Looking Forward (because right now is hard)

I wish when I first started learning about Buddhism a few years ago, that I would have followed through with any of it.  The way my life feels so rocked by ups and downs makes me bonkers!  The idea of living on a steady, even keel by detaching oneself from emotional attachments to things sounds sublime, especially when my life is a bit rocky.  Why why why don't I do things that are good for myself? 
Sometimes I just don't have the mental energy to even think about food and I just eat the most appetizing thing that is the most easily accessible in the moment.  Last night, after learning that my mother's condition is worsening quickly, I ate a bean burrito with cheese and sour cream.  I didn't have the mental energy to plan how to make chickenless chicken taste good and forgot to buy the brussel sprouts I was meaning to have with them, so I went for quick and tastey and I didn't want to think about petty weight loss stuff.  Life is bigger than food sometimes and I haven't yet developed effective alternatives for coping with the tough stuff in life. 
My mom did finally go get checked out today and is claiming nothing is wrong.  I think something bad is going on and she isn't ready to tell us.  My sister is planning the carrying out of her final wishes because she is the one who has heard how bad the rattle in her chest is, and has seen her nearly unable to walk from exhaustion. I believe she has COPD even if she doesn't believe it or doesn't want to admit to it.  She is ashamed that she is still smoking despite knowing what it is doing to her body.
This past week has been so much for me.  What was supposed to be the kids summer break (and a bit of a breather for me too) turned out to be a little extra work yet, with my older son enrolling in a summer program that introduces him to life skills like riding a city bus, budgeting for a picnic, etc.  So I am still prepping breakfast for him and dropping him off in the mornings.  I am blessed to still have him at home and it is nice quiet time with just the two of us in the morning, but it is still a delay of the quiet time in the morning for me to get some exercise in or even meditation.  He only has one more week of that and I can start to dig in, I am just being impatient. 
I got a dermatofibroma (big lump of spontaneously-formed scar tissue) removed from my upper arm on Tuesday and it is another thing I am feeling a little impatient about.  I have to wait 2 weeks to have the stitches removed and they are annoying me.  It's hard to sleep too because I am so used to putting my arm under the pillow and resting my head on it, but that kind of hurts, so my sleep hasn't been the best. But at least I won't have that ugly, itchy bump on my arm, and my insurance will cover it in full so I should stop complaining! 
I haven't lost any weight.  That's an assumption since I don't weigh myself, but just based on how I feel, I haven't.  At least I do know I have not lost any MENTAL weight, I feel so bogged down and serious all the time and the worst part about it is, I don't give myself proper time to think through things and process, and give myself pep talks.  Instead I try to numb myself, check out, give myself a mental nap, if you will. And this is a big realization, sometimes when I say I am exhausted, it is so much more a mental exhaustion than a physical one. 
I haven't really formulated any plans for my extra hour of free time I will have for July and August mornings, but I know if I don't have it planned out in advance (and in my world that means planned to a T) I will just brush it aside and sit and numb myself on my phone.  I don't want my life to be like that.  So a plan must culminate soon, I have a week left to decide what I'm going to do. 
I wanted to make myself feel a little cheerier today since the stuff with my mom is weighing on me so heavy, so I wore a black polka dot skirt with a white lace-trimmed tank top and an adorable bright red cardigan on top.  Usually when I wear this cardigan I don't button it because it is stretchy fabic and it makes the buttons look like they are stressing out, but because I had a tank top on, I had to button it to be work appropriate.  It makes me feel self-conscious, but every time I pass a mirror I think, I look good for me!  I wish I could say I was able to stop focusing on my insecurity about the fit of the sweater but I haven't.  When I am at home I usually hang out in an oversized black T-shirt and a pair of black casual (loose) pants, and a lot of my old clothes I wear are intentionally loose, so when I wear anything that is not loose I feel self-conscious even though I know loose fitting clothes make you look bigger.  I wish I didn't care about it, but I do.  Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.  I used to have such admiration for one of my sister's friends who was so free-spirited.  She would wear courduroys and a ripped up Dr. Suess shirt and had naturally curly hair that stuck up in all directions all funky.  She was so above what people thought of her in high school and I was blown away by that.  I remember thinking, I wish I could be that cool!  All she did was decide she didn't care what everyone else was doing or wearing, she was going to be comfortable and be herself.  And it worked.  Of course, with working in a health clinic, I can't exactly dress any old way I like, but I do often find myself thinking I don't dress that good and it makes me a little self-conscious.  It is an area that I should spend more time examining, what I think that means about myself vs the reality. 
At the end of the month my family is escaping for a weekend trip to our favorite little island.  It is something that I have been looking forward to since we left the island last summer.  My mind has been on so many other things that I have been having a hard time getting excited about it.  I will make an effort to do some mental work before we leave next Friday so that I can enjoy it and be in the moment.  I sure need a break from all the stresses that await me every day!
That was my venting I guess, the writing was helpful.  I still have a lot to sort through in my head, but it felt good to write.  I haven't been doing much on my PPF project but that will be part of the plan for the summer.  More on that soon!


  1. I am the same way with clothes. I looser fitting things because I feel as if it doesn’t emphasize my rolls. I know I need to get over it...and I even tell myself that I’m not ‘hiding’ anything....but I still do it!!!

    1. It seems, like all things about our body's and body image, old emotional habits are hard to break!


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