Cookie Dough Therapy

Today was a day where my food journal (if I were keeping one) would include bagels, cookie dough, mac and cheese and Indian food.  That's where I am at.  I am not handling my workplace burnout well at all and all I want is comfort and even though I know it doesn't hide in food, I still have myself convinced that it does.  

I don't feel good physically but don't have the mental energy to focus on all the things I know I should change. 

I am reaching a point where I believe I would like to fire my primary care physician.  I have gone to her for help twice now and she brushed me off onto someone else.  Once when I wanted to know if she thought it would be OK to take St. John's wart for irritability and SAD and she told me to ask my pharmacist.  Then now when the optometrist wants me to have bloodwork done to find out why I had a hemorrhage by my optic nerve and she said to just have him order the bloodwork he thinks I should have.  Hmmm, that's not his job. He doesn't work at a health clinic and have an MD after his name, you do.  So frustrating!  I spoke with the optometrist yesterday and he said to just come back in a few weeks and they will take another look and if there's anything else going on in there I can insist on bloodwork.  Since my blood pressure is normal and glaucoma has been ruled out, he seems not terribly concerned so that put my mind at ease. To not have to pull teeth to get my doctor to do something for me is one thing I can take off my stressed out mind.  

Yesterday was a day where my mind was at wars with me about sweets.  I wasn't physically hungry but the thought of indulging in sweets sounded good.  We have some premium chocolate bars in an upstairs break room for a fundraiser, and my mind was sitting heavy on the idea of them all afternoon yesterday.  I have to walk past that room when I leave on certain nights, so as I was walking up the stairs to deposit my book work I went over it in my head, telling myself that chocolate wouldn't stop my stress and would probably make my stomach feel bad.  Then there was that inner voice that is thinking its helping me cope that says, 'if I can just get past this hurdle I'll get this all figured out someday!"  The problem with that is, procrastinating working on it is really just avoidance; another promise I make to myself with no immediate plans to fulfill it. And it sends a message to myself that I'm not strong enough to get through tough stuff without a self-destructive crutch.  Its ruining my health and shortening my life.  

I passed up the chocolate and felt really good about myself but after dinner that craving for sweets was persistent.  Yes, its 'midway point's for me so I have intense cravings for sweets for a few days, then it subsides for a week before returning just before Aunt Flow's lovely visit. If I am going to ever get in a good place with food I have to figure out how to curb these cravings or rewire my brain to stop giving into them. Sweets absolutely sap my energy level and give me a full headache.  

I honestly don't know what my next step will be.  I have a whole, glorious week off next week and I may spend a good amount of time reading and researching my path.  This work stress I am feeling won't be the biggest challenge I ever encounter in life, but it gives me good practice for when the big big stuff does come. If I am not strong enough to get through this now what hope do I have for the biggest stuff?  Will I eat myself to death?  I am so simultaneously sick of thinking/talking about it yet I know I need to heal myself on so many levels because life is so very tough and the years ahead are not going to be kind if I don't fix some things now.  I have worked hard my whole life, I want to be able to enjoy life once I retire (20 years away but whose counting? Lol). 

So there's my broken record.  I know what I want, I am just hung up on the past and the stress of the present to move toward the goal.  I guess I can join millions of others in the same boat, but I sure wish it were easier for all of us to overcome this!