I really wish I would figure out how to make my brain remember all the discoveries I have learned along the way with this weight loss journey, which has, technically, been going on since I was 11 and started my first diet.  I just turned 46 and I am still putting so much focus on my weight.  But that's what is normal in our society, right?  If you are a woman and are content with your body you are a rare speciman, at least in the U.S.  So all these things that we learn, that inspire us, why don't they stick?  I know I have made so many awesome discoveries about myself and thought I would remember every new lesson I'd uncovered that inspired me, but somehow, in the moment, I usually do things by rote. 
I am still doing pretty good with my plan, aiming for 80-90% productive eating leaving a little wiggle room for extras that wouldn't be super productive, like chips or an indulgent sauce on my chicken and brocolli.  I still feel like I'm "on track" and I still have a positive mindset.  But lately I've been wishing I could remember all the things I have already learned so I don't have to keep feeling like I'm always grasping for some sort of meaning from it all.  Yes, I want to look and feel better, but I really care about what I'm eating because aging and becoming a burden scares me.  I guess maybe what I need to do is get to the nitty gritty of my fears (I'm not good enough, I am a burden, etc) so I can stop feeling like I have these things to overcome. 
My New Year's Resolution this year was to spend more time healing my mind and body and less time trying to numb myself.  I haven't done as well as I'd like to on that goal, but the year is young, and I am definitely feeling the need to "delve into the deep" more, assess the things that make me react the way I do and see if I can re-wire my brain so I don't keep acting the same ways that make my life less enjoyable than it could be.  I don't feel unhappy; well actually, my anxiety does make me unhappy.  I don't think its posible to be happy when you are worried about the future.  We are supposed to get 5 inches of snow tomorrow and I am already stressing out about having to drive to and from work in it.  That's anxiety, and it really prevents me from being able to relax and feel happy.  It makes me complain and then I feel ugly for complaining so much, especially about stuff I can't change.  These are the little intricacies I am talking about.  I can read a book on how to turn off the noise in my mind and in that peace I do find contentment, but that is just a moment away from life, and when I step back into my daily challenges I again feel stressed out.  Not always, but often. 
I did find myself craving the act of eating on Sunday.  Sunday was pretty ideal, or so I thought.  When I am thinking ahead to a day off, my dream is to have the entire day to do the stuff I like, work on genealogy, maybe watch a few genealogy-related videos, try to track down some long-lost relatives to reconnect to.  I did just that, plus some laundry, dishes and taking the dog out about half-dozen times because it's below zero temperatures and his little paws kept freezing.  When the dog doesn't poop, I get so irritated, it makes me so mad that I want to cry.  How lame is that?  I know he has to go but he wants to be so picky that it ends up taking 40 minutes and when it's below zero, neither one of us can tolerate it for that long.  Anyway, I digress.  Little things like that can get under my skin.  I found myself eating more food Sunday.  Maybe I needed it, probably not.  I technically didn't have any cheat meals this weekend, we didn't go out we just ate some pork chops with broccoli for dinner.  And though I bought some snacks for the house, I didn't even eat any Saturday, but Sunday I had some.  I couldn't really get it, I was doing what I love to do, but I started noshing on some chips while I was doing my detective work with vital records.  At the end of what felt like a long, gratifying day off, I realized that I had literally spent ALL day on my phone.  Even while I was doing dishes I was playing and episode of Who do you Think you are in the background.  My eyes were tired and I was yawning like crazy.  Maybe I got too much sleep, maybe the sheer lack of activity feels worse overall than keeping myself busy and moving around more.  Maybe that which I thought I wanted isn't the best thing for me.  Whatever the case, I am able to let Sunday stay in Sunday, and maybe next time I get the opportunity to "do nothing" I will actually make myself be a little more active so I don't end up feeling so "blah" at the end of the day.  I guess there is a difference between well-rested and over-rested.  I slept too long and did too little.  I need to find a better balance. 
So there is another thing I have learned.  Will I remember it in a month when I get another Sunday free?   


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