Goal Acheived

Sometimes I wonder why I bother blogging; I don't really have that much new to say, I'm not on some crazy diet, losing tons of weight and working out hardcore to see the results I think I want.  And I admit that I often have trouble collecting all the thoughts that are constantly fluttering around my brain to pin them down to a post that someone finds value in trading off their free time to read.  Still, there is a therapeutic value to me in writing down these thoughts, and even more so in re-reading them when I am struggling.  But maybe, all of these little moments of not saying much really end up meaning the most.  The meat of life is all this stuff in between the bookends. 
My weight has remained at 185.  I only weighed myself today because I look thinner, my stomach roll is flatter and smaller than I remember it being in some time.  I put on one of my favorite skirts that I haven't worn since fall, and it is slipping down enough to really annoy me today.  That confuses me because I haven't been killing myself or depriving myself, I have been consistent with moderation and mostly eating stuff that isn't horrible for myself.  That's kind of what I have been doing since mid-July and I have stayed right around 185 (which is a 15 pound loss).  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself a couple weeks ago, calling it a plateau.  But on the bright side, I feel better mentally and physically AND emotionally, which might be the absolute best gift this latest journey has provided.  All the things I thought being skinny could give me are actually coming to me while I'm still far from skinny.  I feel like I can breathe freely without the burden of self-shaming and self-digust.  I am not spending countless hours dreaming about what food I should eat next time I'm alone with no one to judge, or daydreaming about a less-sucky world that includes a skinnier version of me who has everything she ever wanted.  I don't stress out when I am PMS-craving sweets or fats, I listen to my body and have a little bit of something and then move on. The compulsive eating is nearly a thing of the past, and when it does creep up, I feel like I have more control over it and can even stop myself from carrying through a straight up binge.  I am doing this by being more aware, not of the food, but of my behaviors around food and how they relate to my emotions and beliefs about myself.   It took me a while to learn how to do this, and I'm still not a pro, but it's getting a little easier the more I do it. 
For example, this afternoon I had a protein bar planned for me afternoon snack.  There is a brand that I love and I forgot to get them at the grocery store last weekend, so I bought some Special K bars as a substitute.  This morning as I was digging in my bag for something I came across one of those favorite bars and excitedly planned to have that today instead of a Special K bar.  But when it came time to eat that snack, I was distracted and ate a Special K bar.  They are still really tastey with tart little berries in them, but it crossed my mind to eat the favorite bar too, because I felt disappointed that I forgot about it.  I made sure to busy myself with work because I knew it could have easily been a trigger and dwelling on it would make it hard for me to resist, even though I was no longer hungry after eating the first bar.  So first realizing that it was triggering me (I didn't get what I really wanted) and making a plan of what to do instead of eating (starting a project) were the keys to my successfully avoiding extra calories I didn't need. It wasn't a true craving for a specific thing, created in and of it's own nature, it was a situational craving.  My mind was craving it, not my body.  I am starting to learn the difference.  My body actually has very few physical cravings unless I am under hormonal fluctuations or have gone too long in between meals.  The rest of my cravings are emotional. 
So with all of that knowledge behind me, I am feeling just fine about 185 pounds.  I feel so good that 185 might as well have been my goal weight.  Maybe all the little deceptions about how magical losing weight would make my life have fallen away and what I'm left with is pure contentment.  I could be 300 pounds or 120, I feel good because my mind is getting healthier.  I know from past experience, losing weight didn't give me that gift; if it had, I probably never would have regained weight.  Part of my journey and learning was getting to a more normal weight and realizing that I was still unhappy and still had all the same demons chasing me around...it made me feel like I was chasing the wind; and that I had to work so hard to get to 150 pounds and being there didn't fix my internal wars, and I knew it would be so so hard to keep fighting to maintain or lose more, the battle wasn't making me happy like I expected it to.  So I went the other direction, almost as if by nature.  If I hadn't, I never would have taken my current journey, which has taught me so much about myself and rewarded me with so much more inner peace.  So maybe today I should do a happy dance for getting to a goal I didn't know I set for myself.  Now that's something to celebrate!


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