This week it's just not happening.  I have been through the self-shaming in my head, (no wonder I never lose any weight, if I can only keep it together for a week before I fall apart) and I have even seen days that reminded me of my early twenties when I was suffering from chronic depression and would drive my car to an empty park and sit and cry.  It wasn't that bad, but I have definitely not been my chipper self this week and I am feeling drained. 
So in between the self-shaming talk in my head I started to think about everything I have been through in this life, and all the things I take on that I don't have to...I am a hard worker and I am accomodating to everyone but me.  And who is it that says everyone else should get all my effort and energy except me?  And do I believe that?
I feel like I am forever living in-between.  In between the idea of dieting and the idea of freedom from it. In between the idea of trying to shape the future and the idea of accepting my life as it comes.  In between being really strict and disciplined and just taking a little bit of enjoyment out of eating something that feels like a treat, whether it's a second serving of cashews or a bite of Kringle brought in for a morning meeting.  I deserve special, don't I?  But on the other hand, is food that is horrible for my body really "special" or is this something I assigned a value to based on the diet mentality or some warped messages from my not-so-happy childhood? 
This week has been about me trying to coast through relatively unscathed.  It is me trying to keep my eyes open at work and refrain from saying what I'm thinking to obnoxious customers.  When I am exhausted it is a lot harder to want to wear the mask, and it's a lot harder to care about calories and carbs. 
Most of what I'm eating is still on plan, but sometimes it also includes a handfull or two of pretzels on the side, or say 4 pieces of Kringle with my low-carb lunch.  Sometimes I just don't have the energy to say no and many many others I am fine moving past stuff I don't need. 
My exhaustion is hormonal, and I should feel a shift within the week, then I'll get my energy back.  For now, I coast.


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