Yesterday I took a day off and my kids had off too. As we were driving around my younger son said that he'd just had a really bad thought about what it would be like if I died and it was just him, his brother and my husband left. He has these types of thoughts often and because he is really attached to me, he gets upset. I assured him that I'm always careful and avoid dangerous situations, but I don't know if that comforted him much. Even though he's autistic, he's nearly nine years, and he knows about healthy food and fat and such. He has been making comments about his own body, feeling like he's fat, and I assured him that his body needs a little extra of that to be able to turn into a man. I also told him that he is gorgeous and smart and so very loved no matter what he looks like. I also used my husband as an example. Being a bodybuilder and fitness model, his body has been every size from really skinny to muscle overload, and I told my son that my live for his daddy doesn't change simply because he has more or less muscle. He seemed ok with it after our talk. After the book I just read, I am much more aware of how my own body image issues can be so easily passed down and it is a to torture I don't want to gift my sons. They will have enough challenges to their self esteem.
Sunday afternoon my younger son begged to get out of the house. He wanted to go to the zoo but it was late afternoon and would be closing soon. So he asked to go to the woods and just run around. It ended up being just him and me, and we walked and talked and ran and ran and RAN! I LOATHE snow, but I did it for him and he thanked me a million times and we had a fantastic time DESPITE the snow. It felt good to run. My knee bothered me a little during and the next day, but my heart appreciated the warm up.
I had good intentions to get up earlier to workout, but when my alarm went off, I got up and realized I didn't have anything prepared. I could have gone out of my room and got my caffeine, deoderant and headphones, but for some stupid reason I didn't want my husband to know I was working out. I think I'm so afraid that he'll get his hopes up and I'll disappoint him that I'd rather he not even know. I am learning some assertive changes that I need to make where he's concerned. He doesn't comment on what I'm eating very often but I have learned that in order to take the judgment and guilt out of what I'm eating, even if it's not a healthy choice, I need to tell him that my food consumption is not open for conversation. I am teaching my kids an aweful thing to eat junky food when Dad's not around so we don't have to feel guilty or judged. That is only causing more head issues around food for me. I can't allow my food choices to be dictated by how impressed or disappointed my husband would be if he knew.
It's evident that I have work to do, but I am feeling stronger,psychologically, than I have in years! I have made good food choices today and even talked myself out of comfort eating this morning when my son had an issue on the bus and refused to sit down so the bus could go. With years in my eyes, my stomach grumbling, I decided this moment is just that. And if they get put on a special needs bus, it will be quieter and less crowded, so this might have been a good thing after all. A couple weeks ago I would have used food to feel better. So changes are happening, even if it is one baby step at a time.
Tuesday feels fine. Hope you had a great day!