But alas, here I am, relatively unscathed.
Everything is going good right now, I am in a really good place, actually enjoying the morning work on the treadmill, as it gets me ready for my long days at work and school, and sets up my mindset to focus on the better choices I referred to on the last blog. Right now, being on track is a bit matter-of-fact for me, because I am so busy I don't have time to think of eating something else, much less, have the time to go out and acquire and eat such things. So that is one way that going back to school is helping me. I may be the first person in the history of the great state of Wisconsin to actually lose weight by going back to college.
Last night, while driving home from my Human Development of Adolescence class, some dark and stirring things came to the surface, that date from my childhood and even a reflection on my mother's life. These things came about because at the end of each class we have to answer questions. Most of them pertain to the book, and what we are learning. Then, there is always a writing question at the end, and it is crafted in such a way that it makes me reveal somewhat vulnerable information to the professor (she happens to be a psychologist who works with teens, so she knows what she's doing). So, once I hand the paper in, I get to leave, and the thoughts are still lingering as I walk to my car across the cold dark expanse of the seemingly empty campus. And the thoughts continue on the drive home, pushing their way past the blaring of Green Day. Sometimes I am so deep in thought by the time I get home, I feel a bit out of my element in getting back into "wife" and "mommy" mode.
But last night's thoughts were not all negative or hurtful. It was more like realizing my strength. I was thinking to myself how strong I was to overcome so much, growing up in a house where my father was an alcoholic and my mother was depressed, feeling in the shadow of my older sister, my own issues with alcohol, my parent's divorce, always always feeling out of place and self-conscious and low self esteem. From what I am learning in my classes right now, most people in those circumstances don't have very good outcomes. But I know I am strong enough to take it. And I know that because I inherited my strength from my mother, who had her own really dark childhood complete with poverty, teen pregnancy, being raised by an alcoholic, then married to one at an early age, and a variety of abuses from both of her parents. When my sister and I were old enough to watch after ourselves, she went to college, and graduated with honors in a surgical field, but instead chose a job in the emergency field, eventually becoming a lieutenant fire fighter/EMT. When my parents got divorced, she was able to stand on her own. And some times after all the bills were paid, she only had $13 left, but she made it work, and she never looked back.
In retrospect, and comparing my life to hers, maybe I didn't have it so bad, maybe there were parts that were dark and undesirable, but I was given the tools, by a very ample role model, on how to overcome challenges.
So the problems I have had with food, body image, exercise...while they have their root in these earlier challenges, and while I have struggled with them for many years, they are just a challenge. And I know very well, that challenges can be overcome.
It's going to be a very productive semester!
Happy Wednesday everyone!