So, I realize my last post was a bit of a bummer, written from the fog and frustration of my physical maladies infecting my mental ones. And my constant need for information in an attempt to self-diagnose drives me insane, but I have a hard time not doing it. So, I finally scheduled a physical exam for next week, to see what is going on with me. I am going to stop trying to self-diagnose and leave it to my internalist to help me put the puzzle pieces together.
Last night, when I got home with my children, my youngest was so cozy on the couch, on the verge of falling asleep, and I was laying on the floor thinking about how great a nap would feel. Then my older son began laughing and talking about something and before I knew it, they were outside playing and having a blast. I lifted my post-surgery leg and didn't like how much it still aches. So I did my physical therapy exercises. These are no joke, and include one-legged step squats and lunges. By the time I was done, I was feeling awake, and decided to try a core move that I'd found, knee planks. I got a couple sets in before everyone was back in the house asking for dinner and help with baths, etc. It made me feel a little more energetic and gave me hope that I would be able to commit to doing it more often, as I hadn't done PT more than a few times in the past month that I've been back to work. My entire lower body is still really weak. I don't like how that feels. So I want to do my physical therapy 3 times a week, and sneak in some core training, as it is something I wouldn't feel comfortable doing in the gym (at least, not the moves I've got, which all involve being on the floor).
This morning I was fighting myself about getting up to do cardio. I didn't have the option to get to the gym because my husband was working earlier than normal, and I sat in my bed trying to find an excuse to go back to bed. Did I have a slight headache/sinus ache? Yep. Was I tired? Yep. Stiff/sore in multiple parts of my body? Uh huh. But in my eternal inner dialogue there was some glimmer of logic. I thought about that little extra boost of energy I got from the previous night's endeavors and thought, I rarely ever regret going for a walk and got up and made it happen. I wish I could describe the smell of the different kinds of vegetation here where I live. We have trees that smell like they are in perpetual fruit blossom, and weeds that smell like asparagus, wild dill and everything in between. The air was humid, but a nice breeze kept me from being too hot. I was immediately aware of how last night's therapy irritated my knee and made my thigh bone sensitive. A strange sensation, this. Part of my surgery was smoothing out some splinters on both my shin and thigh bones, and for some reason it has made them sensitive at times. It feels a bit like an electrical shock inside the bone. Anyway, I was limping and sore, and noticing how oddly my knee turns as I walk, and seeing potential issues not too far down the road, but then I let my mind drift to other things, to the move to California, to having nice weather all year round and to the fact that this morning's overcast sky was a releif to this sun allergy-stricken girl, and appreciating the fact that everything is lush and green and I can actually get out and walk. After about 20 minutes or so, the endorphins kicked in and the knee felt a little better, and I silently reminded myself that sometimes "the good stuff" takes a little longer than we expected.
I know I've got some mental housekeeping to take care of, because I am still using food as a drug. And sometimes when I need to take a painkiller (the ones they gave me after surgery) I am noticing that they make me feel almost the same as indulging in off-plan food does. I wish it were easier to pinpoint what is going on in my head, that my subconscious is guarding so tightly. I guess the copious amount of time I spend thinking about my weight would be wiser spent trying to fix what is damaged inside of me. I'm really great at fooling everyone including myself, that my life is great, but then what is it that I am constantly trying to comfort? Work to be done, indeed. I am realizing though, that using that as an excuse to not do something is only hurting me more. I feel like half the summer has past and I am just now waking up, still rubbing the sleep from my eyes and looking out a hazy window, deciding whether or not to step outside or hide within. I am not gung-ho, 100% on board, but at least I am getting back in the game.
My good stuff is out there somewhere, it's just taking a little longer to get to it than I expected.
Happy Friday! I hope you have a fantastic weekend!