I Don't Like Chocolate until Someone Eats it All

After I finished my post yesterday I realized that there were lots more things I could have said.  Of course, my blogs tend to be too long anyway, but sometimes I need a little longer to stew on some stuff. 
Last Friday my department received a package, a Christmas treat from the lab we use, some higher-end chocolate from a local confectionary.  They are decadent and rich and sickeningly sweet, but that's what the holidays are all about, right?  Now, I am the only one that works in my office for the majority of the time (98% of our open hours I am the one here) but I do have a larger team of folks I work ajacent to, the ones who do the eye exams and scheduling, and we have our own private break room where we can share communal goodies.  People often bring treats to share.  Which is nice, but not necessarily good.  Anyway, I ate 4 of said chocolates before I told my coworker, "That's it!  I need to get these out of my face so I can stop eating them!"  So I put them in the break room for everyone to have.  By the end of Friday there were still almost all of them left.  Part of me hoped they would be gone by Monday so I wouldn't be tortured by them.  Mind you, I DONT LIKE CHOCOLATE very much at all, but... oh, there are so many buts (Butts) ha ha.  The other part of me, still PMS-craving like a fiend, really hoped there were some left on Monday so I could indulge again.  On Monday when I got in at noon, there were indeed plenty left.  I passed them up at the beginning of my shift, but around 3pm when I started to get hungry, I decided I would just have one, maybe two at the most, then eat something good (the lunch I brought).  When I got to the breakroom, they were all gone.  I was more disappointed than I expected.  Technically I knew I shouldn't be eating that anyway, but wow it did bother me.  I ended up eating my yummy lunch of un-stuffed peppers and it was warm and filling.  And even though I wasn't hungry after my meal, I still felt so gyped that I grabbed a mini candy cane and crunched it down in seconds, as if I needed it in order to breathe.  Then another candy cane.  And I felt like a fool standing there eating garbage because of the whole "not enough" thing that has been such a common theme in my life. 
The concept of "not enough" carries through in so many areas, not just food.  I don't like to share because I will never have enough to satisfy me if I give some away.  I don't donate money often, and when I do I get this bittersweet guilt 1, that I don't give enough and 2, that now I have less.  I am so selfish with food, time, money, helping people...it's an area of my life that I would say is really a big hinderance to my happiness.  Now, I am not rich or even "well off" but I do have a little bit I can give.  I can volunteer to help with dishes after a holiday dinner and the in-law's but I don't.  I could chip in for office gifts for birthdays and holidays, but I don't.  I am just a big scrooge. 
So I was thinking about how close the end of the year already is, (how the heck did that happen?) and of course there are things I want to improve so the idea of New Year's resolutions comes to mind.  I thought about some of the main things I want to improve and one of the answers came over the weekend when my overweight son and I were talking about things we can do to feel better physically (he also has scoliosis and his back is much more painful than mine).  I told him that we both are supposed to be doing planks, which really don't bother me but I'm lazy, and then I thought about all the things that make me actually FEEL fantastic but I don't do them because I'm so busy numbing myself.  I waste so much of my time on Facebook or playing games on my phone.  When I finally put my phone down I feel tired, not rejuvenated.  So my first goal for 2019 is to do less numbing and do more things that make me feel good.  There is a good chance that I will be getting an artifical sun lamp for Christmas (that was one of the only few things I asked for) so I will really enjoy basking in the "sun" and may also make that meditation time as well.  I am not going to try and get super specific with the goal, just to improve things.  I will still always do things on my phone and entertainment is necessary part of my day to relax and unwind. 
The other main goal I am setting for myself is to examine the whole "not enough" issue.  I wouldn't say that the feeling gives me straight-up anxiety, but it makes me uncomfortable for sure.  So it is one of my triggers.  Maybe more specifically, I will work on really really finding out my main triggers to eating when I'm not hungry.  I will put things on paper instead of writing them here then never going back to re-read this blog and remember what I once discovered.
So I might be a little early on the whole New Year's resolution train, but since I am seeing the window of opportunity clearly right now, why not set goals when I am inspired to do so.  I will be planking and moving and thinking in the new year.  How about you?


Popular Posts