Defining my Future

I have been doing keto for 10 months now and sometimes I just feel like a fraud. I don't see a lot of people doing keto part time like I seem to be doing lately. I do just fine Monday-Friday afternoon then there are varying degrees of non-keto foods that take place most of the weekend. At best I can say I sometimes have clean Sundays, but not very frequently these days. Sometimes I agree to go out to eat just to appease my husband and then I feel bloated and terrible and scold myself for not making better choices. Some of the mental barriers I have to eating better are, if I'm paying a fair amount of money for a meal, it somehow feels wrong to have that be a salad, which I could buy and prepare myself for less. And if I don't have a salad, I can have a piece of meat on a plate that I've paid $12 for because I am not eating the bun and there are no low carb sides to choose from. To be honest, the appeal of eating out is fading for me. My husband and I have talked about going out to eat less but still haven't slowed down. I shudder to think about what we are spending on eating out, on top of the steeper grocery bill too. We usually slow down in fall and don't go out much in winter so I think that'll be good. I am really holding myself back from success from all this eating out. I also think I can start eating a small snack before going out, that way if I just have something like a bunless burger I won't feel so gyped. Last week I weighed myself and the scale showed 196.2. When I started this nearly a year ago I was 206. I could feel really down that it isn't a lower number after this much time, but I generally feel better than I did before. I don't crave sugar anymore and when I do eat something sweet I get overpowered with the sweetness very easily now. I don't have nearly as many moments where the desire to binge is driving me mad. I have noticed how much worse I feel when I do eat carbs especially bloating, which must have been my daily normal before, now that I don't eat that way as often I really notice bloat when I do. I follow some keto YouTube channels and have found that I enjoy learning more about it; I somehow feel like I belong to "the club". I can't feel bad for all that I have gained by doing keto even if I haven't had a massive loss. On one of the keto pages I follow on Facebook someone posted all stressed out that they had a pre-planned function with a fancy dinner and they ate some carbs so as not to be rude to the host who paid for the meal. She sounded almost in tears for her "food sins" and asked of that meal would undo her 12 pound weightloss she had from doing keto the past few weeks. I said, "If you pour a cup of salt into a swimming pool, do you think you would notice it? What you consistently do matters more than one meal." I got some likes and people saying they like the analogy and felt all good about myself for a bit, but the more I thought about what I said the more I realized that my weekends of bad habits are like dumping gallons of salt in the swimming pool. I know if I want better results I have to stop doing things that keep me from achieving them. I have known this for the better part of this journey, I just expected keto to be some magic bullet that would make the weight fall off me but now that I'm edging closer to menopause, it's not that simple. Luckily the food is great and other than sometimes getting stuck in a rut with meal ideas, it's easy to stick to. As I have said, my local restaurants are mostly bars that serve food, so the choices are bar food (burgers, fried things, pizza, breaded and deep fried fish) so eating clean while eating out is somewhat challenging but not impossible, I've just not been challenging myself to do better. We have a new restaurant that's supposed to be opening up thus fall so I am hoping they have some healthier options. I got myself a personal waffle maker to make Chaffles (low carb waffles:1 egg, 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella and a tablespoon of almond flour). There are many ways to make them and they are a versatile base for meals dependingon how you top them. It has reinvigorated me to be more creative with my cooking. I am also toying with the idea of getting an air fryer. My husband just found out today that he has COVID. He was sick with it last year at this time too. Someone at his work had it and now several people are out sick. I feel OK so far, my throat is a little irritated but I have some acid reflux and post-nasal drip going on so I'm hoping it's just that. Last year my husband was the only one who got sick. He was also the only one in our house who has never been vaccinated. I pray the vaccines continue working for my sons and me. With me working from home, it's not a big deal with having to stay away from others, I just worry that I can fight it as well as my younger and fitter husband. Time will tell. If he the only one who has it again this time I'm going to nag him to get vaccinated. I am not a nag in general but for a guy who never gets sick, seeing him laid out and miserable is hard to watch. There's other happier things, my son finally got a job, YaY, and yesterday I bought and replaced the battery in his car all by myself because he was at work and my husband is sick. I have never done it before but and wasn't sure if I could manage it. I'm only 5 feet tall and lifting that heavy battery out an SUV was not without its challenges, but I'm the end, I was driven to help him get his vehicle running because I'm so proud of him for conquering his fears and overcoming the challenges he has faced in life and at work, and persevering. I am really proud that I could do that by myself. It also gives me peace of mind that he won't be having to walk home in the dark. Life is full of these small victories, surprising yourself with what you can do when you are determined, and being creative. Dieting is just a part of that beautiful paradigm.