Allowance of Joy

I felt really "stuck" again over the weekend, down for no real reason other than getting trapped in my head between the same extremes of thought as I have been since I went on my first diet 30-some years ago.  

    I need to buckle down and kick booty

     Why would I continue doing things that aren't working?  Why do I keep buying salad greens and cherry tomatoes only to throw them away a week later, barely touched?  Why does this have to be such a struggle?  Why am I so lazy and soft on myself?  Because I'm damaged from my childhood that's why!  What are the exact things that make me react?  How many calories should I be eating?  Are carbs/dairy/fruits/fats really bad for me?  Is my gut making me fat?  Why can't I stick to anything if this is all I ever think about?  Why can my husband eat whatever he wants and he's so lean and fit even if he hasn't been to the gym in months?  I wish I knew what that felt like (the lean and fit part) for just one day!  

I am tired.  I am so very tired of all of it.  I'm sick of doubting every bit of information and every bit of food I put in my mouth.  I am sick of thinking about what this article and that speaker said about this food and that food and micro and macro nutrients.  I'm sick of thinking so much and coming up with no good answers and remaining stuck in the same old spot as I have been for decades.  I totally get Geneen Roth when she said she just got sick of the whole damn thing (she was suicidal from all this, I am not) and she just gave up dieting for good.  I get it.  I tried to let go of the rules and roll with her plan but I never truly committed to it.  Now even she is jumping on the low-carb bandwagon and it feels a bit like a betrayal.  

Because I have been feeling so burnt out on so many things lately, I decided to meditate again.  I did it yesterday and didn't get any great wisdom from it but it did make me feel more calm.  Then I did a tarot card reading that basically told me I am in the midst of change, I need to be strong and courageous and I should not overlook details, particularly ones that concern finances.  I took that to relate to my change of career that I am in about to jump into.  The classes are not cheap and I just haven't taken the leap to enroll yet.  Maybe there's good reason to wait. I will do a little more research before I sign up. 

Today I meditated again and it was really profound.  An ancestor came through for me and the biggest message was that I am allowed to be happy but I have to spend less time in my head, attached to negative memories and focus on the present.  That was an aha moment for me.  My mom, I am convinced was untreated bipolar, so there were times when I was happy about something and she would crush me, either because she was in a bad mood and was annoyed by my joy, or maybe I was being too loud for her or maybe seeing someone else happy reminded her how not happy she was, or maybe she was trying to protect me for that inevitable shift that life seems to make from a high to a low. Whatever the case, there was plenty of times when I had to conceal my happiness until I was with my bestie, away from home or on the phone with my door closed.  Thinking back on this now, I am really careful to share my joy and only do so when I am sure whoever I'm talking to isn't having a bad day or going through something bad.  I don't want to rub my happiness in other people's face.  I never really thought about it until the meditation today.  I temper my joy in order to not feel like I'm "too much".  And the other half about getting out of my head is so on point too.  I was actually just thinking about this on Friday.  I had been at the beach in the morning, searching for beach glass, so a lot of looking down and moving rocks around to try and uncover pieces of colorful history.  I stayed so long my entire body ached.  Then later I went to some more beaches with my husband and son and I found myself habitually looking down at the rocks trying to find more treasure.  I have always been a treasure hunter.  But for a minute I looked up at the water, waves gently licking the shore, seagulls gliding above on an absolutely gorgeous day.  I realized that I was so busy seeking that I didn't take in the moment.  Seeking was making me tired and reactivating already-sore muscles and just being in the moment was calming and made me feel happy.  I spend so much time seeking in life, and it does keep me from realizing all the things I'm happy about.  It was good to make that connection when I got that message in my meditation today and it solidified a need for more mindful moments in my day.  

The other thing I saw today that really resonated with me is a meme that said ' When you complain, you make yourself the victim'  and I thought about how, if you are a victim you are believing you are powerless against what is being done to you.  I complain A LOT in life.  I don't like it but it is something I have done for as long as I can remember and it takes great conscious effort to not do it.  I would like to make more of an effort to complain less.  I am not a victim, I have choices.  I may not like the options but I do have choices.  

Right now I am trying to be kind to myself.  I am not hyper-focused on what I should and should not eat, though my planned meals are low-carb for the most part, but I also built in one higher-carb bean burrito into the plans because I knew if I got salad greens again it would be another small fortune I'd be throwing out barely used.  I need nurturing not rules that make me feel inhuman if I don't follow them to a T. I'm not weighing, measuring, tracking, or restricting right now, I am getting through these times by trusting myself to know what I need.  I will take this time to get messages from the universe instead of being so focused internally on the past and the future.  My assumptions and emotional recollections are rarely ever healing even if I bring them to the forefront of my mind.  I need to find a better path forward that affords me self-kindness and love and the allowance of joy!