Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Behaving Badly

Sometimes I go for days tongue-tied or brain-tied, overwhelmed by my underwhelming life, and feeling like I have nothing to say or simply can't put words to what I am feeling.  It's frustrating not being able to write, even moreso not being able to think clearly. 
I feel like I am in a general state of being "unwell" but can't pinpoint anything in particular that is wrong.  My knee is still not back to normal, it does feel like it is healing somewhat, it is less painful but still pops constantly.  I have not been doing any cardio because of it.  Moreover, I allowed myself to slip into the mindless thinking that since I'm not getting any exercise, I might as well not worry about my diet either until I can get it all in order.  Bah!
I know part of the reason I feel so blah right now is because I am not taking care of myself.  There are times when I feel the way I did before I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and high cholesterol, weak and shakey and worn out.  It scares me to think of the cause, and I am so aware of it that it has become the dark cloud following me around. 
Up until this morning, I was seriously thinking about not going to the 5K.  Partly because I was pouting about not being able to run it, and partly because my knee is still legitimately messed up, and I would be wise to just let it heal properly, rather than risk a regression by overuse again.  But then I began thinking about my dear friend who passed too soon, and I know that she would be telling me, "Aw, you gotta do it!  You've worked so hard for this, Babe!"  and I know that I have to do it for her.  I am capable.  I may not be able to run it, but I can take it on and finish, and I will think of her the whole time.  And furthermore, thoughts of her made me realize that the 5K isn't the only race I need to finish.  My health is deteriorating in front of me, I feel it on a cellular level and I see it in my growing belly.  I need to change things up, take action instead of simply talking about how I need to do it.  I have been waiting for some spark to ignite itself on my behalf, and it isn't.  Woe is me.  My knee is behaving badly, so I have an excuse to be lazy and uncommited.
Over the weekend, my husband had a photo shoot on the west coast, and while driving home from the airport in the middle of the night, he hit a deer.  Luckily, he was unharmed and was able to drive is car the rest of the way home.  But it really had me thinking about what I would do without him, and how it would effect my children to grow up without their dad.  To them, he is so fit and muscular that they think he is invincible, and I tend to look at him that way too.  But when I looked at the other side of it, and thought about how they would fair without their mother, I felt really guilty and sad.  I know I haven't been taking care of my health as though I care about myself, and that is truly selfish and lazy of me. 
Because I work in a health clinic, I encounter a lot of people who are sick, some who are terminal, and it is easy to become too accustomed to helping people without thinking about their struggles.  But a few days ago, I met a woman a few years older than me, battling cancer.  She was self-conscious about her wig and weight gain, and wanted some glasses that made her feel good about herself again.  She had lost her voice and her hair from the chemo, but there was still a sparkle in her eye.  After working together for a while, I was aware of her glow.  And when she finally felt comfortable enough, she removed her wig to reveal short, spunky peppered hair and she was radiant.  We found a pair of glasses that made her feel good, and she thanked me for my time and understanding, but I was the one who felt grateful for the lessons she taught me without directly addressing it.  I am the one who has time.  There is time left for me.  I feel broken, but I am not.  I am vital and strong and glowing.  So many strong people have come into my life and lifted me when I am in the midst of drowning in apathy.  I am not backing down from my petty challenge, I am strong.  Sometimes I just need someone even stronger to remind me of that.

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