Hiding from Friends and Feeling Dizzy

I have so much going through my mind right now that this will be another one of my long posts.  Oh how I wish I were more efficient with words!
It all sort of started on Thursday night.  When I was leaving work, walking down the back hall, I started to get so dizzy that my eyes sort of rolled out of control and I had to hang onto a wall to walk.  It started after I looked at a blurry spot in my progressive lenses, which I have been wearing for long enough to know that they were not the cause of what happened.  A company courier was in the hallway and watched as I leaned up against a wall adjusting my glasses.  He asked if I was OK and I was so embarrassed that I passed it off as, "Wow, my eyes have gotten blurry, must be time for a new eye exam!"  Luckily, by the time I ended my little charade I was feeling able to walk normally and felt better.  That was scary.  I am prone to vertigo and was noticing some fullness in my ear, but that was so sudden that it really freaked me out.  In the moment I was wondering if I was having a cardiac episode.  When I got home, I found out my son was feeling very sick to his stomach, and he got pretty sick that night and I was also feeling really lousy but didn't get sick.  It did cost me a lot of sleep because my stomach felt so bad, so I took Friday off to rest. I'm really glad I did, I could tell it helped a lot.
Saturday was a huge optical convention in my town.  I was feeling really thick in the head that morning and really dreaded going because I was fearing having another dizzy spell amidst thousands of people.  I made it through OK, but did end up getting a massive and unrelenting sinus headache that seemed to radiate all the way to the lymph nodes at the back of my head.  I did get a little dizzy too, but this was normal sinus dizziness and I felt in control at all times.  Being in crowds that size really wears me out.  The rows and rows of booths were filled with so much to look at, so many people, some familiar faces and some pushy salesmen in other booths.  It was a little overwhelming for my senses, especially since I was already not feeling great.  This is a big deal in the optical field, to not only have free continuing education classes, but to be served high quality snacks, a banquet dinner and free drinks afterword while getting a bunch of SWAG at booths?  For some opticians, it becomes a big booze-fest and social hour.  In the past, a highlight of the event for me was to see people I've worked with before.  In some cases, it is the only time I see them and this convention is only every 2 years.  I missed the last one two years ago because I was in the process of moving, so it has been 4 years since I've seen many of them.  To be honest, I didn't want to be seen.  I felt so gigantic and old with bad hair and just not like myself with the sinus stuff going on.  I was feeling so blah that I didn't even say hi to some people I saw, who I would have been delighted to say hi to in the past. 
Whatever is going on with me, it's hitting me hard right now.  my upper arms feel like melted butter, so weak and almost useless.  I am fall-asleep-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-tired, even when I get 7,8,9 hours of sleep.  I'm just sapped of energy, everything is dry; eyes, hair, skin, throat.  I'm really going through it right now.  I have an physical appointment scheduled for early April, and I'm sure blood will be analyzed.  I've even tried taking a few walks outside over the weekend to see if that would refresh me, as so many articles suggest.  Odd pains that come and go, and this stupid Raynaud's which makes my toes feel numb and icy cold nearly constantly.  All stuff I would love to resolve.  I will keep working on it until I find out what's up because I am committed to removing things that are obstacles to me feeling happy, and these little health things are really chewing on me. 
Over the weekend, I also finished reading my new Geneen Roth book

I have mixed feelings about it.  I love the way she writes, and I love her books about mindful eating, and I love that she wants us to feel empowered in all areas in our lives and to discover that the things we tell ourselves aren't necessarily true or trustworthy.  I had many pensive moments reflecting on the weekend, the convention and my health stuff through the words of the book.  I will say, I was disappointed that more of the book wasn't about weight and eating, because that really interests me, but as I was reading a part about when her therapist said she was "done" with therapy something really spoke to me.  She said that she couldn't understand how she could be done with therapy when she didn't feel "fixed" from all the stuff that still felt broken.  She expected she could pay the therapist to fix her parts and pieces for her.  And I guess I was expecting this new book to do that for me too.  I wanted it to be so profound that it would snap me into strict mindful eating and happy thoughts.  I'm not saying I didn't get a lot of useful information from the book, but I realize with the book, just as with my own counseling/therapy, I am presented with tools that will work if I use them.  No one is going to do it for me, nor would I allow anyone to lord over me and make me answer for every morsel I put in my mouth.  If I wanted that I would be a calorie counter, and that is so far from what works for me.
So during one of the walks I took, I was thinking about how I feel like I have to re-learn so much right now.  How to eat, how to think,how to blink completely so I am not depleting my eyes of moisture, how to walk (because I have been walking differently on my feet for a few years due to minor pains) how to drive my acting-strange-car, how to appreciate what I have and switch out some negative thoughts about others, but mostly about myself, into positives.  The list goes on, but those are some that I think are more important. 
So, while I have a lot of thoughts swirling inside me, I think some of them deserve their own space to shine, so there's fodder for future posts I guess.  Maybe I'm just to tired to think more than that right now!  Here's hoping the springlike weather on the way will give me a good boost of feel-good energy!


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