Already Perfect

I find it hard to write when I've let so much time pass. So many thoughts filter in and out of my head, so few stay for very long. I have had an overwhelming sense of ease lately. This doesn't happen to me often, and it doesn't typically last long, but I have had these phases where I feel like everything is right and I am not worried or stressed or over-thinking anything, I'm just very content. A huge part of that has been due to the breathtaking beauty of spring. My neighborhood is bursting with blossoms and green things and fat, happy bees and birds chirping like it's the best day of their little fluffy lives. Its a delight for the senses! I have also been allowing myself to take what I need, set boundaries and speak up more. That comes, in part, from things I have read, watched and had conversations about (feminism, fat-shaming vs worthiness, being kind to myself as an intentional act of kindness toward myself, etc). When I don't default to my habitual over-accomodation of everyone else, I do feel better about myself. I saw this meme recently (I do not own this photo)

It led to me challenging myself to be off my phone more last week. I did pretty well. One day I spent getting caught up with housework because I have spent so much time weeding our flowerbed that the inside of the house has been neglected. I was battling some serious g doghair tumbleweeds. Anyone with hardwood floors and a pet understands! During the work I realized that aside from getting me off my phone, it was also getting me some extra steps and helping my mood because having a disorderly house definitely affects my mental health. One night we actually got caught up with the weeding and decided to grab a bite to eat at our local tourist spot before it gets so busy that people park for blocks away just to go for their famous loaded Bloody Mary's that have enough food for two adults stuffed into each drink. One night I had to exchange our water cooler jugs and grabbed some ice and iced tea mix and enjoyed some time on our patio, reading a book (not on my phone, thank you very much) and sipped my iced tea in pure enjoyment. When my husband came home, we sat outside enjoying our space and chatting. I felt happier last week when I was doing these things instead of being on my phone so much, so I will try to continue to challenge myself to do that. I get more done too, instead of feeling like I have to try and fit everything into the weekend. Its funny but being content means I wasn't thinking about "dieting" thoughts at all. It's hard to say which came first. By diet standards, my eating is not great right now. Aunt Flow is late and I feel like I have month-long symptoms but my cravings got really strong over the weekend. I do have some sugar-free Cool Whip on hand and that helped me not go off the deep end, but I did have some sweets and chips. I did it with gusto and was completely relaxed as if this is what we're supposed to do in life. And it was spectacular. I do know that I can't do that all the time if I don't want my health to fail me, but it was nice to at least have a good feeling about it instead of self-deprecating thoughts because I'm wrong/bad. I recently watched a video about why I want to eat almost non-stop during PMS and I was so grateful to see that I am not crazy, there's a much higher demand for calories during PMS due to the hormonal changes. The video I watched said some women need to take in as much as 200 extra calories a day during PMS to make up for the extra metabolic shift. I have felt this and have perpetually had the most difficulty sticking to any food plan during PMS because I wasn't accounting for an extra healthy snack during those days. Anyway, while I don't predict a drastic, sweeping change this week; I'm not working out right now and my food is only about 50% on track today, but I think once this PMS passes I will do more. I also have next week off with no plans so that has the potential to be awesome! I was watching a Tik Tok today that showed an overweight person and the caption said something about them being too afraid to go to a convention in the past because of the assumed fat-shaming that would take place but this year they were doing it. I was waiting for a transformation video but it didn't happen that way. At first I felt disappointed because I am used to the gratification and inspiration to see the transformation, but then I realized that that person is deciding not to let their joy be decided by someone else. Maybe that's more inspiring than someone who can go do things they want because they are more acceptable to society in a smaller body size. Life doesn't wait for us to be perfect, it just keeps keeping on. We need to realize that life doesn't demand anything more from us but to show up and hop on the ride because life knows we're already perfect!