I think all of the buzz out there about diets and people claiming to have the answer or the ONE thing that contributes to unwanted weight, all that NOISE was beginning to make my head spin.  Truth is, it draws me in because I am interested.  Marketing strategies do work on me sometimes, at least enough for me to open the link.  I have learned some things that are probably pretty true, about leptin levels and hormones, and about the health of the gut factoring in.  I have heard some things that also turn things on their ear, for instance, that keto is only good for people 40 and under because of the hormone levels available and the way it tricks the body into thinking it is in starvation...not sure about any of it.  I have given keto some thought, because it is similar to South Beach, and I found a great site here that has some pretty great looking recipes, tips and even videos and they are pretty charismatic.  That site makes keto look totally doable, they even have videos on how to "go keto" on $5 a day, etc.  That did get me thinking about it pretty seriously, but then I read that you should not do keto if you plan on having any of the off-limit carbs (some fruits and veggies or whole grains) because the two of them add up to results that backfire (high fat plus moderate carbs). 
So....long, deep sigh.  I reached a point where I felt so overwhelmed by the information that it made me want to give up on thinking about food and just eat whatever I want.  That is how easy it is to fall.  Last night, having missed my afternoon snack, I felt like I was extra hungry.  I have been eating pretty clean all week, but because of that sensation of being extra hungry and my husband was gone for a Masonic event, so the idea to eat something "naughty" came knocking in my brain.  Granted, shopping day is Saturday so we don't have that much snack/naughty stuff in the house right now (my teen boys love it, NOT).  Then two things crossed my mind, one is that my food intake is not for my husband.  Yes, I love him and I want him to feel comforted in knowing that I am making an effort to improve my health, but ultimately, my food issues are mine, I am the one who benefits the most from making healthy changes and eating junk food just because he's not around to judge me is me just looking for an excuse to "hide and eat".  The second thought that came to mind is, this is just a moment, I have to consider the rest of my future.  I wasn't stomach-growling hungry, it was a not-satisfied feeling more than anything.  So for the second night in a row I ate a handful, literally about 7 small tortilla chips, and felt mentally and physically satisfied.  Afterword, I praised myself for not going off the rails and bingeing and justifying myself by saying I would "get back on track" on Monday.  I am still on track, I just added a little something extra to help quiet my mind and stomach.  I will likely not need that at some point, but right now my stomach feels flat and empty and I probably am not timing meals/snacks right and I'm still getting used to less junk in my diet.  If something like a small handful of tortilla chips can keep me on track the rest of the time, I am OK with that.  And that brings me back to mindful eating.  I didn't feel negative when I ate those chips because it felt like I was being kind to myself by listening to what my body wanted, more fats.  I always struggle with that when I eat cleaner, I am never quiet sure how much my body needs.  Anyway, it really felt like a small victory for me. 
The other discovery I had this morning is that impressing people is something that drives me to lose weight, but it is only effective until I see that person.  For example, whenever I have an upcoming doctor's appointment, I really want my blood pressure to be good, I want my weight to be down so I can feel really proud of taking control of the issue.  But once the appointment passes I get pretty lax, as if the reward was received and the goal disappears.  So I am going to make an effort to remind myself that this, just like the food thing, is a moment in time, I have to focus on me FOR me, and the rest is insignificant really.  People will have their opinions of me no matter how good or bad I think I'm doing, I have to live with me for the rest of the time I'm around.  And the frightening truth is that any of the people I know and love now might not be around as long as I am so I need to make amends with every little thing inside me and befriend myself and take care of myself like I wish someone else could or would do for me. 
So there are my little pieces of delicious wisdom.  My health is for me, moments pass but my health is a lifelong concern, using others as a motivation is a short-term tactic that always backfires, and I have to be there for me because I'm the only one guaranteed to be there for the rest of my days.  I think I will record them in a folder on my phone for those times when I let things fall apart a little.  Who doesn't need a reminder like that from time to time? Maybe all the buzz is just that, maybe people don't want us to know that we can do this on our own, in our own way that works for the way we need and want to live.  We are warriors!  We can do this!


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