My recent "aha moment" came when I was getting ready for work and noticing how tired, unhappy, and just generally bad I look. I started to slip into the negative internal dialogue that I somehow try to convince myself will inspire me to make changes. I was so fed up** F.E.D U.P** with the same old argument, God, I look awful, I look half dead, I feel like crap, I need to get moving again, etc etc etc. Then, whisper-shouting to myself in the mirror I finally let the truth seep out of my subconscious. I can't get moving because my *#$@ing knee isn't cooperating. I want to move, I want to feel alive again. This knee surgery was supposed to magically make things go back to normal, and they haven't. I am not broken anymore, but I am not whole and I am so *#$@ing angry that I am not and I'm stuck in the middle of wanting and not being able to and the fact that the word CANT is even in my vocabulary. These things have been sitting heavy on my mind since they surfaced, and I am realizing that if I don't learn to accept things as they are right now, I will never move past this hurdle. The truth is, this may be the best my knee ever feels. I had unrealistic expectations, and I am reacting emotionally because things didn't pan out the way I dreamed they would. I haven't miraculously gotten back on track. Everything seems to irritate my knee, even the physical therapy exercises I have been given. I have been using that as an excuse to not do anything, including my physical therapy, assuming that it will feel better soon, and then I will kick booty and be the best me I've ever been. But today it dawned on me that having these expectations is setting me up for a huge amount of emotional eating and depression when it doesn't pan out.
So I am working on coming to terms with some things. This may be the best my knee ever feels, if I don't find a way to make things work for me, I will certainly cause a lot more damage to it, and then I will be really limited in my mobility. I don't even want to think about how depressed I would be then. And waiting for some magic time that may or may not come is just an excuse to try and avoid the physical pain, which by the way, isn't nearly as bad as it was before the surgery.
So last night, as I did my physical therapy, I allowed myself to be totally aware of how it is bothering my knee and I reminded myself that I was feeling pain even during physical therapy, and she always offered me ice or recommended ibuprofen afterword, so she knew that the things I was doing would likely made my knee feel bad, and that must have been OK for it or she wouldn't have prescribed them, right? I just have to trust in the path that has been laid out for me and stop fighting it every time I feel a little resistance. I am more edgy about my knee because I don't want to have to go through anything like this again.
My plan, for now, is to make stationary bike my main cardio exercise, because it truly may be the only thing that doesn't bother my knee, and try to get in my physical therapy exercises at least 3 times/week. That equates to lunges and single-legged squat-type things, hip/glute work and I have added some planks in to help strengthen my core. I will try to hit the gym for upper body workouts a few times a week, and maybe sneak in some light leg work from time to time. I see my doctor tomorrow for a full physical, and to discuss how I've been feeling lately. I am hoping to get some answers about the exhaustion, sleep issues, and sun allergy. I am not confident in myself, but I have to take a step,even if it is a wobbly, painful one. I am moving forward because as Green Day says, "always move forward, going straight will get you nowhere."