For The Ficundity Of It

After a very uncommitted three weeks, I finally feel like I am gaining momentum in putting myself back on track.  I have been experiencing a lot of stress at home in the last month, and that is causing me to simultaneously not care about my body and comfort eat.  But I didn't put two and two together until this past weekend, and once I realized why I didn't care about my body and wanted to eat junk, it made me feel a little better, because I was starting to let doubt creep in; thinking that I wasn't strong enough or driven enough to see this through to fruition.  And starting to see a reversal of the work I'd done, which did not help my mood one bit.  The fact that my husband is now modeling, and is surrounded by beautiful, scantilly-clad women both at shoots and on-line, and he cannot tear himself away from the world of modelling, hasn't helped my self-esteem either.  And even though it is harmless enough, he is trying to persue a career in (ultimately) acting, and modelling is just a stepping stone, when I see him with another woman draped over him in a seductive way, there are intrinsic emotional reactions for me.  I also get jealous of him having an identified passion to chase.
This time of year, back to school time, always makes me feel restless.  I want to be going back to school, dreaming of something bigger, learning new things that I've always wondered about.  But, my life is becoming increasingly more difficult to navigate.  My kids have just about exhausted every daycare/babysitter option in the city, and we are starting to think at some point, it will necessary for one of us not to work, just to have reliable care; someone who can "handle" our kids and not kick us out.  Then things get more complicated.  Add my husband's workout and modelling schedule, and I'm lucky if I get time for a second workout, much less going back to school.  I know that there will be a way, in all aspects, if I am driven enough.  I just need to start putting myself first, which is a foreign concept to me.  But, just as important as showing my kids how to be healthy, is showing them how to make yourself happy.  For me, I don't hate what I do, I like being an optician, but I would be happier as a pastry chef.  My new coworker has been fanning the flames of that fire for me, telling me to persue it or I will regret not doing it.  So, it has been on my mind a lot.  The question is, when I will begin.  The issue of snow is a factor, as the nearest college to offer courses is a half hour outside of town.  Perhaps in spring I will take a chance. 
My health has been on my mind a lot lately, since the frequency of unclean food has increased over the last few weeks, and the scale has been slowly creeping up the wrong direction.  Although it is only three pounds more than pre-reunion weight, I feel like it is 15 pounds.  And then I start worrying about my cholesterol and blood pressure.  I desperately don't want to put myself back in the same place I was two years ago.  I'm glad I figured out what was going on before I made things irreversible.  Yesterday, I ate clean all day, but I had sugar cravings.  I have been eating a lot of ice cream as of late.  So, because I want to get back on track, when I had the sugar cravings last night, I rushed out to buy some sugar-free fudgesicles.  They worked perfectly, and I was good for the rest of the night.  I have also switched up my diet slightly, swapping my turkey burger lunch for a spinach and tofu salad, which tasted great and made my metabolism rev up yesterday. 
This morning I got back on track with cardio, it sure is dark out there at 5am, but it makes me feel good, and after drinking multitudes of fluids yesterday, my weight was back down to 156.  I feel fairly confident that I will be stronger now that I know why I got off track.  There is work to be done in several areas of my life, but that will all fall in place if I am taking care of myself.  Everything feeds from that, my mood, confidence, feelings of self-worth, and even dreaming of the future the way I want it, instead of dreading what will become of me.  A professor I once had used the term ficundity to describe exercise, explaining that it is something that is not only good to it's own end, but that it builds upon itself making other things good.  Like paying it forward, only internally.  When he said that to me, I was 220 pounds with no self esteem, and it made me feel guilty that I wasn't the kind of person who exercised.  Now, because I have lived it, I can confidentally agree.  Exercise, taking care of yourself, self love is a ficundity, but you have to be doing it in order to reap the rewards.  There is only so much about life that we have control over, so we have to make the things we can control really count.
Thanks for sticking it out with me, I know my blogs have been sparse lately!  Have a fantastic Tuesday, and thanks for reading!


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