Thursday, March 7, 2013

Hey Jealousy

Spring is coming, I can feel it. I can draw in air through my nose and not have it instantly freeze. It has been sunny and warmer, snow is melting, I can even see grass in some spots. I am fully aware of the 18-incher that barely missed us this week, and that the weather can change at any point, but today it feels good to know we are almost done with the gloomy, bulky drudge of winter.
Today was also my fist day stepping foot on a treadmill since November when my knee became swollen. After my cortisone shot last week, nearly all of the swelling is gone, and it is snapping/cracking/catching a lot less, and what a miraculous thing it is to be able to bend my knee all the way. I noticed how weak it is once I started on the treadmill, I was grateful there wasn't any pain, but it's still not normal, I'm still favoring it and limping a little, which puts extra stress on my hips. I was frustrated more than once this morning, listening to some of my favorite cardio songs, which I used to be able to power through, and now I have to keep myself so reigned in. My body cannot reach the level if intensity that my mind is at, and I don't know that I've ever been this frustrated. All around me at the gym, there were people running. And me, limping beside them on slow-mo, listening to songs I used to run to; the very songs I was running to during my final, emotional run. AND I WAS JEALOUS. Jealous of all of those people running, and taking their ability to do so for granted. And I cursed my knee, and the years of not caring how badly I was damaging my body, not just my heart and my spirit, but my joints, my skin, my teeth, my hormones. Then I watched the others running and felt like I wanted to cry, or scream, or claw at something. What is my hang-up about running? When I'm doing it, it isn't particularly enjoyable. And personally I get a better endorphin rush from T-bar rows. And running makes my body feel like I've just done something I shouldn't have. I know it is totally mental and unrealistic (especially at the snail's pace that I run) but when I run, and accomplish my goal, it feels like my spirit is taking flight.
I don't know if I'll ever run again, I'll get my MRI results today and depending on what they say, I may bring it up to the ortho Dr, but I have to start finding something I can do without damaging myself further. All of what I'm going through right now was likely preventable. I don't want to be saying that again next year after trying to prove something else to myself.
If you run, and enjoy it, don't take it for granted!

4 comments:

  1. How about spin instead of running? It will be less impact on your knee.

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    1. I got confirmation that I need surgery to fix the knee. Not sure what I'll be doing after that. I'll quit whining about running. Maybe I'll join the ranks of OLWLTS (obese ladies who love to swim)

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  2. I know how you feel. "Imagine," HOW I have felt (my entire life) never knowing, what that (& other things) will ever truly, feel like. My condition, also..."limits" me due to discomfort. But, I myself, HAVE HAD to find "other" ways around, MOST things. It's not so bad, once you find them...& utilize. ;) :) *BE "thankful," you KNOW what it feels like to run...&, HAVE "Experienced" it. And...be THANKFUL, it may be...only ONE thing, you're limited from.

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    1. What a good point! I do feel lucky to have had my time. I can still say "I did that." Still, I think about 'what if I would have fixed my health ten years ago. But I guess all we can do is make sure we don't have regrets ten years from NOW.

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