rushed out to the frigid cold.  I stood there in unmatched clothes with inappropriate shoes, so grateful that we all had the hustle to get out and we were safe.  The fire was put out before any damage occurred so we were able to get back in after an hour or so, and I spent the day so shaken that finally I went out to get a frozen pizza and some ice cream to help my nerves settle.  It was nearly five hours of feeling shaky before that comfort food finally settled my nerves.  Even though I’ve been eating junk all week, that over-indulgent food made me feel guilty and the all the negative self-talk started creeping in. I noticed that that negative stuff does two things to me, makes me want to eat and makes me want to shop.  Both are counterproductive in the long run because I’m doing neither out of necessity, but in hopes of numbing myself from the icky emotions.  So not helpful, but how to stop?  The only way is through bringing my attention to it as it’s happening, to try and pinpoint what emotions are being triggered and why it is I believe I can’t handle them.  That’s a tall order, but I think it’s going to be one of the only ways I’m going to be able to conquer my use of food as a drug, to be hyper-aware of why I’m eating.  I may even keep a journal to track.
My husband is away right now too.  Me being such a worrier, I get edgy when he’s not home.  I have been utilizing tools that I’ve acquired over the past couple years to help me, but there is still that sort of empty feeling when he’s gone.  He’ll be back Sunday night and I know that time will go fast, so I know I’ll be fine and he’ll get home safely and things will go back to normal, I just let my mind get in the way too often.
I did take some time to meditate today and it felt amazing!  I know I need to be doing that more often.  Tomorrow I will meditate again and maybe do some yoga/stretching.  I will eat better as I plan my food for my return to work next week.  I may try to get some strength training or stationary bike in, to see how it affects my mood.  Or I may do none of that if I don’t feel like it because my life isn’t for someone else, not for the people at the other end of the Messenger message or the peopwhp judge me as I do my grocery shopping or my customers at work or even for bragging rights on this blog.  Even though I love some of them, my life is for this person who stares back at me in the mirror every day and decides if I am worthy of taking what I need and leaving what I don’t.  Right now I need to turn off my “my-vacation-isn’t-as-blissful-as-I-imagined-it-would-be” brain and just live in the moment, feet up, a glass of my favorite wine at my side and a sweet dog snuggled up beside me.  Life is good when I get out of my own way and let it be!

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