Trigger Figure-Outer
I knew I shouldn't have complained about the snow; now our weather is teaching me a lesson with the wind chills between -20 to -35 forecasted for today and through the weekend. I do not see a warm up on the extended forecast, so we are in for some super cold weather for the next week and more. Also, more snow on the way. UGH.
This morning I needed to fill my gas tank, the temperature from the local news said it was -23 degrees with the windchill. BRRRR! As I was planning the getting of gas last night, I was thinking about how, having braved this extreme cold, I would have "earned" a Diet Coke to bring with me to work today. Then I caught myself because this is an area where stuff really slips through easily. Maybe today it is a Diet Coke (not great for me but sugar/calorie free at any rate), tomorrow it could be some food I don't need...it has been a habit that has led to my excess weight because I haven't focused on it. I feel like I need to reward myself for overcoming something even remotely uncomfortable, or patting myself on the back for doing something I didn't want to. In my short term introspection I am aware of the lack of praise from my parents, even today, they have been quick to point out my flaws and stingy in giving praise. Did I crave that as a child/teen? Bigtime! I believe it has driven many of the issues I have. But here's the thing, that was then. That was a child trying to make sense of the entire world and looking to my parents and peers for answers and validation as a person. I didn't often get that from the world, save a few close friends who may have been in a similar boat that I was. Thank God for those people in my life. The thing is, continuing to react that way as an adult is a little silly, but it happens because I haven't focused on it as a trigger and learned how to overcome it. The first step is to realize what is happening and why. Sometimes, that's enough to help you stop the behavior. It's like "calling myself out" on something. Granted, when you realize that you've been doing something wrong for a long time, sometimes it can take a while to retrain your brain to do it the right way. Case in point, ever find out that you've been singing the wrong lyrics to a song then try to sing them correctly going forward? Maybe some people are more successful at this than I am, but I sure do struggle. At any rate, I got my gas this morning and did not go inside to get a soda that: 1, I didn't need and 2, I probably wouldn't have really enjoyed all that much because I am already REALLY COLD!
So this process of figuring out what I'm doing and why is exactly what I have been needing to do. Geneen Roth talks about it always in her books and seminars, being mindful. Pay attention to the times you want to do something that is counter-productive to your goals, there are emotional triggers there that are hijacking your brain and good judgement. I have been reading her books for a few years now and to this point, have not been successful at this practice because I was more focused on the food part, where she emphasizes being mindful in assessing if you are truly hungry, and in using all of your senses when you eat so you can more easily tell when you are satisfied. I found those things to be difficult to manage in my scheduled-out day but this examining and fixing of triggers seems to be the key to not only fixing my compulsive eating and dysfunctional rewarding system, but to long term happiness and a sense of peace and calm too. All my focus on diet fads at the beginning of the year was actually bittersweet, on one hand it did inspire me to get back to a better place with my food choices, but it also made me stressed out trying to pin down whose plan and rules I should adhere to. The answer, ultimately, is mine. No one can remove my triggers for me. Well, maybe a hypnotist. I am the only one who can delve into the things I do to figure out what lies beneath. The simple action is not neccessarily the final answer as to what is triggering. In the past with today's gas example, I might have simply dismissed my desire for Diet Coke as wanting to make Friday feel more special. True, I do have other issues wanting to make a day or event feel more special with food or drink, but I knew I had to look a little deeper to see that it wasn't about not feeling special but that there was discomfort in what I was doing (because, BRRR) and I felt like I needed a reward because I had survived the discomfort.
I'm not discounting the fact that we should reward ourselves for doing things that are hard or that we don't like, but when the thing you reward with isn't good for your body is it really a reward? A hot bath or a facial or taking time out to read a favorite book ? Those are great rewards. Diet Coke or candy or whatever my latest junk food fixation is? Not so much. I will eat and drink things that aren't productive for me from time to time, but my hope is, as time goes on and I get better at discovering my triggers and their meaning, I won't really need or want to. Sometimes I think about people who rarely eat anything bad for them and it almost makes me sad, like they must be miserable not ever getting enjoyment out of food, but maybe they just really don't use food as a substitute for other stuff and in reality, they don't ever look miserable about food. Like they have somehow found peace with food. I have a feeling it is completely possible and I think I am at the beginning of the journey to that end.
So that is a huge step forward for me. I really don't know why I haven't been in the right frame of mind to focus on this until now, but I really do think this is the key and as good as 2018 was for me, I think 2019 is going to be even better. I will share more on this as it happens.
