Long Weekend
I had an extended weekend, which was much-needed after how crazy work has been this month. My sons' last day of school was Thursday and my younger one is now done with middle school. I went to his "transitioning ceremony" and there were moments I got a little choked up. There was sentimental music, slideshows and a speech about how important parents are in what seems to be the most emotionally tumultuous years to get through. It is bittersweet, I know some tough years are ahead where he's really going to be pushed hard, but leaving the years of challenges behind; the hurdles we've already faced, that feels rewarding.
So that started my time off on an emotional note. One of my sons had gotten a gift card to a local bakery as a gift and he was originally wanting to go there after school on his last day, but instead he decided he wanted to get stuff to make a nice dinner at home. We made Salsa Chicken in the slow cooker and had it over a brown rice and quinoa mix. We had ice cream drumsticks and carrot cake mini cupcakes for dessert because it was a celebration. Yes, I ate dessert. No, I did not do it in a controlled manner. So I let all the bittersweet emotions guide my eating.
For my 4-day weekend, we went road-tripping twice and ate at restaurants 3 times. Neither my body or my pocket book needed that, but it was a pretty fun weekend.
I did put a little effort into thoughts about my past. Today I was thinking about my family dynamic where my dad is concerned. Most of my negative feelings are currently aimed at my mom, because she was the one physically present but so emotionally unavailable. But from kind of early on I remember having some bad feelings about my dad. My mother didn't realize that all the caustic things she said about him, all the complaints she had about my dad, I eventually adopted. True, he was an alcoholic and also true that I didn't see him much, and when I did there was a good chance he'd been drinking. He worked 2nd or 3rd shift for years, so he'd be sleeping while I was awake and vice versa. And certainly whether he was working on cars in the garage with his buddies or watching the football game, he'd be drinking. He was not a violent man but because my mom hated his drinking so did I. I recently learned that my Dad's parents were also drinkers, sometimes leaving him home with his brother who was only 3 years older than him so they could go drink. Then his older brother would take off and go to a friend's house so my dad would be alone. I don't know how old he was, but young enough where it bothered him and stuck with him. My dad lost his mother to cancer when he was just 14, and by the time he was 18 he had 2 kids and got married to my mom, whom I am not certain he really loved. I know there must have been a lot he was trying to numb with the alcohol. Both my parents smoked too. My dad quit, my mom hasn't given it up yet. So I guess using ineffective tools to cope with emotions has been something passed down in my family; our only family heirloom if you will. It has been a burden we have all had to bear, but I know that can lift for me because I am willing to go to the dark places and see what can be rearranged or looked at differently in order to heal.
This past weekend was not a great example of what I am capable of but I did make some progress and will continue chipping away at it.
So that started my time off on an emotional note. One of my sons had gotten a gift card to a local bakery as a gift and he was originally wanting to go there after school on his last day, but instead he decided he wanted to get stuff to make a nice dinner at home. We made Salsa Chicken in the slow cooker and had it over a brown rice and quinoa mix. We had ice cream drumsticks and carrot cake mini cupcakes for dessert because it was a celebration. Yes, I ate dessert. No, I did not do it in a controlled manner. So I let all the bittersweet emotions guide my eating.
For my 4-day weekend, we went road-tripping twice and ate at restaurants 3 times. Neither my body or my pocket book needed that, but it was a pretty fun weekend.
I did put a little effort into thoughts about my past. Today I was thinking about my family dynamic where my dad is concerned. Most of my negative feelings are currently aimed at my mom, because she was the one physically present but so emotionally unavailable. But from kind of early on I remember having some bad feelings about my dad. My mother didn't realize that all the caustic things she said about him, all the complaints she had about my dad, I eventually adopted. True, he was an alcoholic and also true that I didn't see him much, and when I did there was a good chance he'd been drinking. He worked 2nd or 3rd shift for years, so he'd be sleeping while I was awake and vice versa. And certainly whether he was working on cars in the garage with his buddies or watching the football game, he'd be drinking. He was not a violent man but because my mom hated his drinking so did I. I recently learned that my Dad's parents were also drinkers, sometimes leaving him home with his brother who was only 3 years older than him so they could go drink. Then his older brother would take off and go to a friend's house so my dad would be alone. I don't know how old he was, but young enough where it bothered him and stuck with him. My dad lost his mother to cancer when he was just 14, and by the time he was 18 he had 2 kids and got married to my mom, whom I am not certain he really loved. I know there must have been a lot he was trying to numb with the alcohol. Both my parents smoked too. My dad quit, my mom hasn't given it up yet. So I guess using ineffective tools to cope with emotions has been something passed down in my family; our only family heirloom if you will. It has been a burden we have all had to bear, but I know that can lift for me because I am willing to go to the dark places and see what can be rearranged or looked at differently in order to heal.
This past weekend was not a great example of what I am capable of but I did make some progress and will continue chipping away at it.
It sounds like you had a fabulous weekend! Sometimes we need to cut loose and celebrate..even if it means too much eating out or whatever! Just reign yourself back in in terms of your food and expenditures. And keep working through those childhood memories...it will bring clarity to your life!
ReplyDeleteMaryFran, good advice! I do feel like the past is the way to fix the future, I just have to do a little psychoanalysis on myself!
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