Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Warmth in January

Today was my first morning waking early to workout.  I actually woke several times in the night and was ribboning between light sleep and wakeful between 4am and when my alarm went off at 4:30am.  It did make getting up easier, since I wasn't in such a deep sleep.  It took me about 7 minutes between waking and actually getting dancing, so as much as I don't cherish it, I am going to try and get up at 4:20 so that I can get a full half hour of work in before I have to get the rest of my morning schedule taken care of. 
It has been an odd start to the day, just one of those when I feel slightly behind/ off and I am a little clumbsier than usual, which is bad because there was freezing drizzle last night and I am surrounded by ice.  I made it to work fine, but walking was particularly challenging today.  I'm really happy I didn't slip on the ice.  Luckily my kind of "offness" equated more to being out of sync with getting my kids ready and spilling stuff.  I'm hoping that as the morning goes on I will find that groove and things will balance out.
Do you believe in a syncronicity within the universe?  Say, like, when you keep looking at the clock at the same time of day for no reason (mine used to be 11:23) or when things keep popping up over and over, like a number or a name or something.  I have heard that, when that happens the universe is trying to make us aware of something, to sync up with us so we wake up to a message.  Here is the silliness of my life, I found a dead minnow (tiny fish) in my driveway today.  I live in the city, in a snowy place.  I dismissed it as perhaps my lazy neighbor went ice fishing and dumped his extra bait on my driveway.  We do have seagulls where I live, but I haven't seen any by my place in quite some time.  And typically, if a bird drops something, they are going to circle back around and pick it back up, especially seagulls, they are not picky at all.  I tried to look up the significance, the symbology of it, and one site said it means I have gotten past an obstacle, and another interpreted it as a lack of trust in myself.  After I dropped my kids at the bus stop, I went inside my local grocery store to get some soda to bring to work (I know, I really need to make cutting down on it a goal but not just now) and as I was cruising down the aisle toward the checkout a logo on a beer package caught my eye.  I backed up so I could affirm it is what I saw.  The name I thought I saw was "deadfish head" beer but it was actually dogfish head.  What is it with fish today? 
Actually the first interpretation would make sense to me because I finally made time and "talked" to my departed friend Lisa last night.  I said everything I wanted to say, that I was sorry I wasn't there for her when she was sick, especially when she was to the point where she was having difficulty walking, and lost so much weight and muscle mass that she didn't look like herself.  I appologized for not feeling strong enough to endure that, and I told her that I feel so sad and guilty that I wasn't there for her even when she passed.  All I felt was a beautiful, glowing, peaceful light and warmth.  I imagined her deeply dimpled smile and imagined her saying, "Aw, you don't have to worry about any of that, everything is so awesome, peaceful and warm."  And I could really see the warmth all around her, like fuzzies floating in the air on a late summer day drenched in imposibly golden sunglow.  It was an amazing moment that made me disappointed that I waited so long.  I felt closer to her than I have in a long time, and it helped me release the guilt I'd been feeling.  I went to bed feeling a peace I haven't felt in a good long time. 
I think there is one last thing I need to heal/connect with, and that is my mom.  Things have gotten considerably better, but I think it won't really get to a point I need it to until I go visit her.  I don't know how long I'll have with her now that we know her lungs are bad, letting my own feelings and emotional reactions shadow the relationship is really unfair to both of us.  She is bitter and cold because she needs someone to show her warmth for no reason at all.  Now that I am healing and much more whole, I think I can be the person to show her kindness and compassion.  Not that anyone else hasn't tried, but for me I think I need to try in order to make peace with my past. 
I really like the getting back to a nomal schedule feeling after the holidays.  I'm hopeful that my tiny adjustment in my sleep schedule won't be a challenge for me because working out in the morning does make me feel good and helps wake me up nicely.  I am hoping it will become habit like the eating cleaner has so it just feels normal and natural like every other scheduled part of my day.  It's not an overdramatic resolution or a cold-turkey kind of thing, I have eased myself into this lifestyle slowly and out of my own free desire to be a healthier person.  I was able to do that because I believe I'm worth it.  I started working from the inside, from my own personal psychological mess to my bloodwork, and the outside had no choice but to follow suit.  I am healing, which is different than "loosing weight".  I'm not really loosing anything, I am opening up and becoming healed and whole.  Weight is so insignificant in comparison. 
Happy Tuesday, happy January, happy healing.  Just, happy.

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