Where I Want to be

Yesterday was my reluctant restart.  It's always hard giving up the perceived freedom that being on autopilot affords me.  Even mindful eating has rules.  I am sometimes really good with rules and structure but other times it just makes me want to rebel.  

I did OK with day 1.  The toughest part was dinner. I usually come home from work and want a warm, cheese-covered bean burrito or a turkey sandwich.  Phase one of South Beach is pretty much keto so all that carby starchy stuff I would normally eat is out the window.  Dinner is my hardest meal to plan since we don't do a formal meal, everyone eats at different times and spending time to start cooking a meal at 6PM just doesn't sound good.  Nor does waiting until 7PM to eat dinner.  So my dinner this week is a salad with canned chicken breast, quick and pretty darn tasty.  

I didn't have cravings but I thought about food a lot.  I found myself ruminating on what I couldn't have and that made me feel bad.  When I took time to think about what I was doing two thoughts came to mind: 1, that I was self-sabotaging as a means to get myself to give up and give in and eat whatever I want again.   I know the results that would bring and it's not where I want to go right now.  2, maybe this reaction stems from bad coping skills.  When I was young, I think I whined a lot.  It got me negative attention from a mother who I perceived as being very detached and self-absorbed.  I didn't learn about bipolar disorder until later in life, and my mom thinks of any kind of mental health issue as a sign that you aren't being tough enough, so she has never been formally diagnosed but as someone who has formal education in diagnosing mental health issues I am pretty sure that is what she has.  Anyway, feeling victimized got me attention, albeit negative, and I wonder if I'm continuing this ineffective coping skill because I am feeling even the slightest bit of discomfort or inconvenience.  I didn't give into those voices that wanted me to rebel.  I know that as the water weight drops and my body starts to feel better, I will have a more positive mindset.  I am also very aware of the tricky workings of the reward center in the brain and how it keeps me wanting more carbs and junk even when I'm not hungry. 

I forgot to weigh yesterday but did this morning.  I can't imagine the number would have been that much different yesterday.  This morning I weigh 187.8 pounds.  March 15 was the last time I weighed before this and I was 185 so I'm happy my gain isn't more than it is. This area between 185-195 is where I have ended up time and 5time again in my life.  I'd really like to reset that holding spot at a much lower number.  

I did zumba yesterday and I couldn't believe how much more alert and focused I felt all day.  I slept really good too.  This morning I opted for a 35 minute yoga session because I am feeling so stiff and old.  It felt really great to stretch and get the blood flowing to all the areas I've neglected over the past couple months.  I don't feel as alert with the yoga as I did with the zumba but I can see the advantage of both.  

To be honest, I am doing OK with this so far.  I know my biggest challenges will be keeping the food interesting enough and not going off the rails on the weekends, especially when we eat out. These are all areas I have had to overcome before and I know I can do it again.  

I didn't start this with passion and drive for results, which made me wonder if I would be able to get it off the ground, but I think quieting the sugar voices will be a positive first step to healing so much in me and it will just build positive next steps.  One of my motivating things will be to focus on how bad I felt last weekend after nonstop noshing on junk, ( fats, sugars and salts) and realizing that feeling that way isn't where I want to be!