Seeking Peace

I think part of my blue mood was hormonal.  I have been in a bit of a funk, and I did eat more junk during that time, but it was not in binge-style like it would have been in the past.  An extra, unneccesary treat with my lunch, as if I was looking to be more than satisfied but full.  Even though I was mentally exhausted on Tuesday, my husband and I went out on the blustery night to go vote and then I went home and had a couple beers and watched the results roll in and started to feel better. 
I have noticed that I tend to get frustrated when I have more on my plate than I want, especially this time of year when it gets dark so early and I feel like I am constantly running around in the dark when I want to be home, cozy by the fire.  Life is just that way, not enough time to do things I want to do because I'm so busy doing things I need to do. The alternative is to have lots of time and not know what I want to do with it.  I have that happen too, on the few precious days off when the kids are at school, it takes me half the morning of lounging around to figure out if I want to leave the house, and if so, what I will spend my time doing.  Go figure!  We always want something other than what we have.
I have been reflecting upon my recent mood some and I think I can say, it's not really a restlessness, there is an element of that for me when things are the same for so long, but I think this is more like a feeling of being unfulfilled on so many levels.  So I have started thinking about what it is I am seeking and I think a calmness, an internal peace, a feeling of contentment.  I know that I can find all of that if I keep my focus on it.  I have been thinking about things that make me feel good physically and mentally and I will be doing some of these things every day.  Last night, when I was getting bored doing the same old Facebook cruising, I decided that I was going to finally take the inititive to learn German.  I spent about a half hour doing that and it was really enjoyable; I would say it helped to change my mood.  Maybe I am letting the 'shoulds' that I pretend are kept at bay creep into the crevices of my mind.  I have been saying I am going to learn German for so long but I have never been consistent about doing it and it has made me feel like a total slacker!  Anyway, it isn't a must, but it's something I can do for myself, and to honor my family heritage, and enveloping myself in my family's history and heritage does indeed make me feel fulfilled and proud. 
I also started tracking my food through my Fitbit.  I was wondering what my ratio's of fats/proteins/ and carbs are because I keep getting tempted by the Keto diet, but I really do always change my mind because it seems so restrictive.  I'm still fency about it.  Last night I happened to eat loaded nachos for dinner, but I only had a salad plate worth and I skipped a bedtime snack.  I honestly had no idea what kind of calorie intake I was having.  With those nachos it turned out to be somewhere around 1,800 calories.  I tried to put every little condiment and topping on the list so it is accurate.  I was a little surprised it was that many calories, but that includes two snacks of "nutrition bars" plus eating the chips in the nachos instead of the taco salad I was supposed to be having for dinner this week.  Still, my doctor originally wanted me to be on a 1,400 calorie a day diet.  I think I would starve.  That sounds like such a small amount.  Maybe it's just time to reassess where those calories are coming from.  I get it that the point is, if you eat more veggies they are low calorie so you can eat so much of them that you can be full. That takes a lot more thought and planning for me.  I have never been one to track calories, it feels so laborious to me, but I do feel like keeping a food log helps me to be more focused on what I'm eating in a good way.  I will keep tracking food for a bit out of interest, and experiment to see what a 1,400 calorie day would look like.  Whatever it ends up being, it has to be sustainable for me.  So therein lies one of my many challenges, but redirecting my focus on it is helping me be a little more motivated to eat better than I have in the past week.  I felt myself slipping and not caring and luckily I now know something that helps pull me back when that starts happening, bringing the focus back to the food in an inquisitive and experimental (or challenge-based) manner.  I feel better mentally and I know if I get things back in a groove it'll be easy again. 
One last thought I will leave you with.  As I was packing my stuff for work today, I was going to take a book out of my bag because I haven't commited to reading during my lunch.  The book is "Stillness Speaks" by Eckhart Tolle.  I flipped to a random page and was surprised how much it spoke to me, since I haven't gotten past the first few pages of the book, but it's a topic that I really struggle with, finding negativity in any given situation, something I learned from my mother for sure.  I don't like that part of me and I really think that working on it and stopping the habit of it will bring me much closer to that peace and contentment that I have been seeking.
"Stillness Speaks" by Eckhart Tolle

"Stillness Speaks" by Eckhart Tolle


Popular Posts