Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Winds of Change

Was there really a weekend in between my posts?  I feel like one did not happen, but that's my own fault because I have been bitten by the Ancestry.com bug.  Oh yeah, baby, don't even click the link unless you want to lose entire days worth of time.  Ha ha.  I am clearly addicted to tracing my lineage since I have gone most of my life not really knowing much about my heritage beyond my own grandparents.  My father's parents both died young, I never met my grandmother because she died when my dad was a teen, and my grandpa passed when I was 7, and he lived up north and didn't like driving down.  I'm guessing, with colon cancer, there probably a good number of days he wasn't feeling his best.  So now, I am absorbed in having that link that has been missing.  I have been able to trace my lineage back to the mid-1700's so far and am still finding more and more information, it's almost more than I can handle. 
So, this morning, when my alarm went off at 4:20am, I was so very sleepy and I really just wanted to go back to sleep, but I decided to at least get up, with no promises (to myself) that I was actually going to do any sort of movement other than moving my finger across my iPhone screen.  The stationary bike was again, too close to my sleeping son.  It is clear that I am going to have to move it if we are to ever make use of it in the morning.  *Sigh* so I decided to see where my balancing skills are.  Psht.  I guess it is something that gets worse if you don't practice it, I was wobbling all over the place, arms flailing as I tried not to topple over.  I apparently still suck at balance.  Now, I have seen a bunch of different ideas on how many muscle groups it takes to maintain balance on one foot (they are wildly different so I won't post a specific number) it is a lot of different muscles.  Having poor balance is a sign that some of them are weak.  I thought I was doing OK, but these little tests don't lie.  So, I decided to do some of the lower-body strengthening exercises I was given during my physical therapy for my knee.  My legs and glutes were burning in no time.  I really have lost a lot of strength, but I know it won't be permanent. 
I was also finding myself lacking motivation in preparing/eating what I'd planned for breakfast, a taco salad.  I considered just having a bagel, it is quick and requires so very little effort, but I finally ended up eating eggs with buttered toast. 
My sudden shift in motivation made me dig a little deeper to see what is really going on.  One, snow happened.  Last night, still this morning, and all day long it is going to snow/freezing rain.  My anxiety was higher and I was looking to soothe.  Two, my focus has recently shifted away from my physical health, and onto my research on my ancestry.  It is like a strong wind came along and totally spun me around and now I started walking down a different path.  I can still see the other path, and am sure I'll get back on it because its the awareness of what happened that helps us get back.  The funny thing is, I didn't eat all crazy over the weekend, a little chips and salsa, but to be fair, I was so absorbed in what I was doing that I didn't really think about food.  I actually skipped a meal or two and opted for a snack.  But, my focus was definitly elsewhere.  And that is how easy it can be to lose our way, a fight with our spouse, a move, a sick parent or child, a change of season, new responsibility...Anything can make the wind blow hard enough to spin us around and change our course.  The trick is to be aware that it is or did happen.  It's not that you lack willpower, it's not that you're a horrible person or weak or unmotivated or lacking in any way.  You just took your eye off the horizon for a minute.  Sometimes, and this is just my theory at this moment, looking too close to where you are walking can make you miss the pothole a foot ahead of you.  I think I was looking at my feet over the weekend.  Yes, I feel that family connection, for the first time in my life maybe, is a big deal of mental health, feelings of connectivity, of roots, but focusing on them took the focus off me.  And for me to be healthy, I have to be a little selfish with my attention.  It does come down to self-care.  I realize now that I can focus on both, as long as there is some sort of balance. 
Still here, still making small, positive strides forward, with a little room to look behind me to see how far I've come, and be in touch with where it is I came from.  Now that's how you start a Tuesday!  Rock right on my friends!

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