Donut Death

Today I did something that may very likely be a first for me.  I stopped eating a donut before it was gone.

Oh, poor little, pretty-looking-but-kind-of-disgusting-tasting donut.  It was labled "Peanut butter cup filled" and had what looked like cookie dough on top.  It was oily and tasted strange and did not make me feel good or happy.  And here is the real truth about donuts, I always think I want them, but they really aren't that fantastic.  Maybe my brain is looking for that 'perfect donut' moment, but I'm starting to realize it probably doesn't exist.  I'm more of a black cherry ice cream type but I still somehow think a donut will be blissful.  I have eaten my share, and it definitely more of an emotional want than a physical one, but that little neuro pathway that makes me aware of it in the moment is apparently still impared. 
So as I was eating this donut, hoping it would somehow resemble the flavor of either it's label or the cookie-dough looking stuff on top, I realized that I wasn't really enjoying it, but there was a little less than half left.  Guilt started to creep in, telling me I should just finish it and go on with my day.  Then I realized that my habits have been inspired by years of guilt, years of not wanting to miss out on a thing we didn't get often, and years of feeling that donuts are somehow more 'special' than other foods when in reality they are kind of gross, and they usually cause me some stomach distress later on. 
So yes, I bought a donut when I wasn't hungry.  There is the first part that I need to examine, in what way was I trying to "care" for myself with food.  I'll put some thought into that later.  The good point is that I was mindful enough to stop when I realized it was not helping.  I also realized, as I was driving to work and thinking about how wierd that donut is, I was actually scowling.  Ha ha!  Needless to say, I don't think I will be eating any donuts anytime soon!  Now a piping hot slice of cheese pizza would be a whole other ballgame!  So my challenge is to stop eating tastey things when I am satisfied or no longer enjoying them.  That's the real challenge. 
I have started reading a new book, I will mention it without revealing it just yet, because I am not far enough in to know if it's going to be good all the way through.  It is about connecting to spirits or gaurdian angels (or whatever term suits) and the channels through which you can participate most fully are through the energy centers in the body (chakras).  I am really into the spiritualist stuff, in the way of meditation for calming, healing, and when lucky, some sort of communication or sign from those I love who have crossed over.  I don't fancy myself a psychic or even someone with strong gifts, but I am an analyzer and I do try to take messages from my surroundings.  The part that talks about certain energy centers being blocked or clogged really hit home in so many ways, including the whole mindful eating realm.  When our self-esteem and power sources are not in good working order, we seek outside things to try and fill the void.  We believe we are unworthy, unlovable, weak and that we just don't have the resources to make our life fulfilling.  We get stuck in those lower energy zones, seldom opening ourselves up to new experiences of the mind or social connections.  For me, feeling extra unattractive makes me want to just stay at home, doing something familiar and comforting, but that really doesn't help me expand.  There have been plenty of times when my husband has encouraged me (or sometimes volunteered me) to go out when I feel that way and I end up being happy I did because often times, especially when we are in nature, it ends up showing me that my worries about my appearance are insignificant in comparrison to the sun's light or the roots of a giant tree or the little songbirds happily fluttering around.  The life that surrounds us is huge.  My ugly upper arms or bad haircut don't matter, nature is going to keep putting on her magnificent show.  As for me, I am happy to be here to witness every little bit of it!


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