This morning I needed to fill my gas tank, the temperature from the local news said it was -23 degrees with the windchill. BRRRR! As I was planning the getting of gas last night, I was thinking about how, having braved this extreme cold, I would have "earned" a Diet Coke to bring with me to work today. Then I caught myself because this is an area where stuff really slips through easily. Maybe today it is a Diet Coke (not great for me but sugar/calorie free at any rate), tomorrow it could be some food I don't need...it has been a habit that has led to my excess weight because I haven't focused on it. I feel like I need to reward myself for overcoming something even remotely uncomfortable, or patting myself on the back for doing something I didn't want to. In my short term introspection I am aware of the lack of praise from my parents, even today, they have been quick to point out my flaws and stingy in giving praise. Did I crave that as a child/teen? Bigtime! I believe it has driven many of the issues I have. But here's the thing, that was then. That was a child trying to make sense of the entire world and looking to my parents and peers for answers and validation as a person. I didn't often get that from the world, save a few close friends who may have been in a similar boat that I was. Thank God for those people in my life. The thing is, continuing to react that way as an adult is a little silly, but it happens because I haven't focused on it as a trigger and learned how to overcome it. The first step is to realize what is happening and why. Sometimes, that's enough to help you stop the behavior. It's like "calling myself out" on something. Granted, when you realize that you've been doing something wrong for a long time, sometimes it can take a while to retrain your brain to do it the right way. Case in point, ever find out that you've been singing the wrong lyrics to a song then try to sing them correctly going forward? Maybe some people are more successful at this than I am, but I sure do struggle. At any rate, I got my gas this morning and did not go inside to get a soda that: 1, I didn't need and 2, I probably wouldn't have really enjoyed all that much because I am already REALLY COLD!
So this process of figuring out what I'm doing and why is exactly what I have been needing to do. Geneen Roth talks about it always in her books and seminars, being mindful. Pay attention to the times you want to do something that is counter-productive to your goals, there are emotional triggers there that are hijacking your brain and good judgement. I have been reading her books for a few years now and to this point, have not been successful at this practice because I was more focused on the food part, where she emphasizes being mindful in assessing if you are truly hungry, and in using all of your senses when you eat so you can more easily tell when you are satisfied. I found those things to be difficult to manage in my scheduled-out day but this examining and fixing of triggers seems to be the key to not only fixing my compulsive eating and dysfunctional rewarding system, but to long term happiness and a sense of peace and calm too. All my focus on diet fads at the beginning of the year was actually bittersweet, on one hand it did inspire me to get back to a better place with my food choices, but it also made me stressed out trying to pin down whose plan and rules I should adhere to. The answer, ultimately, is mine. No one can remove my triggers for me. Well, maybe a hypnotist. I am the only one who can delve into the things I do to figure out what lies beneath. The simple action is not neccessarily the final answer as to what is triggering. In the past with today's gas example, I might have simply dismissed my desire for Diet Coke as wanting to make Friday feel more special. True, I do have other issues wanting to make a day or event feel more special with food or drink, but I knew I had to look a little deeper to see that it wasn't about not feeling special but that there was discomfort in what I was doing (because, BRRR) and I felt like I needed a reward because I had survived the discomfort.
I'm not discounting the fact that we should reward ourselves for doing things that are hard or that we don't like, but when the thing you reward with isn't good for your body is it really a reward? A hot bath or a facial or taking time out to read a favorite book ? Those are great rewards. Diet Coke or candy or whatever my latest junk food fixation is? Not so much. I will eat and drink things that aren't productive for me from time to time, but my hope is, as time goes on and I get better at discovering my triggers and their meaning, I won't really need or want to. Sometimes I think about people who rarely eat anything bad for them and it almost makes me sad, like they must be miserable not ever getting enjoyment out of food, but maybe they just really don't use food as a substitute for other stuff and in reality, they don't ever look miserable about food. Like they have somehow found peace with food. I have a feeling it is completely possible and I think I am at the beginning of the journey to that end.
So that is a huge step forward for me. I really don't know why I haven't been in the right frame of mind to focus on this until now, but I really do think this is the key and as good as 2018 was for me, I think 2019 is going to be even better. I will share more on this as it happens.
