Sunday, August 17, 2014

Leaving the Zombie Behind

Today I went for a walk.  It sounds so small in print.  A month ago, it would have taken every once of my energy just to make the decision to do so, and then actually doing the work would have robbed me of any remaining energy.  I could see myself walking, in my mind's eye, but making it happen was a whole different story.  
So, taking a walk is a huge step forward. And I pushed myself.  I tapped into the feelings of pride and determination I used to use while running, and I was walking so fast that I felt uncoordinated.  But my energy, knee and mind all cooperated for the first time in months and I had an awesome workout. 
During my walk, I was thinking about how amazing it feels when the vitality of health gives you the option of doing what you want to do.  When I was walking, I didn't feel sick or weak or broken.  And it made me think about these past two years, of always feeling that something isn't right; I exhausted myself trying to find out what was causing me to feel so exhausted.  And while there truly was something wrong with me, I realized that the whole time I was waiting for the answer from someone else; waiting for someone else to fix me.  
I do feel better now than I have in a long time.  I guess I am sensitive to iron.  I feel like I woke up from a long dream, finally able to stretch and move on.  Music sounds better, food tastes better, I'm seeing things I never noticed before.  I am grateful to have my sense of normalcy back.  I have been fortunate to have no gut issues (despite the vertigo) and other than being whacked out on Claritin-D (seriously, don't take that stuff, it's hardcore) I feel like myself again!  I was even able to climb all over steep hills and embankments during my family's day out in nature today.  That's a big deal.  I feel so much younger and happier.  Who can argue with that?
So instead of waiting for someone to provide me with an excuse to dwell in apathy, I took matters in my own hands by going for that walk this morning.  Whether something is or isn't wrong with my health, I am not helpless against it.  I know how beneficial exercise is for me, by me taking that walk today, it was my way of standing up for myself, and finding my own solution.  I know my blood pressure is higher than I want it to be, and I know how to fix it.  I know my knee is still sore, and I know how to strengthen the supporting muscles.  I know it feels better to be active when I don't have so much extra weight on my body.  And I know how to fix that.  I am tired of doctors' offices and looking to them knowing they are probably thinking lose some weight and you won't have these problems yet thinking yes, but...
No more yes buts.  Whether the doctors I have seen thought that or not, it is right.  I know I'll feel better if I tend to my health.  I've spent too much time with health anxiety, I am ready to fix this myself.  I have to, living like a zombie hasn't worked for me.  I am choosing a better way.  

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