Moving Massive Boulders

I knew, before this year began, that it was going to be a very powerful year and I have to say that it really has been.  I feel like, at the age of 45, I am finally starting to free myself from things that have kept me bound all my cognizent life.  That is a big, powerful statement and I assure you, the things going on have been profound for me. 
The basis of these changes is mindfulness.  Not in a zen buddhist sort of way- I already know I don't have that kind of discipline or I'd be thin already-but in a self-examinatory way.  There have been areas that hurt but I couldn't quite put a name to them.  There have been areas that hurt on the surface, in today, that I have found actually stem back from a much deeper, darker place.  I have been taking time to examine some of the areas where I find myself reacting emotionally via stress, hurt feelings, anxiety, jealousy...what have you. 
Last week provided me with a recent example of how this looks for me.  At the end of the day, my husband was doing a meditative type thing and I walked through the living room to take the dog out before bed.  I was doing a good thing, helping out so he didn't have to do it.  I have walked in the room while he's doing things before and he's even told me that I don't have to leave the room when he's doing a certain meditation.  I mistook that to be a universal thing and it wasn't and I upset him.  I like to think of this as "the fifth time we hit a snag in our relationship" but that is a bit of a joke because I'm sure it's been more in the nearly 20 years we've known each other, but we generally don't fight or have issues.  He held off on saying something to me until right before we turned the lights off and going to bed.  His tone was frustrated and cold, stating he'd appreciate if I don't walk in front of him while he's doing that. 
I slid out of the room to cry.  It hurt me so deeply and I started to process through why.  I am allowed to take up space.  I belong here.  I have a right to be around, especially when I'm doing something helpful.  I examined the way the situation made me feel: shameful, guilty, rejected, in the way. So many times growing up I felt those same emotions, in the way, useless, unworthy, not allowed to take up space.  Most of my life has been about trying to smooth things out for everyone so as not to upset anyone and I still do that.  I appologize for being in the way, disturbing someone, as if they are more important than me.  It infuriated me a little when I thought about it.  I have just as much right to be in a place! Why do people always expect me to be the one to bend?   And I was crying for about an hour or so, while journaling my thoughts, and I decided I was going to talk to my husband the next morning, and tell him the way he got his point across was abrasive and hurt me.  Then I realized that, while he could have said it in a better way or waited until he wasn't reacting emotionally, it's not his fault that my parents/family/schoolmates made me feel that way all those years ago.  It's not his job to heal my past, it's mine.  And I don't want to sabotage my relationship because of old ghosts.  So I have decided that I am going to start owning my space and stop worrying about being in the way so much.  Sounds easy.  Maybe it is easy.  Along with that decision, since I was feeling really empowered, I decided to stop caring what everyone thinks of me.  And part of that is tied up in ending the covering up of my body.  Granted, I'm not running around naked or posting inappropriate photos on Instagram, but my arms are just out in the air and I don't CARE!  It has been a hot summer and being sleeveless (not at work, obviously) has been so so very liberating. 
Way more cleavage than I usually show but it was hot out and I felt great

I have even gained confidence by doing this and have started to appreciate my body.  I like how I feel a little sexier in sleeveless tops, I like that I can see a little bit of arm muscle showing through when I am doing things.  I am sending a message to myself that I don't have to hide, that I have worth.  And all the times I think someone may say something negative about how I look (and to be honest, no one even looks at me much less says anything) I will remind myself of all the awesome things my arms do for me every day, and I feel really fortunate that they still do all the things I want them to.

  Confidence is attractive at any size. 

Right now I am defining who and what I am; and that's also true for my inner child who has so many incorrect ideas about the world.  She is getting soothed and strapping on her armour for the next part.  Which is going to be even more freaking fantastic!


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