You know, I'm one of those people who rarely eats food that's "bad for me," and I think I get HUGE enoyment out of food. Whole foods that I make myself are really tasty to me, and the occasions when I do eat treats feel extra good as well. I think of processed foods, especially added sugar, as things that taste good at first but if you eat a lot of them long-term, they make ALL THE OTHER FOODS you eat taste BAD! That's terrible. So, the reason I decide not to eat foods that are processed or with added sugar is that I then enjoy even simple foods even more. Also, being hungry makes food taste better. And finally, I don't feel compelled to keep eating foods that aren't hyper-processed to make me want more of them. I actually get angry around those foods now--I feel manipulated and I don't like being manipulated. So, instead, I decide to eat mostly whole foods I prepare myself, only when I'm hungry, and treats on rare occasions, and I feel like that's the way I get maximal pleasure from food.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah... I love food a lot, my whole family is into food culture, my girlfriend is a baker... I cook all the time... I just love real food, not junk someone's trying to sell me.
I hope that helps. I do not have a blog identity but I read blogs so I thought I'd comment as this post made me a bit confused.
I do understand what you are saying and it’s wonderful to hear! After having dysfunctional eating for 30+ years, my body seemed numbed to its own signals and I was eating for so many reasons other than physical hunger. I was so detached from how that unhealthy food made me feel physically that I didn’t notice until I began purposefully paying attention to it. It feels like a relearning.
DeleteWhat a great topic! We all desire rewards and recognition...good reminder not to use food or something else unhealthy as that reward. I think I'll reward myself with a hot bath this evening.
ReplyDeleteRight on! Baths feel like a quiet escape.
DeleteFor Anonymous: you might be confused if you don’t have an eating disorder or have never learned about them. They are baffling even to those of us that have them! They don’t make much logical sense. I think Amy does a good job of breaking down the process of COPING with an eating disorder just like someone would cope with Anxiety or another issue. You could say to someone with anxiety“this is confusing to me because I never get anxious on planes” etc. but the comprehrnsion lies beyond the behavior. If interested I’d check out the national org for eating disorders, EDA eating disorders anon or some other reputable source. Hope that helps !
Delete@other anonymous (just call me Sam, as that's my name), I did suffer from an eating disorder for a very long time. I probably should have clarified that. I don't mean to come off as unempathetic, as I also have anxiety and depression--no small coincidence, I think, as my ED was a way of dealing with both of those. I first developed anorexia at age 12 and struggled with it on and off for the next fifteen years, including episodes of rebound binge eating and rapid weight gain followed by loss. For the past four or five years I've been recovered. My research has shown me that those of us whose binges come from restriction may feel qualitatively different about food. There are types of binge eaters, and I think they're called primary and secondary: primary binge eaters just binge as a way to manage emotions, secondary in response to dietary restriction. Because my binges were caused by restriction, I don't have primary binge eating disorder, which I believe means that I don't binge eat due to emotion, but only due to extreme hunger. Perhaps that's why I don't quite understand what Amy is going through. Still, I think there are commonalities, one of them being highly processed food. For me, being able to manage my hunger by eating properly (no fake foods) made my binges disappear. I truly think that it's impossible that so many people in our culture have recently developed eating disorders from NOTHING. I think a lot of it has to do with processed foods that have addictive qualities, and that both binge eating and overly restrictive eating respond well to removing these from people's daily diets. The main reason I started restricting was that I had trouble stopping eating candy and such, and I over-corrected by denying myself enough calories and eating tiny portions, instead of just eating healthy food. Then, when I was recovering, I began binge eating on junk that wasn't satisfying, felt ill, and went back to restricting. I've only been able to maintain a stable weight by eating all I wanted of mostly whole foods and approaching food rationally as something that can support my health. So, no, I'm not ignorant, but I do think I was lacking in empathy when I said I didn't understand. It's possible I CAN'T understand because my lived experience is of a different type of disorder, but I think there are similarities too.
DeleteThank you for your comments, it's a good discussion! I agree there are differences, but also similarities in the different types of compuslive eating. I do have anxiety that I feel lies at the core of a lot of my struggles with food. I find food comforting and yes I completely agree with the biochemical affect food has. I agree that the processed stuff is a huge factor, and the parts of the brain it triggers can set up release of hormones that we become addicted to. For me, I have used food as a way to avoid dealing with things I didn't want to feel, but I do also have the restriction reaction as well if I try to go too hard too fast, so it's a double whammy! I am trying a combination of low-carb menu with mindfulness. Since food is comforting but also distracting, I think the best way to combat that is to bring my attention to the very issues and emotions that make me want to comfort or numb myself. I used to think that restriction and willpower alone would change my life, but in reality it led to more restriction-eating, and none of my emotional issues ever got dealt with, I felt like I was ill-equipped to handle life's stressors so I just turned to food. I do believe this is a learning process and I think I am finally learning what will work for me, which feels very liberating! I am really proud of your ability to overcome your eating issues and I hope to join you on that side someday!
Delete