Saturday, August 1, 2015

Not Checking Out

I jumped off the wagon after that last post, going back into "Quasi" mode, kinda eating OK, kinda thinking about working out but nothing is at all committed.  I had a really excruciating "monthly" this time, that made me want to spend a week in the fetal position in a dark room with lots of drugs.  Coupled with a couple weeks of heavy relationship stuff to get through, stuff that left me feeling stripped-bare and questioning myself more than ever, it has all meant I am worn down and grappling for any bit of self-confidence I can imagine for myself.  
I imagine myself working out, getting back on track but then I wake up and feel burnt out, like I need to soothe myself and it all slips away.  I have been noticing my mood has been slipping ever closer to depressed and just when I was about to blame it on the emotional roller coaster I've been on lately, I saw a clip about how effective exercise is on regulating our emotions.  Yes, I've been through some heavy stuff but even when things are good/happy I still feel a cloud of sadness following me.  I didn't feel that way when I was working out everyday.  The part that sucks about it is, the feeling good doesn't happen until you start working out, so you have to start when your energy is already kind of low (assuming you're like me) and then the rewards of more energy and feeling better make an appearance.  I keep learning about myself each time I make an effort, and each time I have more tools to use.  
On Friday night, before I fell asleep at a ridiculously early time, I sleepily thought to myself, August is going to get its a$$ kicked by me, I'm going to work really hard and get this thing back on track!  Well, maybe starting tomorrow.  One month left to get into some good habits before my life gets a lot more chaotic.  I'm battling my mind, I don't have a real strong track record in this situation, but I have more tools now than I did before.  Let's hope it makes a difference!

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