In my course on Eastern philosophies, or the Philosophy of Happiness, there were parts from each religion we studied that spoke to me, and so very often I reflect on these ideas when my life feels dramatic. At this point, it is more of an observation than anything else. And that is where I am at in life; observing my reactions to things, and the natural flow of things and comparing.
Yesterday was a seemingly normal day, I ate well, even at work, and felt pretty good considering the weekend was approaching. Then, a short conversation with "New Girl" set my world swirling.
A short, boring background about my job. I work in a large health clinic that has multiple locations across the region (somewhere around 40 clinics within a 50 mile radius I think). These clinics have offices that do everything from cancer treatment to OB/GYN to heart health and X-rays, and everything in between. Most of these clinics have an Eye Care department, where one can have an eye exam or be treated for a long string of medical eye problems, or even have surgery. Only two of the locations have an optical, where patients can buy glasses. So to say that, as someone who works in the optical department, we opticians are an afterthought is a gross understatement.
So for our two opticals, we have a supervisor, and 1 full time optician (that'd be me) and one part time optician, NG. We have all met supervisors like mine; completely overwhelmed with her position and pissed off at everyone because of it. She swears at work, talks poorly about the other optician while not around, and blatently disses her boss when she's not around. Her boss, who is really a mid-level boss in control of several surgical and retail departments, is one of the types that has got her stuff TOGETHER! She is firm but pleasant, and is warm. My immediate supervisor is very cold. Anyway, while talking with NG on the phone, she was telling me how there is someone at her location that is very rude to her (a coworker for the doctor's staff). Then I was telling her that you could never be sure who to trust because some people snoop around optical looking for something wrong so they can report it. Then she told me that our boss said something about me that made her think that my job might be in jeopardy. At first, I blew it off thinking, I am trying to move to California in a couple months, let her try to fire me, that would just make planning easier. But then the knot in my stomach grew and grew. I waited about an hour before I went to talk to my boss's boss. I started crying and telling her what I'd heard and she drew out more questions about my boss's inadequacies, and assured me that not only has she never heard one negative thing about me, but no one can get fired (from the departments she oversees) without her approval, and there has to be a really good reason. I felt much better. Until NG called me to tell me that our boss was summonsed over to her boss's office (which is the building that I work in). My nerves started back up, as I had this sinking feeling of not wanting to see her face to face after all this. The back hallways of the Eye Care department are where they met, and typically that is how I leave at night, but as soon as I saw the door was open and my boss was still in there, I went a different way. Now I have to face her on Monday, with her knowing that I told on her that she was being a bad boss. I didn't mean to throw NG into the mix, she is really nervous about being fired and whether or not she is liked, but I couldn't bring the stress of that into my weekend. I guess I will deal with all that on Monday. As I drove home after work, freezing rain. Streets were ice rinks and there were so many accidents. My stress was at an all time high. I ate a sensible dinner anyway, but I could still feel that nagging urge to keep eating. That is my conditioned response to stress. I tried to nibble on some fruit but the strawberries I had were really sour. In the end I had a tablespoon of real maple syrup and I felt the warmth I was seeking. It's better than what I was planning, much alcohol.
This morning, I woke naturally, after sleeping so so deep and long. I was surprised to see it was 9:30 when I awoke. I hung out with my family, then cleaned out the fridge and headed out to run some errands. My husband, who'd had a close call on the roads last night, was very worried about me, but for some reason, I was the one who didn't think it'd be a big deal. That's a twist. I was right, other than walking in parking lots, the roads were fine. I went to the library to get one more book before school starts, and as I was getting back to my car I realized how positive, confident and happy I felt. And best of all, I had energy. It has been a really long time since all of those things came together at once, and it felt phenomenal! I grabbed a quick bite to eat at a local deli that I never seem to get to, called the Urban Frog. They make organic, local, vegetarian food from scratch, and have amazing power shakes and the best wheatgrass shots. The atmosphere was so inviting and the food was great. It really made me feel like I was having a special day; a little time for myself to do some things I really enjoy.
Tonight I did something I have been dying to try for years; I made sushi! It may be ridiculous, but I am so proud of myself! It is now another ace up my sleeve. While eating it I was reminded about something I read recently, that a major recent for people not sticking to healthy food is that they choose foods that taste boring. I could tell how fun it would be to take sushi for lunch, and I am thinking about doing it this week. I also bought some high quality vegetarian bars and some raw cashews for snacks at work, when I tend to eat the worst.
The lesson I learned from the past two days is that reacting in a big way to something that happens one day is a little silly, since the next day is a new day; there is a natural balance to things.
I am going to finish off my evening with a glass of my dad's handmade raspberry wine, and delving into my latest book. This one is called It's Not About Food, and it deals with what really underlies our desire to seek comfort in food. I'm eager to see what I can learn from it.
Hope you are having a relaxing weekend and trying something new!