Thursday, August 27, 2015

Where does the time go?

I have been writing blogs in my head the past few weeks, and they have been as contrasting as my own thoughts about my journey to a healthier place.  Some blogs I didn't post were about a sort of breaking apart, things just not going according to plan, me withdrawing from certain things and feeling more stressed and less happy.  Some of them would have been about how I worked out and felt great, and how I know I'm not that far off track, and can get back to my diet-or-die mindset.  But there's a reason those blogs never made it on here.  I have been  refocusing on happiness and calmness and what it takes to have them.  The reasonable part of my mind knows that losing weight won't make me happy and that the size of my jeans amounts to nothing in the scope of a life lived.  I know this because my friend is dying of cancer, and with six months to live, guess what she's not thinking about?  Her weight.  And guess what no one else who loves her is thinking about?  You guessed it.  But there is this irrational, gut-reaction ugly little pre-teen girl in me who is certain I am weak, lazy, unattractive and unworthy of good stuff unless I either am thinner or trying to get there.  These two sides make war in my head.  But lately I have been finding a little bit of the calmness I've been seeking and the funny thing is, when I am calm, taking a walk to see the way the sun kisses a field of green life is such a magnificent treat for my senses that it becomes about something bigger than me.  In those moments I feel bigger than my problems or worries, powerful, connected to the ancient life in the roots of the trees and weightless as the fuzzy things floating in the breeze.  I am of this earth, what could I have to feel bad about?  
My diet has been consistent except on the road, which is not a big deal.  I have been walking a few times a week and strength training only once a week or so. My knee was really irritated last time I did my Jillian Michaels workout, if it continues I'll have to find plan b.  But for now, I'm not really stressing out over my weight.  How much time I'll have for any of that is questionable once school stars for me and my kids next week.  It usually means all of my free time is gone, and I seriously falter the first month or so until we fall into our groove.  I am going to try and really enjoy fall this year instead of dreading what comes after.  Sometimes I think I hate the thought of winter more than the actual thing, but the first time I have to drive on slippery roads I will remember quickly why we are moving to California!  And that move will be happening sooner than I think, the way time flies.  That is something really positive to think about and a great thought to end my night on.  
Hope today was great for you!  

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