Wednesday, June 19, 2013

This is Getting Old

I could probably copy and paste any number of posts from the past 2 years in here, as I feel like a broken record skipping over and over on my least favorite song.  I'm stuck.  I'm confused.  I have no energy.  I am too sore/need a rest/ just generally don't feel good/have sinus issues/haven't slept wellWhen will it ever end?!
I feel like I am rolling down a steep hill and trying to stop myself with a blade of grass.  I feel like my days are not long enough, even though I have less on my plate now than I have since September.  I feel really old and worn out and almost useless.  I see changes happening in my body that are making me really worry about aging. I spend my days swinging wildly between over and underwhelmed and trying to think and organize a million thoughts at once. I want to get back on the wagon but I feel like something is wrong with me, and I am starting to feel the atrophy and wonder if I will ever get my strength, fire or energy back.  When I think of when I was unstoppable, I feel like that was a much younger and vibrant person compared to who I am now.  The knee thing stopped me in my tracks.  I can't keep using it as an excuse.  Things don't get better without effort. 
I am especially frustrated with how my body is feeling lately.  Its not just that I don't want to get moving, but that I have NO ENERGY, and when I do push myself anyway, my body revolts, giving me pain in my knee, hip, heel, or head.  Even my recovery times have become completely ridiculous, taking nearly a full week to rid my body of pain and stiffness after a good training session in the gym.   And the more I research my sun allergy, PLME (Polymorphic Light Explosion) which seems to be getting worse, the more I am seeing a link to Lupus and other auto-immune disesases, and it scares me because I have some of the symptoms of Lupus.  But I am known to believe I have a disease just from researching it, so I am trying to not overreact.  I will eventually have things checked out, as I don't feel like myself and I want my mojo back.  Part of that could be the simple fact that I have neglected my body, and have been so limited in what I can do for so long, that I have been taking it easier than I needed to.  I have regained 23 pounds since my lowest weight, and that is a lot of extra stress to put a body through.  In the past I have said countless times,  I know I can get over this, and get back on track, but I am really feeling like I need some help this time.  I don't know where that will come from or in what form, it may be as simple as getting a physical exam and discussing my lack of energy with my doctor, or in a visit with our staff nutritionist or even a session with a mental health counsellor.  Sometimes I can't tell what is fighting me harder, my body or my mind.  All I know is that I am not giving up.  I was happier, stronger, more confident and just more alive when I was conquering my demons one at a time.  I miss having that drive and that release.  This whole in between and underneath is getting old, and it's making me feel old.  And I'm too young to feel that way.
Hopefully my next post will be written in post-workout glow.  A girl can always dream!
Hope your Wednesday is going great!

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