Today I stress-ate myself through my 10 and 11-and-a-half year old boys being home alone the entire day while my husband and I worked. It was the first time my younger son was alone that long and he was worried and so was I. They got through it just fine, but I ended up trying to calm the stress with food, and making myself physically uncomfortable in the process. I still ate pizza for dinner despite not being hungry, and now I'm still more full than I want to be, hours later. If overeating makes me feel so aweful, why does my brain keep telling me to eat?!
I discovered Goodwillbooks.com a few weeks ago and got two used books I'd been looking for for 99 cents a piece, score! They are both Geneen Roth books. One is a workbook called Why Weight, and the other is one I've read before called When Food is Love. I've been working on the exercises in the workbook on occasion, so I decided to read the other tonight and I'm really glad I did. I really absorbed the words tonight instead of simply reading lifeless words on a page. She writes so hauntingly knowingly, like she has the keys to your secrets.
Another passage that grabbed my attention is this:
There is a part where she says her mother, when she was angry, told her she was selfish, and that equated to being bad. Being bad, in a kids mind (especially a fragile kid) means being unlovable. So if being selfish means you think of your needs above others, and if being selfish means you are bad, and if being bad means you are unlovable, then putting your needs above others makes you unlovable. This put a huge lump in my throat. Her mom was my mom in so many ways. I totally get this philosophy and I have lived it for so so many years.
I am full of emotion, but it is joyful breakthrough-type emotion, as if I have just discovered a secret that is bittersweet, but liberating all the same.
I am looking forward to re-reading this book with new eyes. It really has hit the vital nerve, and I think this is exactly where I need to be right now.